


A Tale Of Two Lovers

by MaryS (Duffydog)



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M, voyager crew - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:20:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 64,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28180806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Duffydog/pseuds/MaryS
Summary: This is an a/u story – what if Kathryn and Chakotay had first met as cadets at Starfleet Academy?   I’ve created my own timeline, based on the date of birth on Chakotay’s tombstone in ‘Endgame’ as well as various comments dropped over the course of seven years.    Also, in my universe, there is no Riley Frazier or Kellin, and definitely no Michael Sullivan.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 18
Kudos: 33





	1. Part 1:  Early Days

_**Disclaimer:** The usual – everything, including specific episode plots and dialogue, belongs to Paramount; the twist I put on them is my own. Dialogue from the episode “Endgame” belongs to Paramount, and from the novelization of “Endgame” to Diane Carey._

_**Rating:** PG-13_

_**Notes:**_ _Many thanks go to Shayenne once again for her encouragement and helpful suggestions, as well as Erestorandfin for her assistance with the revised version._

_**Timeline:** Chakotay born in November 2329, enters Academy in September 2345 (age 15), graduates in June 2349 (age 19)  
Kathryn Janeway born May 20, 2331, enters Academy in September 2348 (age 17), graduates in June 2352 (age 21)_

__

_Originally posted June 23, 2004, revised December 2020_

__

__

**Part 1: Early Days**

__

**Starfleet Academy – 2348-2349**

__

__

Freshman orientation. 

__

By tradition, every year a group of instructors and counselors from the Academy, assisted by two dozen senior cadets, accompanied the freshman class to a remote location to participate in a program designed to teach basic ‘fleet protocols and embark on the first of many exercises in teamwork. As well as allowing the cadets to get to know each other in a more relaxed setting, orientation permitted the staff to pinpoint possible problem areas right at the beginning of term, and resolve them before they blew up into full-fledged crises. 

__

For new cadets arriving from many different worlds and cultures, orientation was an introduction to life at Starfleet Academy, an opportunity to start developing bonds of friendship with their fellow students, and to take the first steps towards becoming Starfleet officers.

__

Customarily, the program was held at a different site each year – in 2348, it was scheduled for five days at a camp in a rainforest on the west coast of Vancouver Island, on the North Pacific.

__

__

*****

__

__

Among the hordes of cadets scurrying into the main terminal of the shuttleport on a bright September morning was a young woman slight in stature but with an air of determination about her, which made her look older than her seventeen years. Chin up, eyes focused straight ahead, she marched inside, her newly-issued Starfleet carryall slung over her shoulder. Masses of long auburn hair were pulled into a ponytail which swung back and forth with every energetic stride. Forced to a halt by the crowd of students and luggage filling the area, she tossed her head impatiently, a scowl settling on her face. Her eyes narrowed as she gazed almost contemptuously at a group of girls giggling nearby, their arms burdened with bags which they dropped repeatedly. 

__

Even surrounded by a large mob of people, Cadet Kathryn Janeway was a picture of disdain. As far as she was concerned, this entire exercise was a waste of valuable time, which could be far better spent in a classroom or lab. On one level, she understood the benefits of orientation for new cadets – after all, most of them had only a vague idea of what to expect. However, as the daughter of an admiral, she had been born and raised in Starfleet and was well aware of the demands to be made on her. But when she had tentatively suggested to her adviser, Commander D’Sohn, that she might be permitted to skip orientation on the grounds that she already knew all about the Academy, she was told very firmly that attendance was mandatory.

__

“No exceptions, Cadet,” added the commander in a tone that warned her he wasn’t prepared to discuss the matter further. 

__

Conceding defeat, she’d merely replied, “Yes, sir,” before striding out of his office. Damn! She’d really hoped she might talk him into excusing her, but he hadn’t even tried to listen to her well-thought-out reasons. 

__

Slowly, she’d plodded back to her newly-assigned room at the dorm and her three new roommates. _‘Airheads, every one of them,’_ she’d told herself rebelliously. _‘How can I possibly tolerate their non-stop chatter for an entire year? And the rest of them are just as bad! I don’t know what Starfleet’s coming to these days. Couldn’t they find candidates who can do something besides talk?!’_

__

Continuing in this train of thought, she had paused only upon arriving at her room. For the first time in nearly two days, it was empty and wonderfully, blessedly, silent. Kathryn had heaved a sigh of relief and moved to pull out her carryall. Consulting a PADD of required items, she began to sort out what she would need. Her mind had wandered as she worked, eventually settling on the real reason for her bout of bad temper. Cheb Packer – ex-boyfriend. As his final bitter words replayed in her head, she’d felt resentment and guilt wash over her once more. Cheb Packer might not have been smart enough to qualify for the Academy but he’d certainly known how to push her buttons. 

__

Angry that she, a mere girl and therefore inferior to him, had qualified when he hadn’t, he’d made no effort to conceal his disappointment. Indeed, he had insinuated on a number of occasions that she had only been accepted because of her father’s status in Starfleet. In vain, she had protested that her father had been very careful not to interfere in any way. Cheb simply refused to believe that little Katie Janeway could possibly be smarter than him. 

__

A smooth talker with an abundance of natural charm, nearly a year earlier, he had overwhelmed shy, studious Kathryn with his attentions, so much so that she hadn’t realized that Cheb was actually one of those insecure people who needed a group of sycophants around him to bolster his ego. And bolstered it she certainly had, deferring to his judgment even when she knew he was wrong. 

__

Now, with a little distance, Kathryn was recognizing that he’d been manipulating her for months. Rage and humiliation rose in her throat at the realization of just how much she’d been used. At least, she hadn’t slept with him, although they’d come close a few times. He’d been pretty mad about that, too, she recalled, but somehow, when it came right down to it, she just couldn’t do it. It was a small victory but now that she was free of him, she was very glad she hadn’t. 

__

That thought had made her feel a little better and she’d actually been able to greet her roommates quite amicably when they’d returned half an hour later. She would turn over a new leaf, she’d told herself just before falling asleep, in which she would concentrate on her studies and ignore everything else, including anyone of the opposite sex.

__

__

*****

__

__

Kathryn’s newfound resolve began to falter the next day after the transport deposited her and six hundred other new cadets in a dripping rainforest, their only shelter spartan log cabins heated with old-fashioned wood stoves and subject to drafts. Rain poured down in a steady torrent, quickly soaking everyone’s luggage, while the clouds hung in the treetops, giving an eerie, almost ghostly, quality to the place. 

__

A group of officers and senior cadets stepped forward, quickly sorting out the freshmen and showing each group where to bunk. Kathryn, her roommates, and twenty other girls, were taken to a cabin halfway down a long row.

__

“Just dump your gear inside for now,” the senior told them. “It’s almost lunchtime so I’ll show you where the mess hall is.”

__

Quickly, they obeyed, trailing back out in ones and twos. While waiting for the rest of her group, Kathryn became aware of their handsome guide – despite her best intentions, her eyes were drawn to him. Six feet tall, wide shoulders, black hair brushed straight off his face showing a broad forehead and a pair of deep brown eyes, which were gazing at her somewhat quizzically. Blushing, she realized she was staring and resolutely looked away, reminding herself of her vow.

__

Just then, one of the other girls spoke to him, boldly introducing herself and asking his name.

__

“Chakotay,” came his soft reply.

__

“Chakotay what?” the girl demanded.

__

“Just Chakotay,” he answered evenly, but with an edge to his voice that warned his questioner to tread carefully.

__

The last straggler appeared hurrying out the door and at once, Chakotay turned on his heel, striding down the path, never once looking back to see if his flock was following. 

__

_‘Like a gaggle of geese,’_ thought Kathryn, as they clattered along behind him, their chatter punctuated with occasional giggles. Once more, she felt herself at a distance, with no desire or even any idea how to communicate with her companions. If she’d dared, she would have run ahead and walked with Chakotay, but she knew such an action would only lead to embarrassment for him and her. No, she would just have to stay back with the others, a little pool of silence amidst the steady clacking of tongues.

__

__

*****

__

__

The next two days reinforced Kathryn’s belief that the whole concept of orientation really didn’t apply to her. Every lecture centered on topics which had long been familiar to her; every discussion involved questions to which she already knew the answers. Bored and restless, she tried not to allow her irritation to show, but more than once, she had to bite her tongue. All this ‘bonding’ left her quite unmoved – she didn’t want to bond with her classmates; indeed, she believed most of them to be idiots. Their never-ending prattle about their group leader, Cadet Chakotay, was a case in point. 

__

Ever since their arrival, all her cabin mates could do was gush over him, exclaiming how gorgeous he was, with a smile to die for and absolutely killer dimples. Long into the night, they speculated whether he had a girlfriend and if so, who she was. 

__

Kathryn remained very quiet during these discussions, pretending to be quite disinterested, although she couldn’t help listening carefully for any new tidbit of information about him. In this way, she managed to discover that he had been admitted to the Academy at a much younger age than most cadets. Although a senior, he had not yet reached his nineteenth birthday, which made him only eighteen months older than she was. This surprised her – he seemed so much more mature than the other students. Tucking that piece of knowledge away, she inched a bit closer to hear more. However, the talk soon moved on to other gossip, which bored her, and she retreated once more into her shell. 

__

Her disdainful attitude didn’t endear her to her fellow cadets. More than one was heard to remark that Kathryn Janeway was nothing but a stuck-up admiral’s daughter, who thought herself too good for the rest of them. 

__

By the evening of the second day, their comments had been overheard by several of the staff. As a result, Captain Mordaunt, who was in overall charge of the program, asked Cadet Chakotay to talk to Janeway and try to integrate her into the group. 

__

“I don’t have to tell you, Chakotay,” continued the captain, “that if we don’t get her sorted out now, she’ll have real problems when she starts team training. She has to learn how to work with others in a cohesive unit, regardless of circumstance. If she can’t do that, she’ll be in a lot of trouble, and I’d hate to see that happen. She has a lot of potential, but she has to get past this arrogant attitude. She’s in your group; see what you can do. If you find you can’t get anywhere with her, don’t hesitate to come to me. Understood?”

__

“Yes, sir,” replied Chakotay with an inward sigh. Sorting out recalcitrant cadets was not high on his list of favourite activities, but it was part of his job here and he would do the best he could. 

__

The captain smiled. “Very good. Let me know how you get on. Dismissed.”

__

“Aye, Captain.” Chakotay strode out of the captain’s room and headed for his own. He would get a good night’s sleep before tackling the problem of Janeway.

__

__

*****

__

__

At breakfast the next morning, Kathryn was sipping a second cup of coffee, resigned to the fact that she had to put in another three days in this dark, damp forest, where it never stopped raining. To make matters worse, today they were to start a two-day hike which would require camping overnight in small tents. Kathryn loathed camping with a vengeance but like everything else here, participation was mandatory. Short of breaking her neck, she couldn’t think of a way to get out of it. 

__

Looking around from the solitude of her table in the corner, she wished someone else was there to take her mind off her misery. But she had made her choice to remain distant from the others – she couldn’t complain now if no one wanted to talk to her. Resolutely tamping down her feeling of loneliness, she gulped down the last drops and prepared to leave. No point sitting here by herself.

__

As she began to rise, from nowhere Cadet Chakotay unexpectedly appeared at her side. “I’d like a moment of your time, Janeway,” he informed her, his tone deceptively casual. 

__

Conversations around them faded away as she looked up at him in surprise. He, in turn, gazed down into the most striking pair of deep blue eyes he’d ever seen. In silence, they stared at each other, both tongue-tied by the spontaneous sparks of attraction flashing between them. A sudden burst of laughter nearby recalled them to their surroundings; despite herself, Kathryn blushed while Chakotay bit his lip, fighting for composure.

__

After a moment, he repeated his request, nodding towards the door. Wordlessly, she followed him outside, trying to catch her breath and understand what had just happened. What was going on? Never had she felt such an instant bond with anyone. Even two days ago, while she’d been willing to grant he was an attractive man, she hadn’t had such a reaction to him. She began to grow angry. This was ridiculous! Her breakfast must be disagreeing with her, causing her to fantasize in the stupidest way. By the time they reached a grove of trees, where apparently Chakotay intended to have a private conversation with her, she had worked herself into a huff.

__

When he turned to face her, his expression was tight and shuttered. “There are some concerns about your attitude, Cadet,” he began bluntly. “People are starting to complain that you’re arrogant and aloof. While no one insists you exhibit rampant enthusiasm for every activity, you are expected to participate and interact with your fellows.”

__

Already angry, Kathryn’s eyes flashed as she retorted. “So far, the most extensive activity I’ve seen here is gossiping…and that’s something I don’t do!”

__

Sighing, Chakotay settled on the nearest log, indicating she should join him. 

__

For a second, she considered disobeying before realizing that such an action would appear incredibly childish. Wrapping herself in her dignity, she carefully sat down beside him.

__

“Like it or not,” he stated firmly, “you’re going to be living and working with these people for the next four years. It’s in your own interest to make friends with them.”

__

Kathryn scowled. “I’d be glad to if I could find somebody with any brains, but from what I’ve seen, they’re all a bunch of airheads! All they can talk about is boys and makeup and clothes, things I’m not interested in.”

__

Eyebrow raised, Chakotay looked down at her. “Not at all?”

__

Blushing, she dropped her gaze to the ground. “Not now,” she replied in a slightly challenging tone.

__

He sat silent, wondering how best to draw her out. “Is there someone back home?” he asked, thinking if he could get her talking, he might better understand why she seemed so resentful.

__

Sighing, Kathryn glanced up at his friendly tone. “There _was_ , but he got mad because I got accepted into the Academy and he didn’t.” She paused, unsure what else to say before adding, “So…we broke up.”

__

Chakotay nodded sympathetically. “It seems to me that maybe you could look on your breakup as a way of making a fresh start, with a new group of people who have no preconceptions about you.”

__

“I thought that, too, but….” She waved her hands helplessly before admitting in a low voice. “I don’t know how, I don’t have anything in common with them.” 

__

“I think if you try to be friendlier, you’ll find they’ll be willing to meet you halfway. Will you at least try?”

__

After a moment, she sighed. “Yes.” 

__

“You don’t sound very convinced, Janeway,” he told her firmly, “you need to put some effort into it.”

__

She started to reply but was interrupted by one of the other senior cadets, who came dashing through the trees. “Chakotay! There you are. Come on! Everyone’s ready to go – we’re all waiting for you!”

__

Scrambling to their feet, Kathryn and Chakotay hurried back to the main group. 

__

“Grab your gear,” he told her, as they joined the others and he picked up his own pack. 

__

“All right, people!” sounded the stentorian tones of Captain Mordaunt. “Listen up! Today and tomorrow, you’re going to hike some rough terrain, along a section of a very old trail, known as the West Coast Trail. For the history buffs, I can tell you that this trail is many centuries old. Originally, it was used by the First Nations people indigenous to the area to travel up and down the island. Later, it became a path to safety for sailors shipwrecked along this part of the coast. About four hundred years ago, it was rebuilt as a trail for hiking enthusiasts and is still used for that purpose today. 

__

“It is kept as authentic as possible, which means there are no modern conveniences, such as self-raising platforms, disguised transporters or replicators at regular intervals. Periodically, you will have to climb steep cliffs, using wooden ladders, ropes, or steps carved into the rock. And you’ll have to carry everything, including food, tents and whatever personal items you require. As a result, I would suggest you think carefully about what you consider necessary. If you think you need to repack, move to the back of the line. Any questions?”

__

The group remained silent, although a few individuals stepped aside to start rearranging their packs. 

__

“Excellent. You will be divided into groups of twenty-five, each with two leaders who can assist if necessary – however, I would encourage you to rely on each other for help whenever you need it. You will proceed along the trail at intervals of fifteen minutes. Have a good time and we’ll see you all here tomorrow night for our windup barbecue.” Mordaunt stepped aside as the line of six hundred cadets began to move forward.

__

From her position near the rear, Kathryn waited for the people ahead of her to start, Chakotay’s words echoing through her head. She had to admit she felt confused and lonely. Maybe he was right and she should make more of an effort to be friendly. As a test, she smiled tentatively at the unfamiliar girl behind her, making a casual remark about how long it was taking to get going. The girl looked a little startled but responded affably enough, encouraging Kathryn to continue. However, at that moment, the boy in front of her stepped forward, and conversation became too difficult to carry on.

__

All morning, the cadets followed the narrow trail, balancing on big logs over rushing creeks, scrambling up and down cliffs covered with slippery moss, relying on each other for help getting over the more difficult spots. 

__

Despite her initial reluctance, Kathryn soon found she was enjoying the outing – the difficult terrain made it a challenge, which appealed to her competitive nature. As well, she was making a real effort to relax with the others, smiling and laughing at some of the remarks that were tossed back and forth, even throwing out a few of her own. 

__

It was when she was gasping for breath on a steep, narrow path strewn with boulders, nearly at the top of a vertical cliff, that someone’s comment about the climate being fit only for a Ferengi made her laugh, and she forgot to pay attention to what she was doing. As a result, her foot slipped and she lost her balance, tumbling down thirty feet to land in a bed of enormous ferns at the bottom.

__

From his position at the head of her group, Chakotay hadn’t been able to keep an eye on her and at first was unaware of what had happened. Shouts of alarm echoing through the thick undergrowth alerted him that someone was in trouble. At once, he halted the line, pushing past the others until he reached the top of the cliff. From there, he could see a small figure below, lying very still.

__

He knew at once it was Kathryn – no one else had hair like hers. Frantic, he scrambled down the cliff as fast as he dared until he could kneel beside her, whipping out his tricorder to scan for injuries. The other leader descended more carefully, first aid kit in hand. As he approached, she began to come round, groaning as she tried to lift her head.

__

“Easy now,” Chakotay cautioned her, a hand on her shoulder to keep her still. “Don’t move until Ja’noth can check you over.”

__

At the sound of his voice, she relaxed on the ground, instinctively trusting that he would look after her.

__

Ja’noth scanned her carefully twice to make sure of his diagnosis, before announcing that she had a mild concussion and a badly sprained ankle. He could give her a painkiller but the kit didn’t contain a tissue regenerator; they would have to get Kathryn up the cliff first, before he could strap up her ankle.

__

Trying to speak through the pain, Kathryn finally whispered that she’d be fine if they could just help her up. 

__

Chakotay didn’t even bother to argue; instead he simply picked her up and carefully stood her on her one good leg. With Ja’noth keeping her balanced, he turned around, then crouched, telling her to climb on his back. Already uncomfortable at the attention she was drawing, Kathryn demurred until Chakotay pointed out that she wouldn’t get up the cliff any other way.

__

“Look at it this way,” he told her, “if I slip, you’ll have a cushion to break your fall.”

__

Still feeling a little woozy and disconcerted by his sense of humour, she couldn’t think of a smart retort, staring at him blankly as he waited patiently. Ja’noth’s hand on her elbow urged her forward and she tentatively gripped Chakotay’s shoulders, easing herself onto his back. 

__

Pulling her legs around his waist, Chakotay stood up carefully, pausing to settle her weight before starting up the path. Ja’noth followed closely behind to ensure Kathryn didn’t slip off.

__

Despite their care, her ankle was bumped several times, causing sharp bursts of pain to explode through it and into her leg. Gritting her teeth, she resolved to make no sound of complaint, but her fingers digging into his shoulders let Chakotay know that, despite the painkiller, she was hurting a lot. By the time he reached the top of the cliff, he was sure his neck would have two permanent dents from the pressure of Kathryn’s thumbs. 

__

Once on level ground, Chakotay knelt down slowly, letting others lift Kathryn off his back. She was laid down on someone’s waterproof tarp and rolled up in it to keep her warm.

__

Since she wasn’t seriously injured, Chakotay decided he could put the accident to good use and test the cadets on their survival training. When he asked what they should do next, several suggestions were tossed about until someone said they needed an anti-grav stretcher.

__

“You’re quite right,” replied Chakotay, “but we don’t have one. Think, people. What do we do without technology? Look around you. Use the materials at hand. Try to think outside the box.”

__

Slowly, the cadets glanced around, before one rose to pick up several large cedar branches that had fallen in a recent windstorm. Others followed, gathering lengths of vine and braiding them for strength before using them to lash the branches together. Very soon, they had a crude, but workable stretcher. Several students gently loaded Kathryn onto it, making sure she was comfortable before four of them each picked up a corner and started to walk in tandem. 

__

It was slow going but, in another hour, they finally reached a large clearing where they were to stop for lunch. Summoned by Ja’noth, the camp doctor was there waiting for them. Quickly, he checked over Kathryn, confirming the young man’s diagnosis.  
.  
“Nice work, Cadet Ja’noth,” praised the doctor before turning to his patient. “Well, well, young lady, you have got yourself in a bit of a pickle, haven’t you?” 

__

Trying not to roll her eyes at his avuncular attitude, Kathryn responded with a tight little smile before looking around for Chakotay. He stepped forward at her glance, smiling down at her reassuringly.

__

“I’ll stop by as soon as we get back to see how you are, that is, if you’re not too tired,” he promised.

__

Her heart turned over again at that wonderful grin and she had to swallow before replying. “Thanks, I’d like that.”

__

The doctor stepped up beside her, tapping his combadge, and a moment later, they both disappeared in a transporter beam. 

__

Forcing himself to concentrate on his charges, Chakotay resolutely pushed all thoughts of Kathryn to the back of his mind. But his heart couldn’t help giving a little leap of pure happiness at the thought of seeing her again the following day.

__

__

*****

__

__

By the time Chakotay led his group back into camp just before noon the next day, he was hot, tired and filthy. Two more cadets had taken spills, although neither had been as seriously injured as Kathryn, and both were able to finish the hike. As well, there were a lot of minor scrapes and bruises – no one, it seemed, had escaped unscathed. He himself was nursing sore fingers, which would require a dermal regenerator to reduce the swelling. 

__

Showers and a proper meal did much to improve everyone’s spirits, and soon the mess hall was filled with noise and laughter as they all regaled each other with their experiences on the trail. 

__

From the narrow lower bunk in her cabin, Kathryn could hear the sounds of cheerful voices and cursed her ankle for confining her to bed. Although previously, she had disdained to associate with her fellow cadets, now she realized she wanted to be with them, to join in the laughter and fun. Depressed and lonely, with only her own unhappy thoughts for company, she allowed two tears to slide slowly down her cheeks. _‘Probably no one’s even noticed I’m not there,’_ she thought sadly. _‘And if they have, I don’t expect they care.’_

__

That thought led her to examine her actions over the last few days, which made her even more miserable. _‘I’ve only myself to blame,’_ she told herself as the tears began to flow harder. _‘I didn’t even try to be friendly.’_

__

For a few minutes, she allowed herself to indulge in self-pity before reaching for a handkerchief to blow her nose. “Enough,” she muttered to herself, as an old saying of her mother’s popped into her head. _‘Crying never accomplished anything other than to make your nose red.’_

__

She was still clutching the sodden handkerchief when the sound of footsteps on the stairs outside caught her attention. Even as she began to pull herself up, the door opened and Chakotay stepped inside.

__

Staring at him in horror that he’d caught her crying like a baby, Kathryn tried to find her voice, but all that came out was a squeak. She swallowed twice and tried again. “Uh, hello.” 

__

_‘Oh, great,’_ she thought sarcastically, _‘that was original.’_

__

However, Chakotay didn’t seem to mind, smiling down at her warmly in a way that made her heart melt and her insides turn to goo. He indicated the bed. “May I?”

__

Quickly, she heaved her useless legs to one side. “Of course, sit down.”

__

“Thanks.” He made himself comfortable before continuing. “I came to see how you’re feeling. Is your ankle bothering you a lot? Can you walk at all now?”

__

“Oh, I’m fine,” she replied airily, devoutly hoping the dimmer light inside the cabin would hide her blotchy cheeks.

__

Her hope proved in vain, however, as he reached out to brush a finger across her face. “You’ve been crying. Does it hurt that much? Maybe I should get the doctor….”

__

“No! Uh, thank you, but it’s not bad, not bad at all. I’m sure by tonight, I’ll be back on my feet.” She was babbling, she knew, but she had to get his attention off her face. “How was the rest of the hike?”

__

Recognizing her need to change the subject, Chakotay settled in to relate the events of the last two days. He was a natural storyteller, and soon had her chuckling as he recounted how several people had fallen into prickly bushes, necessitating an embarrassing stop while he and Ja’noth pulled thorns out of their backsides, much to the amusement of their companions. As well, that morning someone else had slid off a log while crossing a creek, landing in very cold water with a mighty splash. 

__

Kathryn’s face was alive with amusement. “Did he have a change of clothes?”

__

“No, he’d taken Captain Mordaunt’s warning about ‘necessities’ a little too much to heart, and as a result, had nothing else to wear. I had a thermal blanket with me, so he finished the hike wearing that and wet boots and underwear. He now has a new nickname – ‘Soggybottom’.

__

She clapped her hands in delight. “Oh, that’s wonderful! I wish I’d seen it!”

__

Reaching for her hand, Chakotay squeezed it. “I wish you could have, too.” He let go, sitting back a little, as his expression became solemn. “As well as finding out how you are, I wanted to continue our conversation from yesterday morning. Do you understand now what I was trying to tell you?”

__

Kathryn nodded, a little sheepishly. “Yes, I do. I’ve been thinking about that while lying here, listening to everyone having a good time in the mess hall. I’ll try to make friends, I promise.” She paused, then added hesitantly. “I want to fit in and be part of the group. I guess…I’d sort of forgotten that. I was still so angry about Cheb and everything.” Taking a deep breath, she looked directly at him. “I’m sorry if I caused any problems.”

__

Relaxing slightly at her apology, Chakotay patted her hand. “You didn’t, so don’t worry about it.” 

__

Their conversation had come to an end, yet he found himself unable to move. Instead, almost of its own accord, his hand reached out to brush back her hair before sliding over her face, caressing her skin.

__

Closing her eyes in delight, Kathryn moaned, all her good intentions to stay clear of relationships blowing out the window like so much chaff. He was filling her senses, invading her mind, overwhelming her to the point where all she was aware of was him.

__

“Kathryn,” murmured his voice, low and soft, “what is this sensation that comes over me when I’m with you? It feels as if I’m…bewitched or something. What are you doing to me?”

__

Her eyes flew open in wonder. “Then you feel it, too?” she whispered. “This attraction…I don’t know what to call it…. When you look into my eyes, it seems as if you’re touching my soul.”

__

Chakotay’s breath caught at her words, before he slowly leaned forward to kiss her lightly, his mouth barely brushing hers – to Kathryn, it felt like gossamer floating across her lips. 

__

Making a little sound of wanting, she raised her hand to his face, straining up to reach him. His arms came around her shoulders, lifting her up to press her tightly against his chest, as his face fell forward into her hair. Breathing in deeply, he inhaled her scent, unaware of his soft groan as his senses went into overdrive. “Kathryn,” he murmured, rolling her name around on his tongue, enjoying the feel of it.

__

Her grip on his shoulders tightened as her fingers slid through his soft hair. “Chakotay, you feel so good,” she whispered, her face buried in his neck. Her soft breath heated his blood even more, sending hot shoots of arousal coursing through him.

__

Suddenly, several voices sounded right outside the window. Quickly, Chakotay laid her back on the pillow, his fingers caressing her long hair as he rose swiftly to his feet. For a moment longer, he stared down at her, his eyes huge and filled with an odd mixture of desire and puzzlement. She gazed up at him, drowning in his intensity, before, without a word, he disappeared out the door. 

__

Kathryn relaxed back onto the pillow, her heart pounding, her mind a maelstrom of relief and regret, of desire and giving into that desire. Pressing a hand to her mouth, she turned to look out the window. In the distance, she could see Chakotay striding down the path towards his cabin. What was she going to do now?

__

__

*****

__

__

Later that afternoon, as she lay on her bed watching her roommates unpack their backpacks, Kathryn made a conscious effort to get to know them better and join in their chatter.

__

At first, it seemed they were anxious to talk to her, acting concerned about her injury and telling her about their own experiences. Soon enough, however, she discovered their real interest wasn’t in her but in Chakotay. They asked her myriad questions, curious to learn the tiniest details, then told her she was so lucky to have actually been carried by him. 

__

Although she tried to join in the gossiping and appear interested, their intense curiosity made her quite uncomfortable. Clenching her teeth, she forced back words of disdain, unable to say more than he seemed nice enough. 

__

Eventually, her questioners grew bored and moved on to a new topic of conversation, much to her relief.

__

__

*****

__

__

The next day after lunch, the cadets dispersed to their cabins to pack up their gear, prior to boarding the transport for the trip back to San Francisco. As Kathryn rolled up her sleeping bag and stuffed it in her carryall, her mind wandered to the events of the previous day. She had only seen Chakotay from a distance the night before at the barbecue and not at all this morning. At this point, she wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not – he was occupying her thoughts far more than she wanted to admit. Sighing, she told herself that, all in all, this wasn’t exactly how she’d planned to start her career in Starfleet. All her heartfelt resolutions – to concentrate on her studies and ignore every distraction – had gone out the window the moment he’d gazed into her eyes and smiled his gorgeous smile.

__

A muffled exclamation caught her attention and she glanced around just in time to see the object of her thoughts standing at the open door, obviously looking for her. 

__

Putting down her bag, she limped forward as a sudden expectant silence fell over the room. Then, not wanting to subject Chakotay to any more of her roommates’ curious stares, she hurried as quickly as she could to lead him down the steps and away from the cabin.

__

Although he looked slightly surprised, he made no objection, taking her arm to lead her to a nearby log. He sat her down, then rested one foot on the log, leaning over her. “So, what was that all about?” he asked.

__

Although his voice was solemn enough, Kathryn could see a hint of dimples and realized he was teasing her. Trying not to blush, she smiled self-consciously, then decided to force the issue. “I think you know exactly what it was about,” she told him firmly. “Don’t tell me you don’t know precisely what effect you have on those girls.”

__

He gave her a woebegone look. “Only _those_ girls? What about you?”

__

Defiantly, she tossed her head. “It takes more than a nice smile to impress me!”

__

“Well, at least you admit it’s nice,” he muttered half to himself.

__

While she was still trying to decide how to answer him, he veered onto another subject. “Actually, I came by to see how your ankle is doing. Does it still hurt? You seem to have a bit of trouble walking.”

__

Relieved for the change of topic, she answered him easily. “It’s much better actually. I just have the occasional twinge, nothing to worry about. I’m sure by tomorrow I’ll have forgotten all about it.”

__

“Good, I’m glad to hear it.” Aware of the many pairs of eyes that were no doubt watching their every move, he retreated to stand in front of her. “I have to go and finish several chores, so I’ll say goodbye now.” He shrugged, then held out his hand awkwardly. “Maybe I’ll see you on campus sometime.”

__

Standing as well, Kathryn gripped his hand firmly. “Sure. Thanks for all your help on the trail….” She gazed up at him, trying to say with her eyes what she couldn’t articulate openly. For a moment longer, he stared down at her before abruptly dropping her hand and pivoting on his heel to stride towards the mess hall.

__

Biting her lip, Kathryn also turned away to limp back to her cabin, head high and chin up. Whatever else, she would not let on how disappointed she was that he had to leave her.

__

As she finished her packing, she reminded herself that the chances of seeing Chakotay again were not great – after all, under normal circumstances, senior cadets didn’t fraternize with freshmen. But try as she might, she couldn’t deny the very real connection she felt to him, a bond that she’d never had with anyone else. 

__

An hour later, with a heavy heart, she hoisted her bag onto her shoulder and mechanically followed the others onto the transport. She looked around for Chakotay, but in the large crowd it was impossible for someone of her stature to see beyond the nearest row of bodies. When they disembarked at the shuttleport, she tried again, but he was nowhere to be seen. Plodding to her dorm, she was resigned to the fact that most likely he was gone from her life for good.

__

__

*****

__

__

In the following days and weeks, both Kathryn and Chakotay became heavily involved in classwork as well as various other activities, and the sharp memory of their encounter began to fade and blur. 

__

Convinced that she would prove to be a distraction that he could ill afford right now, Chakotay made a conscious decision not to contact her. At this point in his life, he needed to concentrate solely on achieving the best marks possible for his final grades. As his memory of her was superseded by more immediate concerns, he wondered, since he could put her aside that easily, if the connection he’d felt between them had been a figment of his imagination. And yet, sometimes late at night, he would find himself thinking about her, wondering what she was doing and if he should…. 

__

Whereupon, after chastising himself for succumbing, even momentarily, to a pair of flashing blue eyes and gorgeous auburn hair, he would throw himself into his work with new zest, determined to let nothing deter him from his goal. After all, he reminded himself, she was a freshman and he was a senior – any relationship between them would be just about impossible to maintain. 

__

Kathryn, meanwhile, was still finding her way through the intricacies of the Academy. Even though she had grown up with Starfleet, she was learning that hearing about it was one thing; actually being a part of it, with all the responsibility that entailed, was quite another. However, despite the occasional misstep, she was settling in well.

__

True to her promise to Chakotay, she tried to make friends with her classmates, eventually finding several kindred spirits in the science labs. And, although she continued to privately categorize her roommates as ‘airheads’, she made a real effort to get to know them better. Quite to her surprise, she found there was more depth to them than she’d previously thought. While they would never be close friends, she did begin to develop warmer relationships with them.

__

Although she wouldn’t admit it, Kathryn subconsciously kept an eye peeled for Chakotay every time she crossed the common or ventured near the seniors’ block of classrooms. However, she never caught so much as a glimpse until the day before she was scheduled to return home for Christmas break.

__

Trotting down a long hallway in one of the office buildings, on her way to hand in her last assignment, Kathryn rounded a corner at a near-gallop and promptly crashed into a solid wall. The impact sent her flying to land on her butt. Stunned, she didn’t realize at first that the object she’d smacked into was Chakotay, until she heard his soft voice apologizing above her head.

__

“I’m very sorry. Are you all right?”

__

Pushing aside the mass of hair that had fallen over her face, she peered up at him, speechless.

__

He blinked in astonishment before bending down to grasp her hand and pull her up. “Kathryn!”

__

“Chakotay,” she whispered, gripping his fingers tightly. 

__

Caught off-guard, with every emotion laid bare, their eyes focused solely on each other. Once again, the world around them faded away as they stared intently, their faces filled with longing and desire. 

__

They might have stood there indefinitely if Chakotay hadn’t felt a hand slap his shoulder and a voice echo in his ears. Abruptly, he spun around to find his best friend, Ham-dord, grinning at him knowingly.

__

“We’re ready to go, Chakotay. Are you coming or are you going to stand there forever, cluttering up the hallway?” 

__

Automatically, Chakotay started to step away from Kathryn, but at the sudden look of fear in her eyes, he hesitated, then made an instant decision. “You go ahead, Ham-dord, I’ll catch up with you in a few minutes.”

__

His friend nodded and disappeared around the corner, even as Chakotay grasped Kathryn’s hand to lead her into a darkened corner. Glancing around to make sure they were alone, he reached for her, pulling her into his arms and hugging her tightly.

__

“Oh god, Kathryn, I’ve missed you so much and didn’t even know it!” he muttered in her ear. “Until now, I thought I’d gotten over you.”

__

“I’ve missed you, too,” she answered in a soft whisper as she wrapped her arms around his back.

__

Chakotay leaned back enough to see her face, smiling down at her warmly although with a hint of puzzlement. “I don’t understand this feeling I get whenever I see you,” he told her. “It’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before, as if we’re…two halves of a whole. What is it? What are you doing to me?”

__

Shaking her head, Kathryn replied, “I don’t understand it either. I’ve tried to forget you and I thought I’d pretty well succeeded, but now I know I was just fooling myself.” Taking a deep breath, she continued hesitantly, “I think I love you. How is that possible?! How can it have happened so fast? I hardly know you!”

__

Seeing her face filled with love, fear, trepidation and joy all mixed together, Chakotay did the only thing he could think of and bent his head to kiss her. Gently, his mouth moved over hers as his tongue slipped out to caress her lips. 

__

Kathryn’s heart started to pound even harder and she strained against him, desire exploding through her mind and body, overwhelming all reason. In response, Chakotay’s tongue swept into her mouth as he tightened his hold.

__

Suddenly, Ham-dord’s voice intruded again. “Chakotay! We’re going right now. Are you coming or not?”

__

Startled, they separated, each panting hard, fighting for control.

__

“You better go,” muttered Kathryn, stepping further back.

__

Nodding, he turned and at another yell, sprinted down the corridor out of sight.

__

Willing her legs to hold her up, Kathryn remained motionless for several minutes until she was sure she could walk in a reasonably normal fashion. Then she slowly followed in Chakotay’s path along the corridor, wondering what on earth she was going to do now.

__

__

*****

__

__

Normally, Kathryn loved Christmas. Her family, traditionalists that they were, believed in celebrating the holiday with all the trappings – a big Christmas tree smothered in decorations and surrounded by gifts, and a large family dinner when all the relatives they never saw the rest of the year gathered together. Enveloped in the warmth and love of family and friends, for Kathryn, Christmas was the highlight of the year.

__

This year, however, was different. 

__

The intense interlude with Chakotay, brief as it had been, had left her shaken and feeling very unsure of herself. He was constantly in her thoughts, especially at night when she lay in her bed gazing out her window at the dark sky, the stars bright in the cold, crisp air. _‘Is he looking at the same stars?’_ she wondered, _‘maybe even thinking about me?’_ Common sense would intervene, telling her not to make too much of a couple of kisses, but her heart told a different story. There was an indefinable connection between them – he’d felt it, too. 

__

Sometimes, her emotions seemed to explode within her – joy, fear, resentment and hope would boil through her all at the same time. Unable to control her moods, she tried to ignore her feelings, only to find herself staring blindly at nothing, the image of Chakotay’s face tantalizing her mind. 

__

Kathryn’s air of distraction did not go unnoticed. The dreamy, glazed expression she wore was so unlike her usual energetic, determined self that even her father realized something had fundamentally changed in her world. When he remarked to his wife that Katie seemed to have undergone some kind of metamorphosis, the pieces fell into place.

__

Gretchen nodded thoughtfully. “You know, I think she must have met someone.”

__

Like many admirals, Edward Janeway was prone to thinking in straight lines. “Well, of course, she has – there are over two thousand cadets at the Academy. She should have met lots of people.”

__

Gretchen sighed. “That’s not what I mean, dear. I think she’s met a young man, someone who’s set her heart dancing.”

__

He stared at her, puzzled. “But I thought after that debacle with Cheb what’s-his-name that she’d sworn off boys. That’s what she told me. And very relieved I was to hear it, too, I can tell you! She has enough class work and assignments to keep her occupied twenty-four hours a day. She certainly doesn’t need any distractions.”

__

His wife patted his arm soothingly. “Well, my dear, we can’t always choose when we fall in love, can we?” She gave him an arch look. “As I recall, both _our_ fathers thought we were much too young to get married. And what did we do?”

__

Edward grinned at her. “Got married anyway.” Reaching for her, he wrapped his arms around her. “And never once have I regretted that we didn’t listen to them. We knew what was best for us.”

__

Hugging him tightly in return, Gretchen smiled into his chest. “My point exactly. Katie’s a big girl now. It may be she’s falling in love and if she is, the best thing we can do is be as supportive as possible, and let her know we’re behind her all the way. I’ll speak to her tonight after dinner.” She stepped back before changing the subject. “Now, my dear, if you’re not busy, I need someone to peel the vegetables while I make dessert. Aunt Martha and Uncle Jack will be here at any moment and you know how she is once she gets going on the ‘family history’. It’s nearly impossible for me to concentrate on what I’m doing, so I want to get started now while it’s still quiet.”

__

Moving towards the kitchen as she spoke, she latched firmly onto Edward’s hand. Admiral or not, he recognized that in his home, Gretchen was in charge and he had to follow orders just like everyone else, something she always enjoyed teasing him about.

__

It was late that evening before she found a few moments to speak to her daughter alone. However, when she asked if she’d met someone, Kathryn first vehemently denied it, then burst into tears and ran up to her room. Wisely, Gretchen decided not to push her to talk – obviously, Katie needed time yet to sort through her feelings. Hopefully, she would be comfortable enough to discuss the young man before the holidays ended.

__

However, when the day of Kathryn’s departure had arrived, and still she’d said nothing, Gretchen tried to reassure her without appearing to pry. “I hope you’ll come home if you need advice or just to talk, darling,” she told Kathryn gently. “I’ll be here.”

__

Smiling in relief that her mother hadn’t pushed her, spontaneously she reached forward to hug her. “Thanks, Mom,” she whispered. “I’ll remember.”

__

__

*****

__

__

As had happened before, once back in their classes and involved in all their other activities, Kathryn and Chakotay were each caught up in their own separate worlds. Both were busier than ever with assignments and neither had much time to think about anything else. Again, each tucked away the image of the other into a corner of their hearts, not forgetting but able to put their feelings aside in order to concentrate on the more immediate business of studying.

__

As well, in order to fulfill the final requirement for graduation, Chakotay spent a month on a working starship, learning all the practical business of what life was like in deep space. The crew of the Mandalay was well-used to senior cadets who thought they knew everything; the general rule of thumb was to throw them in the deep end and see who could swim. As a result, Chakotay had to be alert and able to concentrate on a hundred different tasks every day – by evening, he was too exhausted to do more than collapse in his bed. 

__

For both of them, all thoughts of romance had to take a back seat to the very real practicalities of getting the best marks possible and preparing for the end of one life and the beginning of another.

__

And so it was that neither saw the other until graduation day.

__

__

*****

__

__

Although classes were over, Kathryn was still at the Academy writing exams when her father contacted her. 

__

“I’m to speak at Commencement next week, Katie,” he told her, “and I notice that your last exam is just two days before. Would you like to stay over and come with me? It would give you a chance to see what it’s all about, join in the festivities and so on. And quite frankly, your mother says she’d be glad of a break from it this year. Phoebe has her in a dither again about something – don’t ask what, you don’t want to know!” Edward Janeway paused, a familiar look of exasperation on his face that appeared often when discussing his younger daughter.

__

Kathryn grinned sympathetically. “I’d be glad to go with you, Dad. Am I to be your official escort or just along for the ride?” She knew that if she were to take her mother’s place, she might well have to go to all sorts of boring receptions where everyone talked over her head. However, if he simply wanted some company, then once the ceremonies were complete, he would go home and she would be free to do as she wished. In the back of her mind was the knowledge that Chakotay would be one of the graduates – with any luck, she might be able to meet him again.

__

Her mind jerked back to what her father was saying. “….quite unofficial, Katie, you don’t have to worry. I haven’t seen you in a while, and I wanted to have a chance to talk to you, and find out how you’re doing. Maybe we could have dinner the night before – would you like that?”

__

Smiling in relief, Kathryn was quick to assure him she’d like that very much indeed.

__

“Excellent,” he beamed. “I’ll be in touch to arrange times and so forth. Good luck on the last exam.”

__

“Thanks, Dad. See you soon.” 

__

Signing off, she sat still for several moments, her heart starting to race with anticipation. With just a little luck, she would see Chakotay, maybe even be able to talk to him. In her mind’s eye, she could picture his smiling face; resolutely, she forced it away in order to get back to the business of studying. Time enough for daydreaming after exams. 

__

__

*****

__

__

Graduation day finally arrived.

__

Only the week before, Chakotay had returned from his month-long stint aboard the Mandalay to discover a message from Starfleet Personnel informing him that on the day after the ceremony, he would travel to Deep Space Five to join the Merrimac as it embarked on a two-year mission of exploration beyond the Typhon Expanse. 

__

Standing in front of the monitor, he was conscious of very mixed feelings. His first experience of working in deep space, while exhausting, had also been exhilarating – he knew he was meant to be among the stars and couldn’t wait to return. However, the familiar surroundings of the Academy had become a second home to him and he was going to miss them very much. As well, like a spectre ever-present in the back of his mind, Kathryn Janeway haunted him.

__

Since Christmas break, he had tried hard to put her out of his head in order to concentrate on his studies, and for the most part, he’d succeeded. It was only at odd moments that her image would pop into his memory, insinuating herself into his mind so completely that he quite lost track of what he was doing. Fortunately, on the Mandalay, he’d been so busy that he’d been able to ignore her shadowy presence, but here at the Academy, she had returned to the forefront of his thoughts. 

__

He couldn’t help but wonder if she were still on campus, although common sense told him she had probably left right after exams – after all, why would she hang around? _‘Forget her,’_ he told himself firmly just as he had a thousand times before. _‘You’re leaving on a long mission. Even if you do see her, nothing can come of it.’_

__

Resolutely pushing thoughts of her away, he finished donning his dress uniform, checked himself once more in the mirror and headed out the door. The galaxy was waiting for him – time to get on to the next stage of his life.

__

__

*****

__

__

From her seat in the balcony on one side of the auditorium, Kathryn watched the long line of graduates file in slowly to the solemn notes of the Starfleet anthem. Dressed identically, there were so many black heads she was having trouble identifying Chakotay. Again and again, she would think she’d spotted him, only to realize a moment later that it was someone else instead. He would be with the pilots, she reminded herself, looking for the group with a pale blue stripe on their sleeves in the old air force tradition. 

__

Finally, as she craned her neck to see past the large man seated directly in front of her, she caught a very quick glimpse of him. Sighing happily, she sat back, content to wait until his name was called to come forward for his diploma. Fortunately, her view of the stage was unimpeded,

__

“Cadet Leon Cahill,” echoed the stentorian tones of the Director of the Academy, Admiral Hawthorne. A slight smattering of applause accompanied a very blond young man walking proudly towards the Commander-in-Chief of Starfleet, Admiral Jelden, to receive his diploma.

__

“Cadet Jasreen Ceara….”

__

“Cadet Chakotay.” 

__

Abruptly, Kathryn sat up straight, her heart suddenly pounding so hard she felt it would explode. As Chakotay began to walk across the stage, she actually gasped aloud, causing several people nearby to glance at her curiously. Blushing furiously, she fought for some semblance of self-control, then was astonished a moment later to hear her father’s distinctive voice.

__

“Cadet Chakotay,” spoke Edward Janeway, as he moved forward to stand beside the C-in-C. “For achieving the highest mark of the graduating class in advanced tactics, I hereby present you with the McMaster Medal and Book Award. Congratulations, Cadet.”

__

Applause and even a few cheers echoed through the audience as Chakotay bowed his head in gratitude. “Thank you, sir,” he murmured softly, barely audible over the wave of sound behind him.

__

He shook the admiral’s hand, then the C-in-C’s as he received his diploma. “Well done, Cadet,” Admiral Jelden told him. 

__

Beaming with pride, he began to walk off the stage as Admiral Hawthorne announced the next cadet. Just as he reached the stairs, he hesitated, glancing around as if looking for someone. Kathryn wondered if somehow he sensed her presence, but the moment passed and he stepped down to the main floor, returning to his seat.

__

The rest of the ceremony passed in a blur as she sat lost in memories of dark brown eyes and dimpled smiles. Even her father’s speech sailed completely over her head. It was only when a fanfare sounded to signal the end of the ceremony that she realized the graduates were all on their feet and starting to lead the way outside. 

__

Not wanting to miss Chakotay, Kathryn stood as well and tried to follow as quickly as she could. However, her progress was impeded by the sheer volume of people all leaving at once. By the time she worked her way through to the main exit, the graduates were dispersing in all directions. 

__

Frantically, she swung around, trying to see everywhere at once, but in the sea of faces, she couldn’t find him. 

__

“Kathryn!” She heard her father’s voice from behind and turned around, waiting for him to reach her. 

__

“Did you enjoy the ceremony?” asked Edward Janeway, as he reached her side, taking her arm. “I thought it went very well. Why don’t we head over to the officers’ club and I’ll treat you to lunch?”

__

Smiling up at him, Kathryn turned as Edward started to move forward – then halted in astonishment. There, right in front of her, stood Chakotay, his eyes alight with sudden joy. “Kathryn,” he spoke her name softly, almost reverently.

__

Once again, the world fell away as they gazed intently at each other, Chakotay’s hand lifting hesitantly as if to caress her cheek. An ecstatic smile transformed Kathryn’s face, making her glow in a way her father had never seen.

__

“Katie?” spoke Edward after a moment, when she showed no signs of moving. “Are you coming to lunch?” 

__

His voice brought her back to reality and she blushed as she faced him. “Uh…why don’t you go ahead? I’ll be along in a few minutes.” Her voice held an odd, excited note to it, quite unlike her usual steady tone. 

__

Edward debated whether he should insist she accompany him, but she was already moving away, the tall cadet at her side. Telling himself that Katie was perfectly capable of taking care of herself, he walked towards the club without looking back. If he had, he would have seen his daughter tugging on the cadet’s hand, leading him into the nearest building.

__

“I’ve only got a few minutes,” she told Chakotay hastily. “I’m so glad to see you! I tried to find you when I came outside, but there are so many people….”

__

“I know,” he replied. “If your father hadn’t called your name, I wouldn’t have known you were here. Kathryn, I’m posted to the Merrimac…on a two-year mission. I’m going tomorrow!” Biting his lip, he stared into her hopeful eyes, trying to hold fast to his resolution not to become involved with her. He was leaving. The timing was all wrong. They were too late! But overpowering all the reasons not to start a romance was her face, gazing pleadingly up at him. And his good intentions crumbled into dust. “Kathryn, I want to see you. Are you leaving right away or can you stay on for a bit?”

__

Her face furrowed in concentration. “I’m supposed to go home today, but I’ll tell Dad I’m staying over tonight. We don’t have to be out of our dorms until tomorrow.” She clutched his hands. “How will I find you?”

__

“I’m in Archer Hall, room 4B. My roommate is still here, but he’ll be out celebrating tonight. Come as soon as you can. I’ll wait for you.” Bending down, he kissed her lightly, then dropped her hands. “You better go.”

__

Nodding, Kathryn spun around and hurried towards the club, trying to think how best to convince her father that she should be allowed to stay here for one more night. However, much to her surprise, when she casually announced that she wasn’t quite ready to go home yet, he merely nodded, replying that he’d tell her mother to expect her tomorrow. Trying her best to maintain a calm facade, Kathryn quickly changed the subject, asking about his most recent shuttle project. To her relief, the rest of lunch was spent discussing ‘safe’ topics, mainly the latest advances in warp drive design. Only when they were parting outside did Edward grasp her shoulder firmly, his eyes suddenly boring into hers.

__

“Don’t let the celebrations go to your head, Katie. You’re still pretty young to be attending grad parties.”

__

She nodded, suddenly feeling very calm and in control. “I’ll be careful, Dad, don’t worry.” Reaching up, she kissed him on the cheek before turning toward her dorm. “See you tomorrow.”

__

Edward nodded thoughtfully, suddenly remembering where he’d seen the tall cadet. He’d presented him with the McMaster Medal…now, what was his name? Something unusual. Should be easy enough to find out.

__

Quickly, he strode across the great plaza to Headquarters, and moments later, was entering his office. It took only a moment to find out what he wanted to know. Cadet – now Ensign – Chakotay. “Well, Ensign Chakotay,” he muttered, “you better treat my daughter properly, or you won’t be an ensign very long.”

__

__

*****

__

__

Hurrying into her dorm and up to her room, Kathryn paused only long enough to change into some casual clothes and wash her face. Dragging a brush through her hair, she tied it back loosely then dashed out the door. Suddenly she couldn’t wait to see Chakotay.

__

As she neared Archer Hall, she slowed her steps, realizing her frantic pace might draw unwanted attention. Sauntering leisurely, she ambled up to the open door and sidled in, crossing her fingers that no one was paying attention. Once inside, unwilling to wait for the lift, she trotted up the stairs to the fourth floor, her heart beating rapidly from the exercise and anticipation.

__

Room B was the second door along the hall. Knocking lightly, she waited expectantly.

__

Almost at once, the door slid open to reveal Chakotay standing there, still wearing his dress pants but without the tunic. Grinning, he seized her hand and pulled her inside.

__

“I was afraid you wouldn’t come,” he began, his eyes shining, “and I was trying to figure out how I’d find you. But now – here you are.”

__

“I had to wait until my father was ready to leave so I wouldn’t arouse any suspicion. And I wanted to get changed, too.” Her eyes were huge with excitement mixed with some trepidation. “Coming here, especially by myself, isn’t the sort of thing I normally do, you know. I’ve never been in the boys’ dorm before, much less in one of the rooms.” 

__

“Well, entertaining girls here isn’t the sort of thing I usually do, either,” he retorted, his grin softening the words. Tugging on her hands, he pulled her into his arms, hugging her tightly to him. “Oh Kathryn, I’ve missed you so much! I tried to forget you, to put you out of my head, but I know now I was only fooling myself.”

__

Her arms tightened around his back. “Me, too. I don’t know what will happen after today, but I can’t fight this feeling anymore.” 

__

Lifting his head, Chakotay gazed happily into her eyes then bent to brush his mouth across hers. “I love you, Kathryn. I want to hold you and touch you, and feel your skin against mine. I want to worship your body, every inch from head to toe. I want to make love to you, but only if you do, too.”

__

She stared up into his eyes, knowing this was the moment of truth. Her head was telling her to wait, that this was all happening too fast, but her heart and body were urging her onward, reminding her he would be gone the next day, maybe for good. _‘It’s now or never,’_ she thought and nodded. “Yes, Chakotay, I want to as well.”

__

Swinging her up into his arms, he laughed in delight as he spun her around. “Kathryn, oh Kathryn! You’re everything I could ever wish for! In the entire universe, there is no one as wonderful as you!”

__

Clinging to his neck, Kathryn laughed with him, her heart nearly bursting with joy. 

__

Chakotay backed up to the bed then turned to lay Kathryn down on it. His face turned solemn as he gazed down at her. “Are you sure?” he whispered softly.

__

Taking a deep breath, she nodded. “Yes. But…I, uh, I should tell you…I’ve never done this before.”

__

He looked slightly surprised. “Never had sex, you mean?”

__

“No.”

__

Lying down beside her, he slid his arm under her head and cradled her against his chest. “I’ll be as careful as I can, I promise, but it will most likely hurt. Kathryn, we don’t have to….”

__

“Yes. We do. I want this, Chakotay, and I want it to be with you.”

__

As they lay together, Kathryn’s mind and heart were filled with a wondrous peace. This was a moment of perfect harmony, she realized, something very rare to be stored carefully in her memory so she wouldn’t forget the feelings she was experiencing. 

__

Chakotay’s eyes held the same realization. “I love you,” he told her, his hand coming up to caress her face. “No matter where we go or what happens, I will love you for the rest of my life.”

__

“Yes,” she replied softly, “I feel it, too. My life is complete with you.”

__

“Soul mates,” murmured Chakotay as he pulled her next to him. “My people say that if a man is very lucky, he will meet his soul mate, and if he does, there can never be anyone else. For the rest of his life, he is tied to that woman.”

__

Kathryn reached to pull him down to her, her mouth seeking and finding his in a kiss that sent a spark right down to her toes. Again and again, she kissed him, committing herself to him for a lifetime.

__

__

*****

__

__

After spending the night together, grateful that the roommate had never come home, Chakotay awoke the next morning, a marvelous feeling of contentment suffusing him from head to toe. Gently, he caressed Kathryn’s face and hair, gradually rousing her.

__

Turning to face him, she propped herself up on one elbow, then leaned down to kiss him deeply before she slid out of bed and disappeared into the bathroom. 

__

Lying back on the pillows, Chakotay was content to wait patiently.

__

In a few minutes, she reappeared to climb back into his arms. 

__

They lay sprawled together for several more minutes before Kathryn roused herself enough to look at the time. At once, she pulled herself up and off the bed.

__

“What is it?” asked Chakotay, anxiously. “Where are you going?” 

__

“Look at the time!” she told him. “It’s almost ten. I have to go – my family is expecting me.”

__

At her words, he jumped up as well. “And I have to be on the transport for Deep Space Five in just over two hours.”

__

Quickly, they dressed, then kissed each other deeply, promising to keep in contact as much as they could.

__

As Kathryn was about to dash out the door, Chakotay gripped her face between his hands, staring intently into her face. “I love you, Kathryn Janeway. Never forget that,” he told her solemnly, as if swearing a vow.

__

Caught by his intensity, she reached up to caress his cheek. “I love you, too, Chakotay, and neither of us will forget.”

__

One more kiss and she was gone.

__

__

*****

__

__

When she first arrived home into the arms of her loving family, Kathryn seemed her usual, straightforward self, but soon her mother noticed a difference in her normally energetic daughter. While before she’d always been ready to join in any activity or game, now Kathryn seemed content to sit dreamy-eyed on the front porch, curled up in one of the big wicker chairs, staring with unfocused eyes at the landscape. 

__

_‘It’s Christmas all over again,’_ thought Gretchen, determined this time to get Kathryn to open up. However, just like four months earlier, Kathryn refused to talk. 

__

“I’m fine, Mom,” was all she would say, and try as she might, Gretchen could get no more out of her.

__

Several days went by, days which Kathryn spent mostly either sitting on the porch or in her favourite ‘thinking’ tree, or on long, solitary walks with the dog. Even when some of her friends called, asking her to join them in various activities, she put them off, replying she was very tired and for the moment, just wanted to rest. 

__

By now, Gretchen was becoming seriously concerned. Katie was exhibiting all the signs of having fallen deeply in love, yet despite every encouragement, she refused to talk about it; her mother couldn’t help but wonder if something had gone wrong. In desperation, she contacted her husband, who had gone to the main shipyard at Utopia Planitia to personally supervise the construction of the prototype of the shuttle he’d designed. At first, he brushed off her concern, telling her Katie was probably just worn out, and reminding her that at Christmas, she was the one who’d insisted they be supportive but not nosy. 

__

However, Gretchen wasn’t to be denied. “I know I did, Edward, and at the time, I thought that was the best approach. But now, she is so…different, so completely the opposite of our Katie….” She paused, unable to find the words she wanted to describe her worries, before repeating, “There’s something wrong, Edward, I know it.”

__

He sighed in exasperation and put aside the PADD he’d been working on. “Very well. What do you want me to do?”

__

“Find out who the man is, first of all.”

__

“Well, that I can tell you. His name is Chakotay.” 

__

His wife threw up her hands. “You mean you knew and didn’t say anything? Edward Janeway!”

__

“You didn’t ask,” he replied simply.

__

Gretchen scowled but put aside her indignation to deal with the more important issue. “How do you know? Have you met him? Who is he?”

__

“One question at a time, my love,” her husband smiled at her. “I met him at commencement last week – in fact I presented him with the McMaster Medal. He’s a very bright young man and should do well. After the ceremony, just as I found Katie, he came up to speak to her for a few minutes. And no, before you ask, I didn’t overhear their conversation. However, it was after that she said she wanted to stay over the extra day; I assume he was asking her to one of the grad parties. I treated her to lunch, we had a very pleasant conversation and just before I left, I told her to be careful, which she assured me she would. 

__

“She’s a big girl now, Gretchen, she can look after herself. You said that yourself at Christmas and you were quite right. Don’t get in a dither about her.”

__

“Well, if he’s so wonderful, why won’t she discuss him? Edward, it doesn’t make sense. She’s preoccupied to the point that she’s hardly aware of anyone else. It seems to me she’d want to tell us all about him, wouldn’t she?”

__

Anxious to get back to his work, her husband shrugged. “I have no idea, but….” He held up his hand to forestall his wife’s protests. “I’ll find out what I can about him, where he’s assigned and so forth. Will that do?”

__

Gretchen’s face was wreathed in smiles. “Thank you, my love, that will do just fine.”

__

Signing off, she wandered into the kitchen for a fresh cup of coffee, feeling more relieved than she had in several days.

__

Several hours later, Edward contacted his wife to tell her that he’d learned Ensign Chakotay came from Dorvan Five, one of the colony worlds out near the border with Cardassia, that he had behaved in an exemplary manner during his time at the Academy, and that he had been posted to the USS Merrimac for a two-year mission of exploration. “From what I can discover, Ensign Chakotay arrived at Deep Space Five yesterday,” he finished.

__

Gretchen nodded thoughtfully. “Well, that would certainly explain her preoccupation. Thank you, love, we’ll see you on the weekend.” 

__

Later, as she stood over the stove preparing dinner, she couldn’t help but wonder how well a romance would survive a two-year separation. 

__

__

*****

__

__

Although at first, Edward Janeway had been inclined to scoff at his wife’s concern about Kathryn, by the time he’d spent a weekend watching his daughter meander about with her head in the clouds, he began to think there was more to what Gretchen had been saying than he’d thought. While she had now come to the conclusion that eventually, given sufficient time and distance, Katie would get over the boy, Edward wasn’t so sure. As he prepared to return to the shipyard, he voiced his concern to his wife.

__

“I’ll be frank, Gretchen, I don’t like how involved Katie has become with that fellow. She’s hardly said two words to me the entire time I’ve been here! If this keeps up, she won’t be able to concentrate on her studies and her grades will slip. We have to do something.”

__

In vain, Gretchen tried to ease his worries. “I think you’re overreacting, love. I’ll confess that I was very concerned for a while, but when you told me that he’d been sent off on a two-year mission of exploration, that explained everything. Katie’s having to learn how to accept that and obviously, it’s hard for her. She’s never been in this situation before but I think she’ll soon find her feet. Just give her some time.”

__

Unwilling to continue the discussion, Edward merely nodded, but in the back of his head lay the thought that the romance should be ended as soon as possible in order to allow his daughter to concentrate on the primary goal – her grades. On board the shuttle back to Utopia Planitia, he contacted a former classmate who was now high up in Starfleet Intelligence. A few casual questions, a short discussion, and the deed was done. Any communication between Ensign Chakotay of the USS Merrimac and Cadet Kathryn Janeway of Starfleet Academy would be intercepted and destroyed. Feeling that he’d fulfilled his parental responsibilities, Edward returned to his work with a mind relieved of all familial cares.

__

For some time, Kathryn continued to mope about the house, only speaking in monosyllabic answers to specific questions or to inquire if there were any messages for her. When the answer was ‘no’, which it always was, her face would fall in dismay before she plodded back to her tree. 

__

Several times, her mother asked if she’d like to talk, but she always shook her head, her face downcast. Sighing, Gretchen left her alone, knowing somehow she would have to find her own way.

__

Finally, one morning, she arrived in the kitchen to find Kathryn already there making coffee. Her face was still pale, the eyes sad, but there was an air of determination about her that had been missing for all too long. Gretchen heaved a silent sigh of relief – Katie was back.

__

After that, Kathryn began to participate once more in various activities with her family and friends. However, she also embarked on a complicated project involving stellar phenomena for extra credits, a project which kept her hunched over her computer for hours at a time. 

__

In vain, Gretchen protested that she needed a proper holiday. Kathryn retorted that she needed to keep busy. Edward intervened, siding with his daughter. Unwilling to force the issue, Gretchen gave in, but her brow remained furrowed with worry. 

__

__

*****

__

__

Meanwhile, on board the USS Merrimac, a sad-eyed young ensign hovered over the terminal in his quarters, desperately hoping that the latest communications packet from Earth would contain a message for him. But, exactly as had happened each day previously, there was nothing. Miserable and heartsick, he trudged slowly out the door and down the corridor towards the turbolift. Even though his heart was breaking, he still had to put in an eight-hour duty shift. 

__

__

*****

__

__

As the weeks passed with no word from Chakotay, Kathryn forced herself to set him aside. She couldn’t forget him – that was impossible – but she was able to learn to live her life without him. The project gave her a focus and by the end of summer, Chakotay had become a bittersweet memory, the sharp pain of loss muted into a dull ache, which she could mostly ignore. 

__

She returned to the Academy filled with a new resolve to concentrate solely on her studies and put all thoughts of black-haired men out of her mind. In the weeks and months to come, for the most part, she succeeded.

__

In each of the next two summers, she was able to secure a berth on a four-month training cruise, which left her no time to reflect on lost loves. Her days at the Academy were crammed full of class work and assignments with little time for socializing, and although she became known as something of an egghead, no one begrudged her first-place standing. All her classmates knew how hard she worked to achieve her high grades.

__

In June 2352, the day of her graduation brought back a few unwanted memories, but Kathryn was easily able to brush them aside. She was grown up now, she told herself, a very different person from that young girl who had made the mistake of falling in love and letting a man sweet-talk her into bed, a mistake she had been very careful never to repeat. Love wasn’t for her – she had a career full of all sorts of possibilities in front of her, which was a much more exciting prospect.

__

Standing straight and proud in front of the commander-in-chief as he presented her with her diploma, Kathryn’s head was filled only with thoughts of adventures to come. Chakotay no longer had a place there.

__


	2. Part 2:  The Years Between

**In the Alpha Quadrant – 2349-2371**

Years passed, years which saw tremendous joys and profound sorrows, years filled with happiness and regrets. And years during which both Kathryn and Chakotay established their careers, advancing steadily through the ranks of Starfleet. 

On her first posting as a newly-minted ensign, Kathryn was captured by, and subsequently rescued from, the Cardassians, later embarking on a passionate love affair with her rescuer, Lt. Justin Tighe. After a number of ups and downs, they became engaged, much to the delight of her family, who welcomed Justin with open arms. 

Only a few weeks before the wedding, Kathryn and Justin accompanied her father, Edward, on a test flight in his latest shuttle prototype. The vessel crashed on an icy planet, killing Edward and Justin, and leaving Kathryn seriously injured, both physically and mentally. It was months before she recovered enough to resume her career, and she would carry deep psychological scars for the rest of her life. 

Once she could think rationally about the accident, she came to the conclusion that she must be very careful to keep a guard on her heart. Twice, she had fallen deeply in love and twice, she had lost the man she adored. She would not permit herself to do so again.

Her recovery from the crash was aided in large part by Mark Johnson, a childhood friend who had been in love with her for years. Although unwilling to reciprocate Mark’s affections to the same degree, Kathryn did settle into a comfortable relationship with him, one which she felt suited her needs very nicely. She had her career, he had his; neither made many demands on the other, leaving each free to pursue their own interests. Mark represented calm and stability – exactly what she needed after so much emotional upheaval. When he suggested they formalize their relationship and get married, she shrugged, then agreed. Why not? They were both at that point in their lives where comfort and peace of mind were prime considerations. And if her dreams were occasionally disturbed by images of a handsome young cadet with black hair and brown eyes…well, that was no one’s business but her own.

However, when Mark mentioned a possible date for the wedding, Kathryn demurred with a whole range of excuses. Thinking that perhaps her reluctance was a residual effect from the shock of losing Justin so suddenly, Mark settled back to wait patiently until she was ready.

In fact, Kathryn’s unwillingness had nothing to do with Justin’s untimely passing. She was quite unable to explain her adverse reaction to getting married in rational terms, and yet, every time she told herself to stop being silly and do it, she couldn’t. All she knew was that her entire being rebelled at the thought of being permanently attached to Mark, although she had no problem sharing his life on a more casual basis.

Angry at herself for giving into vague feelings, she tried to pretend that she simply had too much to do to think about weddings. She had just been appointed captain of a brand new ship called Voyager, still under construction in the yards at Utopia Planitia. The ship, which contained a number of state-of-the-art systems including bioneural circuitry, was something of an experiment. Since Kathryn was a scientist as well as a captain, she was an excellent choice to break in the new vessel. 

As she explained to Mark when the invitation was issued for the official naming ceremony, she had been given a unique opportunity, one which didn’t come to many captains, and she wanted to make the most of it. Once she had taken Voyager out for trials and on a few shakedown cruises, she would have more time to plan a wedding.

He smiled quietly down at her, then kissed her gently. “Take your time, Kath, take as long as you need.”

She felt very close to him in that moment. “Thanks, honey. I promise as soon as I’m done with her, I’m yours.”

Chuckling, he pulled her closer, his hands running over her body. “You’re more than worth the wait.”

*****

While Kathryn made her mark on Starfleet, first in Sciences and later on the Command track, Chakotay followed a somewhat different route. 

In the first three months after shipping out, he sent over a dozen letters and messages to Kathryn. As time went by and there was no reply, the tone of each became progressively more despairing until the last one, in which he told her that since she hadn’t answered him at all, he could only assume she’d found someone new. His heart broke as he spoke the fateful words, releasing her from all promises and wishing her peace and happiness in her life; however, under the circumstances, he believed letting her go was the most sensible course he could take. He would love her until the day he died – that was a given – but he wouldn’t force himself on her if she no longer reciprocated his feelings. Somehow, he would have to learn to live without her.

The two years on the Merrimac provided him with a stable environment in which to heal emotionally, as well as giving him all the practical experience a raw young ensign could ask for. The captain firmly believed that the greater variety of experience his crew had, the better, and consequently made sure his officers, in particular the young ones, were regularly sent on away missions. Although he made his share of mistakes, Chakotay soon impressed the senior officers as a reliable young man who could be counted on to remain calm and focused in whatever situation he found himself. By the time he returned to San Francisco for reassignment, he was a seasoned officer, well-versed in the finer points of first contact.

After the Merrimac, he served on a number of ships before applying to teach at the Academy. Although he enjoyed life on vessels in deep space, he wanted to ‘broaden his horizons’, as he phrased it, and try his hand at something completely different. As well, he had begun a romantic relationship with a woman named Sveta, a lieutenant currently posted to Headquarters as an aide to Admiral Sovak. Unwilling to be separated from her, when he was offered an instructor’s position, he jumped at the chance to stay nearby. 

Although the romance with Sveta didn’t last more than a few months, Chakotay found he enjoyed teaching enormously. His course in advanced tactics was soon regarded as mandatory for any cadet thinking of a career in security or intelligence. He and Sveta remained good friends; through her, he met a number of other officers from colony worlds like himself, including Lt.-Commander Cal Hudson. 

In Hudson, Chakotay recognized a kindred spirit – a good-natured, gentle man, slow to anger, and with the same twisted sense of humour. The two soon became inseparable, spending much of their off-duty time together. 

When Chakotay’s home world, Dorvan Five, was abruptly handed over to Cardassia by the Federation, Hudson, who had just been appointed Starfleet attaché to the colonies, promised to keep Chakotay informed of events there and to watch out for his village as much as he could.

In late February, 2368, the Cardassians launched simultaneous attacks on every community on Dorvan Five, in an all-out effort to wipe the planet clean of every inhabitant. Among those killed were members of Chakotay’s family – his mother, older sister and her family, cousins, aunts and uncles; the only survivors were his father and possibly his younger sister, who had disappeared the night of the attack and not been seen since.

At once, the entire border was in an uproar. The colonists cried out for assistance from the Federation but were met with silence. When pressed, the Council declared that the inhabitants of those planets handed over to Cardassia had been warned that, by the terms of the treaty, the Federation would be unable to help them should they require it. They had refused to abandon their homes and livelihoods – now, they were on their own. 

Frantically, Chakotay tried to get more news but every door was slammed in his face. From being a respected instructor at the Academy, he was now regarded with barely-concealed suspicion by some and indifference by others. In desperation, he went to the Director of the Academy, who managed to arrange an appointment with Admiral Nimembeh, head of Intelligence. 

However, the admiral was quite unsympathetic to Chakotay’s plea for information and made no effort to allay his concerns. 

Pushed beyond endurance, Chakotay finally took the only alternative left, throwing his combadge and rank pips onto the admiral’s desk. “I’m resigning my commission, effective immediately!” he roared at the startled admiral. “If no one here will tell me what’s happening on the border, I’ll just have to find out for myself!”

Spinning on his heel, he strode out of the office and was in the turbolift before the admiral had the presence of his mind to try and stop him. 

An hour later, packing up the last of his possessions in his apartment, and wondering where to turn next, Chakotay was very surprised to receive a visit from Sveta. He was even more surprised by what she had to say.

“Go to Bajor, Chakotay,” she told him, “and contact this person.” She briefly showed him a name on a PADD before deleting it. “This is where you’ll find him.” This time, an address in the capital appeared momentarily. “He has friends who will help you.”

Kissing him soundly, she promised to see him again soon, but she couldn’t say where. “A lot of us are with you,” were her final words, “you’re not alone.”

His spirits buoyed by her reassurance, he took passage on the first ship he could find heading in the direction of Bajor. Six weeks later, when he finally arrived at his destination after a long and circuitous route through the Alpha Quadrant, he was astonished to find his good friend Cal Hudson with his contact. He was even more surprised to discover that Cal was a member of a new resistance movement, known as the Maquis.

“We’re starting to fight back, Chakotay,” explained Hudson. “If the Federation won’t help us, then we’ll just have to help ourselves.”  
“Do you know what happened to my father?” asked Chakotay, whose concerns were more immediate. “Or my sister?”

Hudson shook his head. “They’ve both disappeared. The situation on Dorvan has been so chaotic, it’s quite possible they were evacuated before they had time to contact you. I’ll try to find out more, but it’s difficult, as I’m sure you understand.”

Nodding his thanks, Chakotay then asked more about the Maquis. 

At the end of an hour of discussion, he knew he’d found a new life for himself, one in which he could do something concrete to help prevent other colonies along the border from suffering the fate of his tribe.

*****

It was two years later when Chakotay met Cal Hudson in a grimy bar on a backwater planet near Setlik and heard the words he’d feared ever since the massacre on Dorvan. 

“I’m sorry,” Hudson began abruptly. “Your father was killed last month in a Cardassian attack on one of the refugee camps on Mericor.”

“Mericor?!” exclaimed Chakotay. “What was he doing there? Why didn’t he contact someone? Anyone? Surely the ones in charge of the camp could have let me know he was there. Why didn’t they?”

Hudson’s voice was warm with sympathy. “From what I’ve been told, and you understand the information is sketchy, it appears your father suffered from recurring amnesia. Why or how it happened, I don’t know, but it would seem he was there for some time with no idea of his identity. The situation right after the massacre was utter confusion; the first priority was to get the survivors off the planet to safety. I would imagine he was loaded onto a transport ship and removed from Dorvan as quickly as possible. If no one with him knew who he was, and he couldn’t tell those in charge….” Hudson shrugged. “Well, you see the difficulty. I’m sorry, Chakotay, but it was a series of unfortunate coincidences.”

Bowing his head, Chakotay fought back tears of anger and sorrow, struggling to control his emotions before they became obvious to those around them. “I…do you know how he died? Was it quick or…?” He paused, not wanting to say the dreaded words, yet he had to know. “Was he captured?”

Hudson was quick to reassure him. “He took a phaser blast full on and died instantly.”

Chakotay nodded, feeling absurdly grateful for the speed of his father’s death. He sat silent for a moment before starting to speak in a low voice. “I haven’t seen him for years, you know, even after I resigned from Starfleet. I wish I had. I wish….” His voice trailed off as he clenched his hands tightly.

A slender young woman, her slightly ridged forehead denoting her Klingon heritage, approached their table. “Chakotay,” she spoke softly, not wanting to attract attention. “Kurt sent me to tell you that two patrol ships have just been detected. He thinks they may be coming here.”

At once, the men got to their feet and casually headed for the door, as if they had nothing more on their minds than the next tavern down the street. The young woman paced behind them, her eyes checking over the other inhabitants of the bar. 

In a moment, they were all out on the street. Chakotay grasped Hudson’s hand firmly. “Thanks for coming to tell me in person. I know it was a long detour.”

White teeth flashed as Hudson smiled. “You’re my friend. I could do no less. Take care of yourself, Chakotay, we don’t want to lose you.”

Chakotay nodded, then turned and walked up the street, his pace unhurried, the woman at his side. In seconds, they’d vanished in the dark of night.

*****

And so the years went by, years in which neither Kathryn nor Chakotay ever had contact with each other. It was not a conscious decision on the part of either; indeed, both would have said it was just happenstance that their paths never crossed. But deep down, if they were truly honest, they would have admitted that each had been badly hurt by the other. On a subconscious level perhaps, they had been careful to avoid one another. In the end, whatever the reason, there was no communication at all between them for over twenty years.


	3. Part 3:  Delta Quadrant I

**2371-2373**

By early 2371, Federation authorities had become very concerned about certain officers in the Maquis who’d had the benefit of Starfleet command training – officers like Commander Chakotay. Believing that they presented a far greater threat than a ragtag bunch of ex-farmers who barely knew how to fly a shuttle, Starfleet Intelligence spent long hours attempting to figure out ways to capture them, or at least forestall their raids. However, the rebels always seemed to stay one jump ahead of them.

Realizing that their knowledge of Maquis operations was too limited to be of much use, Intelligence planners decided to plant an undercover operative on one of the rebel ships. Chakotay’s psychological profile indicated he was more gullible than most other Maquis captains, implying that a Federation agent would have the best chance of success on his ship. 

After considerable debate, the officer chosen was Lieutenant Tuvok, a Vulcan, who had been selected by Captain Janeway to be Voyager’s Chief of Security. With the promise that he would be pulled out of the Maquis in time to assume his posting, Tuvok was dispatched to Bajor disguised as a disgruntled ex-officer who could no longer stomach the Federation’s treatment of the border colonies. 

Although the Maquis were still holding their own in the fight against both Cardassia and the Federation, the movement had suffered a number of reversals, resulting in the loss of both ships and personnel. As well, many of the less enthusiastic recruits, disillusioned by the lack of success, had started to abandon the rebellion in search of greener pastures. As a result, the rebellion was beginning to lose momentum. A former Starfleet officer with Tuvok’s credentials was considered a major catch, and he was embraced by the Maquis with only a minimal security check. Although several cells vied for his attention, his orders from Intelligence had been quite specific – it was imperative he join Chakotay’s crew. 

At first, all went well, and Tuvok was able to forward clandestine reports on a regular basis. However, just as the deadline for his extraction approached, suddenly the ship he was on disappeared completely. 

In vain, Starfleet searched for the Liberty but it had vanished without a trace.

Frantic to salvage their plan, Intelligence demanded he be found as quickly as possible. Voyager, with its state-of-the-art technology, was the best equipped vessel Starfleet had to brave the plasma storms of the Badlands, where most of the Maquis bases were located. As a result, the date of launch was moved up to the following week while Captain Janeway was ordered to assemble what crew she could. Anyone not able to get to San Francisco in time would be left behind. 

In an attempt to improve their chances, she was given permission to approach Tom Paris – disgraced Starfleet officer and former member of the Maquis, currently incarcerated in the penal colony in New Zealand. His knowledge of the Badlands was more extensive than that of anyone else available. In return for his assistance, Starfleet was willing to consider his cooperation at his next outmate review. 

In May 2371, under a veil of secrecy, Voyager slipped her moorings at Utopia Planitia, barely a week after Tuvok’s missed check-in. 

Over the course of the journey to Deep Space Nine, the captain expended considerable effort in pushing all thoughts of precisely whom she’d be chasing out of her head. While examining Chakotay’s intelligence file, she spared scarcely a glance at the photo accompanying it. Deliberately, she focused her attention on the tactical details involved in a successful rescue of her chief of security. When, one evening, she found her traitorous thoughts straying into dangerous memories, she ruthlessly suppressed them. _‘It’s only for a few weeks’_ she reminded herself firmly. _‘I just have to hold on for a few weeks and it will all be over and done with. We’ll find Tuvok, take the Maquis into custody, and get back to Earth just as quickly as we can. And then I won’t have to think about Chakotay ever again.’_

Briefly they stopped at Deep Space Nine to await the arrival of their guide, Mr. Paris, and pick up their operations officer, Ensign Kim. Once both men were aboard, Captain Janeway wasted no time in setting a course for the Badlands and the Maquis. Little did she or anyone else know that it would be seven years before they saw the stars of the Alpha Quadrant again.

*****

Sliding between tendrils of lethal energy shooting out from plasma storms, Voyager inched her way further into an area that had proved to be a graveyard for many a ship. On the bridge stood the captain, her eyes glued to the screen. Behind her at tactical, Tom Paris was indicating to Commander Cavit, the first officer, where the Maquis camps were located beyond the Terikof Belt, in the heart of the Badlands.

“Captain!” interrupted Harry Kim’s puzzled voice. “I’m detecting a coherent tetryon beam scanning us.”

“Origin?”

“I’m not sure. There’s also a displacement wave moving toward us.”

“On screen. Analysis.” Janeway’s voice was perfectly steady, giving no hint of the sudden frisson of fear crawling up her spine. 

“It’s some kind of polarized magnetic variation.” 

Every instinct was telling the captain that wave meant trouble. Seizing on Cavit’s suggestion, she ordered tactical to emit a graviton particle field in an attempt to disperse it, at the same time calling for red alert. Not surprisingly, the graviton particles did absolutely nothing to stop the wave.

“Full impulse.”

“The wave will intercept us in twelve seconds.” Harry’s voice was laced with equal amounts of fear and determination.

“Can we go to warp?” asked Janeway in a low tone, already knowing the answer.

“Not until we clear the plasma field,” answered Lieutenant Stadi at the helm.

“Five seconds.” Ensign Kim was concentrating on his readouts, not daring to look at the screen.

“Brace for impact!” All over the bridge, Janeway saw her crew reach for the nearest handhold. Her first officer, however, leaped for the command deck in a vain attempt to reach his chair. The last image the captain had was of his body hurtling through the air in front of her as the wave slammed into the ship.

*****

As she regained consciousness, Captain Janeway became aware of the sounds and smells of a ship in trouble. Shaking her head, she opened her eyes to find the bridge a shambles of blown circuits, loose wires and sparking panels. Command training kicked in and automatically she demanded reports, then issued orders to seal off the hull breach on deck fourteen, determine their location, assist the injured and start assessing damage. However, when Harry Kim, his voice shaking, informed her that, if his readings were accurate, they had been thrown 70,000 light years across the galaxy, Janeway nearly buckled.

His words left her shocked and dazed. How could that be?! What had happened? And how could they get back? 

Telling herself there must be a way, she hurried to stabilize her ship first, then stood examining the enormous structure displayed on the viewscreen. It was several minutes before she became aware of a small vessel floating nearby, half-hidden by the gigantic framework looming over them. Her breath caught in her throat as she realized she was looking at the Maquis ship, the Liberty, the ship Tuvok was on, the ship commanded by Chakotay.

“Mr. Kim!” she ordered abruptly. “Scan that vessel.”

“I’m not reading any lifesigns, Captain,” replied Harry after a few seconds.

“What about on that…that array?” asked Janeway, trying to keep her mind on the practical – she couldn’t panic, she had to find a way out of here.

“Our sensors won’t penetrate it.”

At that moment, a voice from Engineering hailed the bridge, informing the captain that the chief engineer was dead and the warp core had a microfracture, which meant a breach was imminent. Janeway dashed off the bridge into the turbolift, ordering Lieutenant Carey to secure all systems until she could get there.

In Engineering, she climbed under the railing beside the core, and, despite Carey’s reservations, locked down the magnetic constrictors in order to reduce the reaction rate. For what seemed like an eternity, they waited in hopeful silence. Finally, the pressure in the core began to drop, allowing Janeway to order Carey to unlock the constrictors and begin sealing the microfracture. As she stood up to return to the bridge, she breathed a sigh of relief that finally, something had gone right on this horrific day. She might be 70,000 light years from home, but her ship was still intact and more or less functional. Things were looking up. 

At that moment, a transporter beam seized her and she knew no more.

*****

“Janeway to bridge. Is anyone there?”

Her body tense with worry, the captain waited anxiously for a reply, exhaling in relief when Lieutenant Rollins answered. “Aye, Captain. We’re here.”

Entering the bridge from the turbolift, she continued. “How long were we over on the array?”

“Three days.”

Eyebrows raised in surprise, she started to reply when Rollins interrupted. “Captain, the Maquis ship is powering up its engines.”

Damn! “Tractor them. Senior officers, report to the bridge.”

“Paris to Janeway.”

“Janeway here.”

“Captain, Harry didn’t come back with the rest of us. He must still be over there.”

“Acknowledged. Computer, how many crewmen are unaccounted for?”

“One crewman is missing.”

“Name?”

“Ensign Harry Kim.”

Damn! Damn! Damn!

Closing her eyes to focus, Kathryn knew what her next move had to be. Chakotay was on the Liberty, and like it or not, she was going to have to face him. Ever since she had learned exactly whose ship Tuvok was on, she had worked very hard to convince herself that Chakotay no longer meant anything to her. Despite her efforts, however, now that she had to contact his ship, she couldn’t help feeling a certain nervousness. Reminding herself that she was a Starfleet captain, she stiffened her spine, put up her chin and ordered the officer at ops to hail the Maquis.

The viewscreen switched from the array to the cramped interior of a small ship, and a dark head swinging around to peer at her suspiciously.

“Commander Chakotay,” began Kathryn in her most authoritative tone. “I am Captain Kathryn Janeway.”

There was dead silence as she waited for his response.

On the Liberty, Chakotay stared at his viewscreen as if seeing a ghost. Caught completely off-guard by the sudden appearance of a woman whom he’d never forgotten but never expected to see again, he was rendered speechless for nearly a full minute. His eyes were wide with astonishment, his eyebrows practically in his hair. Swallowing once, then again, he finally found enough voice to answer her. “What do you want?”

It wasn’t the most intelligent reply but his brain was still so stunned by her presence that he was barely able to form a coherent sentence. In any event, it must have made some sense, because she was answering.

“One of my crewmen is missing. Was he sent to your ship by mistake?”

Taking a deep breath to steady his nerves, Chakotay pushed aside his feelings to concentrate on the matter at hand. “No, he wasn’t. One of my crew, B’Elanna Torres, is missing as well.” 

“We seem to have the same problem, Commander. I think it makes sense for us to solve it together, don’t you?”

Silently, Chakotay examined the face of the woman before him, searching for any sign of subterfuge. Finding none, he nodded. “Three of us will transport aboard your ship.” 

Calling Tuvok and Ayala, he led them down the corridor to the transporter platform near Engineering. A moment later, they materialized on Voyager’s bridge, phasers drawn.

“Captain, they’re armed!” came the cry from Rollins, raising his own phaser.  
Even as she leaped between them, Janeway was ordering, “Put down your weapons. There’s no need for them here.” 

Seconds passed before Chakotay glanced at her then turned away, dropping his phaser, nodding to Tuvok and Ayala to follow suit. 

The captain stepped forward, smiling warmly. “It’s good to have you back, Mr. Tuvok.”

Stunned for the second time in five minutes, Chakotay spun around, his eyebrows snapping together in a fierce scowl directed at Tuvok. 

The Vulcan remained quite unperturbed. “I must inform you, sir, that I am Captain Janeway’s chief of security.”

Teeth clenched together in barely controlled fury, Chakotay spat out bitterly, “Were you going to deliver us into their waiting hands…Vulcan?”

His voice never changing, Tuvok might have been uttering a particularly dull report. “My mission was to collect information on the Maquis. And then deliver you into their waiting hands, that is correct.”

Chakotay’s face contorted with anger, which increased when he spotted Tom Paris, standing near the turbolift, waiting to report to the captain. Snarling, he started to step forward to grab Paris and wring his neck, when a small, compact body cut in front of him. Surprised, he looked down to see Kathryn Janeway glaring up at him, her shoulder shoved right into his chest, blocking his way. He let the moment pass as he stared at her, his eyes suddenly full of questions.

With a tight grip on her composure – she had told herself firmly not to look him in the eye – she continued to face him down until he backed off and turned aside. Silently congratulating herself for holding together, she began to issue orders to effect the rescue of Torres and Kim. 

On the upper level of the bridge, Chakotay stood motionless, allowing her to take charge. His mind was in such turmoil that he was finding it very difficult to concentrate on the immediate problem, and his brain only clicked into gear when he heard Kathryn give the order to break out the compression phaser rifles. It occurred to him fleetingly that she was trusting him a lot, even as he reminded himself bitterly that she knew perfectly well he’d never harm her, or let anyone else do so. He glanced around to find her waiting for his assent to her plan.

_‘Pull yourself together, for spirits’ sake,’_ he mentally chastised himself, following her into the turbolift. _‘Find B’Elanna and find a way out of here. Those are the only things that matter. Everything else is irrelevant.’_ But even as the thought flashed through his head, he knew it wasn’t true. He and Kathryn had once been very relevant, and despite all his efforts, he had never been able to put her out of his heart. Like it or not, he loved her still.

*****

In the ensuing turmoil of finding Torres and Kim, rescuing Kes from the Kazon, and eventually destroying the array to prevent the genocide of the Ocampa, Kathryn Janeway had no time to consider her personal situation. Ruthlessly, she pushed aside all feelings and emotion in order to concentrate on the more immediate matter of survival in what had quickly become a very hostile environment. 

However, when Chakotay destroyed his ship to save hers – an act which she suspected he’d done as much for personal reasons as altruistic ones – she recognized the time had come when she would have to talk to him. Like it or not, the Maquis were now her responsibility and it was incumbent on her to establish a working relationship with their captain. 

Mulling over her options in her ready room, she realized her choices were very limited. For all practical purposes, the best solution would be to make Chakotay her first officer. In that position, he would be able to oversee the smooth integration of the Maquis into her Starfleet crew. As well, showing her crew that she trusted him would go a long way towards ensuring their chances of getting home – a crew at loggerheads with one another wouldn’t survive very long all alone out here. On the other hand, she told herself wearily, if he were the XO, she would have to work closely with him, and given their past history, she didn’t honestly know if she could. 

“I have to put all that aside”, she muttered to herself, “for the sake of the crew. Their well-being has to come first. Somehow, I’ll just have to learn to cooperate with him.”

The door chime sounded and when she ordered the door open, Tuvok came in carrying a PADD. 

“Captain, I have the final tallies of our dead and injured, as well as a list of the Maquis. You will need to start thinking about staff replacements.”

Smiling tiredly, she stretched out a hand for the PADD. “I already have.” She scanned the list quickly before dropping it onto her desk. “Tell me, Tuvok, do you want the job of first officer? If not, who do you think it should be?”

The Vulcan didn’t hesitate for a moment. “I believe that Commander Chakotay is a better choice for that position. Not only would naming him integrate the Maquis into the crew much faster, it would demonstrate the level of trust you’re prepared to give them. As well, from my personal observations on the Liberty, I believe that temperamentally, Chakotay is much better suited.” He paused, then asked, “What do you think?”

“I’d pretty much come to the same conclusion, but I wanted to hear it from you. I….” Pausing, she debated whether to explain her reluctance before deciding Tuvok had a right to know. “Chakotay and I have a history, you see, from a time long ago, when we were at the Academy. However…he graduated and…I never heard from him again. Eventually, I assumed he’d just been enjoying a brief fling and I’d taken it a little too seriously. 

“Obviously, I haven’t had a chance to talk to him since we ended up out here. I’ve been trying to examine our situation as objectively as possible, but….” She shrugged, “I didn’t know how successful I was.”

Tuvok stood motionless, analyzing this new information. Kathryn waited patiently, knowing he would be completely honest with her as he always was.

“Unless you think you cannot work with him,” he told her gravely, “I still believe Chakotay is the best choice. However, ultimately, it is your decision.”

Nodding, she smiled her thanks, then took a deep breath and stood up. “Thank you, Tuvok. Bring him in, would you?”

In a few moments, he returned, followed by the Maquis captain. 

Standing behind her desk, Kathryn nodded dismissal at Tuvok, then steeled herself to face Chakotay alone. “Commander,” she began abruptly in her most professional voice, “we need to talk.”

Following her example, he stood feet apart, hands clasped behind his back. “I’m listening,” he replied in a carefully neutral voice.

“I think it’s obvious that in order for us to survive out here, our crews must learn to work together. To achieve that goal, I believe you and I need to set an example of cooperation. Therefore, I’m asking you to become my first officer.”

Chakotay barely managed to keep his jaw from dropping in surprise. From the moment he’d seen Kathryn on the viewscreen of the Liberty, his emotions had been in a state of chaos. Like her, he’d been forced to push aside his feelings in order to deal with their more pressing problems – finding their missing crew, and later, fighting off the Kazon.

When he’d received Tuvok’s message that the captain wished to see him, hope had flared before he reminded himself to be cautious. She had abandoned him many years before – there was no reason to believe she’d had a change of heart now just because they’d come face to face. 

Once again forcing himself to concentrate on the practical, he quickly examined all the ramifications of her offer before coming to the same conclusion. What she said made sense – survival was the first order of business. He would concentrate on that and ignore his feelings just as he had before. Nodding his head, he spoke firmly. “I accept.”

Grateful to have gotten past the first hurdle so easily, Kathryn relaxed, moving around her desk to the replicator. “Coffee, black,” she ordered before glancing at him. “Would you like anything?”

“Tea, please.”

Taking both cups, she placed them on the coffee table and sat down, indicating Chakotay should join her. 

“I’m very relieved that you’ve agreed to be first officer,” she told him, as she sipped from her cup. “I expect, initially, it will be difficult for you, but hopefully, in time, our people will learn to work together and unite to become one crew.”

“I’ll do everything in my power to achieve that goal,” he assured her solemnly, putting his cup on the table.

Smiling gratefully, Kathryn rose to her feet, indicating the interview was over. “Thank you, Commander, I know you will.”

She began to move toward the step, mentally congratulating herself on successfully surviving their first meeting alone, only to have her poise shattered a moment later.

Rising when she did, Chakotay had every intention of walking straight out of the captain’s ready room. However, as he went to follow her, a sudden impulse made him ask the question which had tormented him for over twenty years. “Why didn’t you ever answer my letters?” 

Caught by surprise, she blinked at him. “I never received any. When you didn’t reply to any of my messages, I assumed you’d changed your mind about us.”

Chakotay stared at her in confusion. “Kathryn! I sent nearly a dozen letters to you!”

“I got nothing….” Pausing, she tried to think. “You didn’t get any of mine?”

“No! At first, I didn’t know what to think. I was frantic, trying to figure out if I’d said something, done something…I didn’t know. Eventually, I decided that you must have found someone new.” His voice trailed off wistfully.

“Oh, Chakotay,” she whispered softly, appalled at the implications of what she was hearing. Her hard-earned composure disintegrated before the pain in his eyes and she reached for his hand, squeezing it in commiseration.

It was all the invitation he needed. Tugging her forward, he wrapped his arms tightly around her, dropping his head onto her shoulder. “Spirits, Kathryn, I’ve missed you so much. Sometimes I thought I’d go crazy with loneliness.”

She couldn’t help hugging him back, whispering a reply. “I missed you, too. No matter how hard I tried, somehow I could never quite let go of you. Always, there was the memory of the connection between us.”

Lifting his head, Chakotay searched for her lips, kissing her long and deep, his tongue coaxing her mouth open and slipping inside to taste her. As she instinctively responded, he pressed her even closer.

The sudden chirp of her combadge brought them both back to reality. Tuvok was hailing to alert them that some of the Maquis were expressing increasing concern over the whereabouts of their leader. 

Sighing, Kathryn and Chakotay stepped apart as she replied. “Commander Chakotay will be there shortly. Janeway out.”

Lifting her hand, she gently caressed his cheek. “We can’t go back to what we had, Chakotay, not while I’m in command.”

“I know,” he replied, closing his hand over hers, “but I can’t stop loving you and I never will.”

Her eyes were inexpressibly sad. “Nor will I.”

*****

Rather to her surprise, Kathryn found that the perils of the Delta Quadrant, the constant crises, the never-ending red alerts, were more than enough to keep her thoughts distracted and away from what she couldn’t have. When her crew weren’t fighting off yet another attack by hostile aliens, she was occupied by the constant efforts to repair damaged systems as well as the never-ending hunt for supplies. 

In the first days and weeks after they were thrown into the Delta Quadrant, when they were still trying to find their way towards uniting as one crew, Chakotay’s steady presence and quiet strength did more for her peace of mind than she would have believed possible. It struck her late one evening, when she put aside the PADD she’d been reading, that despite the undeniable bond between them, a bond which had survived years of neglect, she and Chakotay had been almost strangers to one another when they arrived in the Delta Quadrant. Each had known the other only briefly years before, through the glare of intense emotion. Now, she was seeing him in quite different ways – as an experienced Starfleet officer, and gradually, as a friend, a possibility they’d never been able to explore at the Academy. The love she felt for him and he for her was still there, it always would be, but it was muted, subdued by the realities of their situation.

When she thought about it, Kathryn realized she was actually rather relieved they were unable to have a romantic relationship. In the Delta Quadrant, she needed a friend far more than she needed a lover.

As well, Mark’s picture sitting behind her desk was a constant reminder that she had made a commitment in the Alpha Quadrant, and it would behoove her to think long and hard before she abandoned that commitment. Mark would wait for her, that was a given; the question was – would she be able to repress her feelings for Chakotay enough to do the honourable thing and wait for Mark?

*****

A year passed, then most of another. The Kazon, Vidiians, the Trabe, betrayal, lies and deceit, all became part of daily life as Voyager plodded through the vast expanse of the Delta Quadrant. Somehow, they survived each catastrophe, albeit sometimes just barely. There were days when Kathryn nearly gave up, ready to give the order to find a suitable planet where they could land the ship and make a new life. But then, she would walk onto the bridge and feel the crew’s confidence in her as an almost physical sensation, buoying her up, renewing her determination that they would get home. It might take a lifetime, but someday, this ship and its crew would see the Alpha Quadrant again.

Their common goal, as well as the constant trials of daily life, did much to unite the two groups, blurring the divisions between Starfleet and Maquis, until people mostly forgot who had originated where. Occasionally, some incident would happen, jarring awareness, but for the most part, they were becoming one crew, Voyager’s crew.

It was early in 2373, in a region of space bordering the Vidiians’, that an event occurred which touched every single person on the ship, regardless of political affiliation, but which also, unexpectedly, completed the crew’s integration into a single working unit. 

It all began with an insect bite. 

*****

It was such a silly thing to happen, such a minor occurrence that neither Kathryn nor Chakotay were really aware until afterwards that it had happened at all. They were taking a break on a planet bright with sunshine and green with verdant hills, many of which were covered in thick forest with open meadows in the valleys between. An idyllic place which, surprisingly, was quite uninhabited by any sentient species.

Scans indicated the atmosphere was eminently breathable, the vegetation possibly edible, and the general ambience undeniable. Even Tuvok could find no reason not to allow the command team to beam down for an afternoon, ostensibly to search for sources of food, in fact to have a bit of downtime from their never-ending responsibilities aboard ship.

Ambling through a lush field full of wildflowers which was bordered on one side by tall trees and on the other by a clear stream, Kathryn felt as if she were in heaven – or as close to heaven as she’d likely get in the Delta Quadrant. Pausing in her wandering, she closed her eyes to let the heat of the sun soak into her face. 

“Smell the air, Chakotay!” she exclaimed enthusiastically. “Isn’t that scent wonderful?” Sensing his approach, she opened her eyes to find him laughing at her. “What?” she demanded.

“Somehow, I never pictured you as a child of nature,” he teased. 

“Nonsense! I grew up in the country, you know.” She revolved slowly, taking in the natural beauty surrounding them, before adding wistfully, “I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed seeing fields and forests, walking through long grass, and breathing fresh air.”

Still grinning, on impulse Chakotay bent and kissed her nose. “You better be careful or you’ll end up with a sunburn, and you won’t think it’s so wonderful then.”

Making a face at him, Kathryn activated the tricorder she carried and turned her back to scan the area near the river. An unusual plant caught her eye and she bent down to examine its flower more closely. A second later, she jerked back her hand at a sudden prick on her index finger. Rising to her feet, she followed Chakotay toward the river, as she walked rubbing the finger to ease the sting.

“Is it drinkable?” she asked as she came up to where he was crouched on the bank. 

“Seems to be,” he replied, absently massaging the back of his hand. “Actually, I was looking to see if there’s anything in it.”

“You mean like fish?”

Shrugging, he sat back on his heels. “Or anything else.” He glanced up at her with a hint of mischief. “I was thinking of taking a swim. Care to join me?”

“Don’t tempt me,” she sighed. “I’d love to, but I didn’t bring a swimsuit.”

“So?” His voice was light. “I won’t see anything I haven’t seen before.” 

Kathryn wasn’t fooled for an instant – his tone was almost too casual. She gazed longingly at the deep, clear pool before shaking her head. “It would be nice, but I think I better not. However, you go right ahead. I’ll check the area further downstream.”

Sitting back on the grass, he tugged off his boots. “Your choice, but I’m not going to pass up a chance like this.” Removing his jacket, he pulled his shirt over his head, then stood up to unfasten his pants. 

Realizing she was staring, Kathryn hastily turned her back and walked away more quickly than she’d intended. Drat him, anyway, for reminding her of what she didn’t need to remember. Damn! Now she’d have that picture of him in her mind for the rest of the day. He’d done it on purpose, she was sure, sighing as she recalled images of him naked. It might have been over twenty years, but her memories were very clear – she could visualize his body all too easily. 

Her pace slowed as her mind brought up all the emotions she thought she’d successfully buried. Regret and need flowed through her in ceaseless waves. She wanted to turn around and go back to him, be with him in every sense of the word – but she couldn’t. Not now, not ever, unless by some miracle they actually reached the Alpha Quadrant. Maybe not even then. After all, he was a rebel, an outlaw, and now supposedly her prisoner. Who knew what the Federation would do when they got home? If they got home…. Sighing heavily, she acknowledged the other factor holding her back – Mark, no doubt still faithfully awaiting her return. Oh dear….

Tired now, Kathryn abruptly decided she’d had enough. Time to get back to the ship where she could better control her rebellious thoughts and dreams of golden skin. 

Turning, she walked back to where she could see Chakotay’s head in the middle of the river.

“Did you change your mind?” he called out hopefully when he spotted her.

“No. I’m going back to Voyager. I’ll see you later.”

His face fell a bit before he nodded. “All right.”

Smiling a farewell, Kathryn tapped her combadge. “Janeway to Voyager. One to beam up.”

A moment later, she disappeared in the transporter beam.

Treading water, Chakotay watched her vanish, then struck out for the other side of the river. However, he didn’t stay long, soon swimming back to where he’d left his clothes. As he strode out of the water, he heard Tuvok’s voice on his combadge, attached to his discarded jacket.

“…to Commander Chakotay, please come in.”

“Chakotay here,” he replied as he picked up his T-shirt to use as a towel.  
“Commander, please return to the ship at once.” Tuvok sounded as worried as a Vulcan could. “The captain has been taken ill.”

Chakotay froze in the midst of drying himself. “Explain!”

“Within minutes of arriving on the ship, she was complaining of dizziness. By the time she reached the turbolift, she could barely stand. Fortunately, Crewman Hogan was passing by and noticed her distress. He called for an emergency transport; by then she was unconscious. The doctor informed me immediately and I have been trying to reach you ever since. I was about to send a search party.”

While Tuvok delivered his report, Chakotay was scrambling into his clothes.

“I was swimming,” he replied, “I didn’t hear the combadge until just now when I got out of the water.” Snatching up his jacket, he continued. “Beam me up now.”

“Aye, Commander.”

Seconds later, the meadow was empty.

=^= =^= =^= =^= =^= =^=

As soon as Chakotay stepped off the transporter pad, he felt a wave of dizziness pass through him, so intense that he stumbled and would have fallen if Tuvok, who had just arrived, hadn’t caught him. 

Shaking his head, he tried to stand upright but another wave, even stronger than the last, had him reeling again. Strong Vulcan hands kept him on his feet momentarily but when a third wave crashed through his brain, he blacked out completely. 

Supporting the unconscious commander, Tuvok nodded to the transporter officer. “Beam us directly to sickbay.”

They rematerialized into a scene of controlled chaos. 

The doctor was calling out rapid fire orders to Kes and Tom Paris, both of whom were scurrying to obey. On the biobed in front of them lay the captain, without her jacket and turtleneck but still wearing her uniform pants and boots, which apparently no one had had time to remove. A cortical monitor was attached to her forehead while Kes hovered over the cardiostimulator, adjusting the settings.

“Sixty megajoules,” ordered the doctor. 

Kes pressed a panel and the captain’s body shook with the sudden jolt of energy.

There was a hushed silence before Kes announced triumphantly. “I’ve got a pulse, it’s faint but…it’s getting stronger.”

Sighs of relief were heard from several parts of the room before the doctor drowned them out.

“Mr. Paris!” he demanded, barely pausing as he adjusted a hypospray and held it to the captain’s neck. “Is the stasis unit ready?”

“All set, Doc.” Tom moved to the master console, his hand hovering over a pad. “Just give the word.”

“Now!”

Tom’s finger came down firmly on the pad and the captain disappeared. As she did so, Tuvok stepped forward with his burden, catching everyone’s attention.

Kes gasped in horror at the sight of Chakotay’s head lolling forward, his face almost gray. “Doctor!” she exclaimed. “The commander!”

The doctor wasted no time. “Put him down here, Lieutenant,” he ordered, indicating the biobed just vacated by Janeway. “Don’t tell me. He was with the captain.”

“Indeed, Doctor, you are quite correct.”

“Mr. Paris,” ordered the doctor. “Prepare another stasis unit. He has the same symptoms as the captain. I don’t want to waste time trying to revive him; his systems are failing even faster than hers did.”

Tapping his combadge, Tom issued a series of orders to the crewmen in cargo bay one, telling them to ready a second unit, while the doctor tried to stabilize the commander’s vital signs enough that he could be transported. 

“We’re ready, Doc,” he announced after nearly a minute, again moving to the console. Within seconds, Chakotay had disappeared to join his captain.

In sickbay, everyone except the doctor stood around wearily, trying to catch their breath after all the uproar. 

Tuvok eyed the doctor. “Can you tell me why the captain and commander each collapsed as soon as they arrived on board ship?” he demanded without preamble, exhibiting a level of concern rare for a Vulcan.

Slowly, the hologram shook his head. “No, I can’t. As yet, we have very little to go on. They spent less than two hours on a planet which had been thoroughly scanned. I checked the readings myself to be sure there were no toxic agents present anywhere. Apparently, they were fine while on the surface. However, as soon as they returned to the ship, they both went into cardiac arrest. I have stabilized them for the moment, but they can’t stay in stasis indefinitely. I think we should send them back to the planet – they didn’t seem to have any problems there.”

Tuvok’s mouth tightened ever so slightly. “I’ll take it under advisement, Doctor, but before we do anything, we need more information. Did you have time to examine the captain?”

“No, she had already collapsed. I was trying to revive her – I had no time to conduct an examination.”

“I would suggest you do so now, within the limits of the stasis tubes.” He paused briefly, then tapped his combadge. “Tuvok to bridge. Mr. Kim, has everyone on the planet returned to the ship?”

Harry’s voice was puzzled. “Yes, Lieutenant. I recalled them all as soon as you told me to, nearly half an hour ago.”

The doctor answered the unspoken question. “No one else has reported to sickbay for any reason. It would seem only the captain and commander have been affected by…whatever it is.”

Tuvok turned for the door. “I will be on the bridge, Doctor. Report at once as soon as you learn anything.”

“Of course.” The EMH turned away. “Kes, are you monitoring the stasis tubes?”

“Yes, Doctor. I haven’t taken my eyes off the diagnostic panel.”

“All right. Here’s what I want you to do. Go down to cargo bay one and run multilevel scans of Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay. I wish we’d had time to get blood samples….”

“I got a sample of Captain Janeway’s blood, Doc,” spoke up Tom Paris

The doctor swung around in astonishment. “You did? Where is it?”

“Right here.” Tom indicated the medical cart which held various pieces of equipment. 

Wreathed in smiles, the doctor patted him on the shoulder. “Well done, Mr. Paris, there’s hope for you yet.”

“Glad to help.” He sidled towards the door, hoping to escape. “Well, if you don’t need me for anything else, I better go back to my day job.” However, he needn’t have worried. The doctor was already absorbed in analyzing the tube full of the captain’s blood.

*****

Six hours later, Tuvok received a call from sickbay. The doctor had made a diagnosis.

“You see this tiny puncture on the captain’s finger?” asked the EMH, showing him the results of Kes’ scans. “Well, that’s the cause of all the trouble. The commander has a similar one on the back of his hand. They were both bitten by some kind of insect which has infected them with a fatal virus. If we hadn’t gotten them into stasis when we did, they would have been dead in another five minutes.”

“Prognosis, Doctor?” Tuvok went straight to the point.

“Unless I can find an antidote, they’ll die almost as soon as we take them out of stasis or if, for some reason, the tubes malfunction. In the interests of their safety, I would strongly recommend the tubes be transported to the surface of the planet. Based on the fact that they were in perfect health up to the moment of beam-out, it would seem the atmosphere provides some kind of immunity.”

The Vulcan nodded. “A logical assumption, Doctor. I will order their transport at once.”

The EMH wore a determined look. “I will find a cure, Lieutenant, I assure you, and I will stay online until I do.”

“Very good, Doctor. Use whatever resources you need. And keep me informed with reports every twelve hours.”

“Aye, sir.” The doctor headed into the lab as Tuvok left sickbay, tapping his combadge to order the stasis tubes beamed to the planet’s surface.

*****

For seventeen days, the EMH worked nonstop, testing and analyzing and testing again, but it was all for naught. At the end of the seventeenth day, he was forced to report that he had found nothing – no information on the virus and no cure. Whatever had bitten the captain and commander had vanished as mysteriously as it had appeared.

“I’m at my wits’ end,” declared the doctor, his tone frustrated. “I’ve made no progress at all and I don’t know what else to try.” He paced across the lab and back. “Here I am, programmed with references to two thousand medical libraries as well as the expertise of forty-seven renowned physicians, and I can’t find a cure for a simple insect bite!”

Tuvok gazed at him calmly. “Has it occurred to you, Doctor, that, perhaps, there is no cure?”

The doctor’s shoulders slumped in defeat. “Yes, Mr. Tuvok, it has.” 

They both remained silent for several minutes, visualizing what it might be like to live on a planet for the rest of their lives, with only one other person for company.

Shaking his head to clear it, Tuvok straightened. “Wake them, Doctor. I must speak with them.”

*****

Slowly, Kathryn Janeway came awake, a slight buzzing in her ear indicating that she was being roused from stasis. As her eyes adjusted to the light, she realized she was not in sickbay or a cargobay, but on the surface of a planet. Pushing the lid out of her way, she sat up before climbing out of the tube. As she did so, she realized that Chakotay was in another tube beside her and that he was waking up as well.

Kathryn’s questions came thick and fast. “Why are we here? This looks like the same planet we were on just before I blacked out. Do you know what happened? Why were we put in stasis?” 

Chakotay shook his head to clear it, but before he could try to answer, her combadge chirped. 

“Tuvok to Janeway.”

“Janeway here. What the hell is going on?!”

In terse sentences, Tuvok explained the situation, finishing with three possibilities. “Either we take you back aboard the ship, which would mean remaining in stasis indefinitely while the doctor searches for a cure, or you and the commander stay on the planet and make a home there. The only other alternative I can think of is to contact the Vidiians to see if they have a cure.”

Janeway shook her head. “No, Tuvok, we can’t ask you to do that. I won’t endanger the ship and crew merely for our convenience. And I don’t think either of us wants to exist in suspended animation.” She glanced at Chakotay as she spoke to see him nodding in agreement.

Taking a deep breath, she continued. “I’m turning over command of the ship to you on a permanent basis. Get them home, Tuvok, that’s all I ask. And on no account are you to contact the Vidiians.”

There was a slight pause before Tuvok answered. “I understand, Captain. We will remain in orbit as long as necessary in order to furnish you with everything you’ll need. I will contact you as soon as we’re ready to start beaming down equipment. Tuvok out.”

Silence reigned as each tried to adjust to the probability – no, the certainty, Kathryn told herself – that they would never set foot off this planet again. Turning her head, she stared vacantly at the nearby hills. Such a beautiful prison. Despite herself, two tears trailed slowly down her cheeks and all she could think was that her decision to destroy the Caretaker’s array all those months ago had condemned her to never see her family or home again. 

Beside her, Chakotay stood stunned, rooted to the ground, his feelings chaotic. Long ago, he’d lost everyone he held dear in the Alpha Quadrant; whether he ever saw it again mattered very little. His companions on Voyager, however, were a different matter, in particular, B’Elanna. He felt his heart twist with anguish at the thought that she would be gone out of his life for good. During all the years in the Maquis, in the midst of misery and despair, B’Elanna had been the one good thing that had happened to him. He treasured her rare smiles, her teasing, even her angry growls. Steadfast and loyal, she had stood by him through everything the galaxy had thrown at him, always there, ready to support him. He was going to find it very difficult to let her go.

Raising his head, he turned to look at Kathryn and immediately forgot his own sorrow when he saw her wet face. 

“Hey,” he murmured, “don’t cry, sweetheart. It’ll be all right.” He slid an arm around her shoulders as he spoke, his other hand stroking her cheek with the back of his fingers.

Automatically, she started to pull away, then slumped against him as she realized that command protocols no longer mattered. Her head drooped against his shoulder as he wrapped his arms around her, rubbing her back as he muttered soothingly in her ear.

For several minutes, they remained motionless, giving and receiving comfort, before Kathryn loosened her grasp around his waist and stepped back. 

Trying to smile, she apologized. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me. I hate soppy females.”

Chakotay smiled down at her. “Under the circumstances, I think you’re entitled to a few tears. Besides, who else besides me is going to know? You don’t have to maintain a façade anymore, Kathryn.”

His words, spoken in a soothing tone, nevertheless hit her with all the force of a sledgehammer. If she didn’t have a ship to command, she wasn’t a captain. And if she wasn’t a captain – then, who was she? Gazing up at him in shock, her mouth hung open as she tried in vain to articulate her feelings. 

“Kathryn?” murmured Chakotay. “What is it?”

“I, uh, I…don’t know.” Again, she failed to find the words she needed. 

Concerned at her suddenly vacant expression, he gripped her shoulders, shaking her slightly. “Come on, Kathryn, talk to me. Tell me your thoughts.”

Feeling rather like a rag doll as she stood between his hands, she forced her mind to concentrate. “I…don’t know who I am anymore, Chakotay. I’ve been a Starfleet officer all my adult life. It’s all I’ve ever known. Now….” Her voice trailed off as uncertainty filled her face.

His grip tightened, making her focus on him. “I’ll tell you who you are. You’re Kathryn Janeway, you’re an honourable woman who faces every problem, every difficulty with courage and determination. And more than a little stubbornness. And you never, _ever_ , let circumstances get you down.

“I know we’ve been thrown a curve ball, Kathryn, but we can deal with it, just as we’ve dealt with everything else in the Delta Quadrant. So, we didn’t plan on making a home here – it doesn’t mean to say we shouldn’t try. Together, we can do anything.”

“We can’t leave,” she whispered.

“Well,” he amended, smiling, “almost anything. Look on the bright side. We’re alive, strong and healthy, and we have each other. This is a beautiful place with lots of resources. I think we can make a good life here.”

Her eyes fell to the ground. “Oh, Chakotay, I wish I could believe that.”

“Have I ever lied to you?” he demanded abruptly.

She looked back up at him, her mouth starting to curve up at the corners. “No.”

He relaxed slightly when he saw her slight smile. “Well, I’m not lying to you now.” He bent and kissed her forehead lightly, then stepped back and reached for her hand. “Come on. While we’re waiting for Tuvok, let’s explore. We need to find the best site for our house.”

Tugging on her hand, he led her up a gentle slope towards scattered trees. “Now, what do you think about up here? It’s got a nice view….”

*****

Hours later, after Tuvok had transported down every piece of equipment they might possibly need including a type 9 shuttle, they had put together a standard Starfleet shelter and were presently engaged in assembling various pieces of furniture. Containers of all shapes and sizes, some open, others still sealed, were scattered around the shelter in disarray. 

As the sun dropped lower in the sky, Kathryn stepped outside, pushing back her hair which had come loose. A slight breeze blew across her heated face, cooling and refreshing her. She was tired beyond belief, but the hardest work was finished. They had shelter, beds and a table with chairs. She had just finished setting up the replicator; as soon as Chakotay powered up the generator, she could have a cup of coffee. At this point, she was too exhausted to think beyond that.

“Kathryn,” called Chakotay from inside. “The generator’s working – we’re in business. What do you want for dinner?”

“Just coffee,” she replied wearily. “I’m not hungry.”

Chakotay stepped outside. “You need to eat something. You’ll feel better, I promise.”

Scowling, she turned away, plopping down on a nearby log. “Don’t nag me, Chakotay,” she snapped irritably. “I’m too tired to eat. All I want is a cup of coffee.”

He stared at her, frowning, before returning to the shelter. A few minutes later, he came out with a steaming cup in his hand, proffering it to her. “Here you are.”

Taking the cup, she sipped slowly, letting the caffeine work its magic, revitalizing her. “Thank you, that tastes wonderful.” 

Returning to the shelter, Chakotay busied himself putting together a light meal which he hoped would tempt her. The last two years on Voyager had taught him a lot about Kathryn Janeway, including the fact that, if allowed, she would live on coffee. He considered it part of his job to make sure she ingested other food groups on a regular basis.

When he stepped outside again, he carried a tray with two large bowls of thick soup and a plate of warm cornbread. Without saying a word, he set the tray on the ground, then rooted around in one of the containers for a blanket. Spreading it on the ground, he placed the tray in the middle and settled down beside it. 

After a minute, Kathryn moved to join him. “I’m sorry I snapped at you,” she apologized sheepishly. “I was tired but that’s no excuse for my bad temper.”

Chakotay graced her with a warm smile, before picking up a bowl. “Help yourself,” he told her as he raised his spoon.

In an effort to atone for her bad manners, she followed suit, soon discovering that the soup was just what she needed. Before she knew it, she’d finished the bowl and was polishing off a second piece of cornbread. Smiling at him gratefully, she picked up her coffee. “That was delicious. I hadn’t realized how hungry I was.”

“I’m glad you enjoyed it.” As he spoke, Chakotay got to his feet. “I’m getting some tea. Do you want me to refill your cup?”

“Please.” She held it out to him, then leaned back on her hands, enjoying the sight of the sun setting behind a large hill in the distance as well as the sounds of birds and small animals in the woods behind them. Her tired brain had long ago shut down all speculation on the greater implications of their exile and was focused solely on the present. For once, she would follow Chakotay’s unspoken suggestion and let the future take care of itself. 

That thought made her chuckle softly, a sound that cheered Chakotay immensely when he came back to her side, handing her the refilled cup. “I’m glad to know you’re feeling better,” he told her.

She rolled her eyes. “I’m not sure it’s a case of feeling better so much as being so utterly exhausted that my brain refuses to think about anything further than five minutes into the future.”

“Well, at least one part of your body shows some common sense.”

“Thanks – I think.” Sipping her coffee, she continued after a moment. “Actually, I guess I’m trying to take a page out of your book. Live one day at a time.”

For a moment, he didn’t respond before replying. “That’s not exactly how it goes, you know. It’s not so much living for the present, as accepting what you’re given and making the best of it, rather than fighting for what you can’t have anyway. That just wastes energy which could be put to much better use.”

“You mean accentuate the positive and ignore the negative?” Their discussion, begun on a light note, was becoming serious.

“Hmm, not exactly ‘ignore’ so much as ‘accept’ and take what you can from it. Do you understand the difference?”

Kathryn wrinkled her nose. “I think so. It’s not something I’d ever considered, I must admit.”

“No, I’m well aware of that.” His tone bordered on sarcasm.

Deciding she’d had enough philosophical discussion for one day, Kathryn gulped down her coffee and rose to her feet. “Well, I better go sort out my bed so I’ll have somewhere comfortable to sleep tonight. Are you coming in?”

“In a few minutes. I want to enjoy the evening a bit longer. It’s been a long time since I’ve watched a sunset.”

Nodding, Kathryn turned and disappeared through the door. There would be lots of sunsets, a whole lifetime’s worth.

*****

In the days that followed, Kathryn and Chakotay began adjusting to their enforced isolation and adapting to their new life. 

Voyager remained in orbit until Tuvok was sure that the ship could be of no further service. Although for the most part, the crew was resigned to leaving, hearts were heavy as the moment approached. When Kathryn gave her farewell speech, quite a few crewmembers found it necessary to rub briskly at their eyes. However, Tuvok believed there was no point in delaying the inevitable. They had done all they could and it was time to go. Without further ado, he gave the order for departure and the ship broke orbit.

Set once more on a course for the Alpha Quadrant, he hailed the exiles. “Tuvok to Janeway.”

Kathryn was setting up her protein analyzer when the call came. “Janeway here.” 

“Captain, we have broken orbit and are on a heading for the Alpha Quadrant. However, we will remain in comm range for approximately thirty-six hours. If you need us to return for any reason, please contact us immediately. I will hail you again before we move out of range.”

“Thank you, Tuvok. Chakotay and I can’t thank you and the crew enough for all that you’ve done for us. I know this time has been difficult for everyone, but you’re the best crew any captain could ever hope to have and I know you’ll do fine. Safe journey. You will be in our thoughts.”

“As you will be in ours. Tuvok out.”

Moving outside, Kathryn stared up into the blue sky, knowing she couldn’t actually see her ship but needing to make the gesture anyway. She heard a step and turned to find Chakotay at her shoulder, his face solemn.

“Are they gone?” he asked, his voice very soft.

“Yes. They’ll be in comm range for another day or so, but they’ve broken orbit. They’re on their way home.” Her voice broke on the last word and she buried her face in her hands, fighting back a sob of despair.

At once, he dropped his tools to grasp her shoulders and pull her into his embrace. “Go ahead and cry, Kathryn, you have every right to be upset. Let out all your sorrow and anguish, you’ll feel better for it.”

But she didn’t. Instead, lifting her damp face, she gazed intently into his eyes, her voice getting angrier with every sentence. “Doesn’t it bother you, Chakotay? Aren’t you upset that you’ll never see your friends again? That we’re stuck here on this damned planet for the rest of our lives? Does it not matter to you at all?!”

Abruptly, he dropped his arms. “Of course, it matters! I’ll miss them all dreadfully. Every day. But whatever I do will make no difference. They have to go and we have to stay.” His voice softened. “And as much as I care about them, I care about you more. I’ll be truthful with you; I would be far more unhappy if you weren’t here with me.” 

His body relaxed its rigid stance as he realized the time had come for complete honesty. “I haven’t stopped loving you, Kathryn, and I never will. You can make of it what you want, but it will always be there, colouring everything we do. You became a part of my soul a long time ago and even though we were separated for many years, the bond between us has never broken. As long as I can be with you, I’m happy. It’s that simple.”

His eyes bore intently into hers, his expression open, letting her see every emotion. Kathryn stared back, witnessing the truth of his words on his face. The muscles in her body eased as her sudden anger drained away. “I’m sorry for what I said…it was uncalled for and quite unfair.”

Reaching for her again, he gripped her shoulders firmly. “You don’t need to apologize, I understand. But I want you to understand something, too. I’m here for you in whatever way you need. If you only need a friend, then a friend is what you’ll have. If you want something more, that’s fine by me. Your needs come first.”

“That’s…incredibly unselfish…I don’t know what to say. I…you’re putting me in a difficult position, you know.”

“I don’t mean to, not at all. More than anything else, I want you to be content with our life here, and I will do whatever is necessary to ensure that. Okay?”

She nodded slowly. “Okay.” 

But for the rest of the day and long into the night, as her mind jumped back and forth from their situation on the planet to following Voyager through the stars, she wasn’t so sure. Despite his protestations, Chakotay _had_ placed a heavy burden on her shoulders. In order to ensure his well-being, she had to pretend to a happiness she didn’t necessarily feel. 

As the hours passed, her concern turned to anger at him for putting her in this position and then to guilt for becoming angry with him when he was only trying to help. By early dawn of the following morning, she was exhausted from lack of sleep and ready to do something rash to vent her frustration.

What she did was power up the shuttle and go for a joyride in space.

Once clear of the atmosphere, she set the controls for a synchronous orbit around the planet, then sat back to contemplate her future. Although she knew she was taking a chance, she was assuming that since the shuttle’s air had come from the planet, she should still be protected from the virus’ effects. At this point, she didn’t really care. The need to be in familiar surroundings outweighed the chances of becoming ill. 

Sitting in the pilot’s seat surrounded by the blackness of space did more to clear her mind than anything else she’d tried. Here, with the silence broken only by the familiar hum of thrusters, she could finally discern her way and accept the inevitable. 

Through happenstance, her life had been irrevocably changed. All other considerations – her ship and crew, her family, Mark – had to be discarded. She was never going to see any of them again; somehow, she had to find a way to live with that fact.

From there, moving forward, she would have to start a new life….with Chakotay. Her face broke into a slight smile – it wasn’t really such a dreadful prospect, now that she could examine it without distraction. She loved him, he loved her. So, what was the problem? Why was she fighting so hard against everything he tried to do for her? 

“I can’t just let go that easily,” she muttered to the console, then activated the recording log. _“Captain’s – no, Kathryn’s – personal log. Stardate 49695. Chakotay and I have been marooned on this unnamed planet for five days. My emotions over this period of time have been mixed, to say the least. It is only now, when I’ve returned to a place that feels more like home than anywhere else, that I can start to sort out my feelings._

_“Home. Such a short word that contains so much. For nearly two years, I’ve tried with everything in my being to get my crew home to the Alpha Quadrant, and now they are continuing the journey without me. I feel abandoned, lost, and yet…I must admit to also feeling a certain freedom, as if a great weight has been lifted from me. A weight I had grown so accustomed to, I had forgotten what it was like not to carry it._

_“Now my home is down there on that planet. I wish I could be as flexible as Chakotay in accepting our changed circumstances. I suppose his life has been so uncertain, so full of ups and downs, that he has learned to adapt easily. I, on the other hand, like to be in control at all times, able to manipulate circumstances to my advantage. Well, I guess a little bug out-manipulated me because, like it or not, here I am. And here I’m going to stay. End log.”_

As she finished recording, Kathryn felt a slight dizziness pass through her and recognized she better return to the planet at once. She had been in orbit for over half an hour – apparently, that was as long as she’d be able to manage off the planet.

Activating the impulse engine, she heeled the shuttle over and began her descent. By the time she landed in the meadow near the shelter, her head was pounding and she was finding it hard to breathe. Quickly, she opened the hatch, then sat still until the headache eased and her lungs were working properly again. As she got to her feet, a shadow darkened the hatch. Looking up, she discovered Chakotay standing in the entrance, his face dark with fury. Before she could even open her mouth, he was advancing inside, angrier than she had ever seen him. 

“Just what the hell did you think you were doing?!” he thundered. “Do you have any idea how risky your little stunt was? You’re damn lucky you didn’t pass out and crash! God knows I’ve tried to be patient, Kathryn, but you have crossed the line. Now get to the shelter and let me check you over.”

His tone automatically raised her hackles. In a low voice vibrating with fury, she snarled back. “Who do you think you are, telling me what to do? If I want to risk my life, mister, I damn well will! What I do –” 

“Kathryn, shut up!!” 

“The hell I will!!”

Without saying a word, he stepped close, seized her shoulders and picked her up, throwing her over his shoulder before striding out of the shuttle and up the hillside. 

In vain, Kathryn pounded his back with her fists and tried to kick his chest with her heels, yelling like a banshee for him to let her go. Chakotay gripped her legs tightly in fists of iron, not easing his grip until he reached the shelter, where he tossed her onto her bed.

“Stay put!” he ordered as he disappeared briefly, returning with a medkit. Activating the medical tricorder, he scanned her thoroughly from head to toe before collapsing onto the floor, his hands propped on bent knees, his head hanging between them. 

Kathryn opened her mouth to continue to berate him, then shut it again as she observed his exhausted state. The thought crossed her mind that he had every right to be angry – she had behaved very foolishly, risking not only her life, but the shuttle, which was the only transportation they had. 

As he continued to sit, leaning against the wall, she eased off the bed to kneel in front of him. Her hand came out to touch his chin, lifting it so she could see his eyes, where fear and horror were still very evident.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I wasn’t thinking. I needed to find somewhere familiar and space was the only place I could think of. I realize now that I behaved very stupidly.”

His face relaxed slightly as he covered her fingers with his own. “When I woke up and couldn’t find you anywhere, then discovered the shuttle was gone! My god, Kathryn, I have never, ever, known such utter terror! I lay on the ground screaming, begging the spirits, anyone, to bring you back to me. Please, don’t ever do that again. Go if you must, but please tell me beforehand. I…can’t go through that again.” His voice broke on the final words and he covered his face, shoulders shaking as belated shock set in. 

Reflexively, Kathryn reached for him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders, pulling him against her body for comfort. “It’s all right, love,” she whispered, hardly aware of what she was saying, wanting only to soothe him. “I’m here and I’m fine. Ssh, hang on to me, it’s all right.”

His arms came up to embrace her tightly, sliding her onto his lap before he buried his face in her neck. She could feel the dampness of hot tears wet her skin and realized how very upset he still was. Filled with remorse, she stroked his hair and rubbed the back of his neck, whispering softly to him as she did so. 

They sat still for uncounted minutes until eventually Chakotay raised his head to look up at her. No words were necessary to tell her what he needed. Without hesitation, she bent to softly kiss his wet cheeks before sliding her mouth down to his. Very gently, she caressed his lips, letting her tongue brush over them, tasting them.

He remained unmoving for a moment longer before his arms tightened around her and he took over the kiss. His tongue darted out to meet hers, twisting around before pushing gently into her mouth. The pressure of his lips increased as he became aroused, making no effort to restrain his passion. Moaning softly, he finally had to pull away for lack of air.

Panting heavily, they gazed at each other, knowing they were at a crossroads. 

“I want you, Kathryn,” Chakotay growled. “If you don’t want to do this, say so now, because in another minute, I won’t be able to stop.”

She gazed at him almost speculatively, her eyes sweeping across his face. “It’s time,” she finally spoke cryptically, then reached for his head, pulling him to her once more as she kissed him long and hard. Getting to her feet, she moved to stretch out on the bed.

Kicking off his boots, he climbed onto it beside her, enfolding her in his embrace and settling her head on his shoulder. “You feel so good, Kathryn, just the way I remember. For so long, I’ve wished I’d never taken that posting on the Merrimac. I was a fool to put a career before the best thing that ever happened to me.”

Stirring in his arms, she turned her head enough to look at him. “I never blamed you, Chakotay. We were so young then, with most of our lives still ahead of us.” She paused, as old memories stole through her. “It seemed like we had forever….”

Pulling her a little closer, he angled his head to kiss her gently. “I know, but still…I remember wondering as I boarded the transport if I was making the biggest mistake of my life, and I know now that I did. It’s something I’ve regretted ever since.” 

Rolling to face her, he looked intently into her eyes. “But now, Kathryn, we have a second chance. Here there’s no protocol, no rules, nothing but us. Here we can love each other freely, with no inhibitions.”

Caught by the intensity of his gaze and the emotions washing over his face, she couldn’t look away. “You’re right”, she replied thoughtfully. “Here we can do whatever we wish.” Her mouth began to curve into a smile. “That’s a very liberating thought, isn’t it?” 

“Yes, ma’am, it certainly is.”

*****

In the days and weeks that followed, Kathryn and Chakotay fell ever more deeply in love. But unlike the wild frenzy of passion they experienced after Kathryn’s joyride, now they were often content to simply be together. Every once in a while, he would look up from his latest project to watch her working industriously in the garden or sitting over her computer cataloguing the planet’s flora and fauna. Busy with a dozen different projects to improve their lives, they could spend hours without exchanging a word, yet never losing the connection between them. 

More than once, they told each other how lucky they were to be stranded together. They still missed Voyager and their crewmates – they always would – but the daily rhythm of their lives was taking most of their attention now. However, occasionally when the night sky was clear, they would climb up to the top of the hill behind the shelter to stare at the stars.

Kathryn always became very silent on those nights, her thoughts clearly with her ship. Chakotay would stand behind her, enveloping her in his arms but saying nothing until, with a mighty sigh, she would turn to him and bury her face in his chest. He would hug her tightly, letting the heat of his body suffuse her and drive out the loneliness and regret. Then she would take his hand and, still in silence, they would walk back to the shelter. Usually, by the time they got there, she had regained her equilibrium, but twice, she simply kissed him goodnight and went to bed alone. On each occasion, he stayed up for a while, giving her time to herself before joining her. Then he lay beside her, waiting until she turned to him, not pushing her but making sure she knew he was there for her. 

For the most part, though, they settled into an easy rhythm, their days a mix of work and pleasure. By the end of three months, Voyager was no longer in the forefront of their minds and it had begun to feel as if they had always lived like this.

*****

It was another ordinary, late summer morning, Kathryn would recall later, when their lives were turned upside down once again.

With a mug of coffee close to hand, she had been carefully weeding her Talaxian tomatoes, started from seed given to her by Neelix. Chakotay had come out of the shelter to ask her opinion about an idea he’d had. They had just stepped inside – she was still cleaning her hands as she admired his design for a boat – when the faint crackle of static drove every other thought from their heads.

“Voy…ger to Jane….”

Kathryn stared in astonishment, then turned to Chakotay. “Did you hear something?” she asked.

His startled expression told her he had. Moving to fetch their combadges from a high shelf, he laid them on the table, an enigmatic look crossing his face.

“Voyager to Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay. Come in, please.” Tuvok’s even tones echoed through the shelter.

Her hands shaking, she picked up her combadge as if she feared it might break. “This is Janeway,” she managed to get out through the sudden lump in her throat.

“Captain, it is good to hear your voice. We have news.”

“What is it?” Her voice was tremulous.

“We have medicine which we believe will cure your condition. We will be in orbit in approximately thirty hours. I will contact you when we arrive. Voyager out.”

Shocked and stunned, the pair in the shelter stared at each other speechless, unable to comprehend what they’d just heard. And then Chakotay’s face contorted with sudden pain and he bolted outside, running into the woods. Seconds later, Kathryn heard him howl in anguish, a sound which drove her to her knees, arms folded around herself. Oh god! What were they going to do?

_‘I can’t go back,’_ she told herself, _‘I can’t give him up. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t!’_ But all the protestations in the universe wouldn’t change the fact that Voyager was coming back for them and she would have to resume her mantle of starship captain with all the restrictions that position entailed. 

Hot tears poured down her face as she huddled on the floor, her mind a black pit of despair. How long she knelt there she didn’t know, but from the ache in her knees it was some considerable time. She only returned to the present when a pair of strong hands settled on her shoulders and she lifted her head to gaze at Chakotay, kneeling beside her. His face was calm although she could see signs of misery lingering in his eyes. 

Without a word, she threw her arms around his neck, bowling him over so they collapsed in a heap on the floor. Her hands reached up to cup his face as she stared deep into his eyes. “Chakotay, I love you. Just because we won’t be able to be together like this doesn’t mean I’ll forget. And on the day we get home, and we will, I promise you we’ll be together for the rest of our lives. Whatever I have to do to make that happen, I will do, even if it means joining you in a prison cell.”

His eyes filled with all the love and devotion that he had to give. “No man can ask for more commitment than that. It won’t be easy going back but we’ll do it. I love you so much, Kathryn. Whatever we have to do to get us home, we’ll do. And I’m going to hold you to that promise. Someday, Kathryn Janeway, we will be free, someday….”

His words trailed off as he covered her mouth with his own, tasting her, inhaling her scent, trying to imprint in his brain as many memories as he could to sustain him for the long, lonely nights ahead. 

_‘Someday,’_ the word whispered in her head, as she responded fervently to his kiss.


	4. Part 4:  Delta Quadrant II

**2373 – 2376**

Years later, when he reflected on their journey through the Delta Quadrant, Chakotay would often find himself recalling the low points – the periods when his relationship with Kathryn was in serious danger of disintegrating completely – much more clearly than the good times. Why that was so he didn’t know, but it certainly seemed to hold true. 

Although the days and weeks after their return to Voyager from New Earth certainly counted as one of the bad times, it wasn’t the worst, simply because they were still able to communicate openly with each other. They were both miserable, but at least they could be miserable together. And gradually, they were able to redefine their relationship once more, from romantic to platonic, deepening their friendship to the point where each could practically read the other’s thoughts. In many ways, they had already fulfilled Chakotay’s words from their youth, when he first declared them soul mates. They might not be joined physically but they were certainly mated in every other respect. 

It was during that year, around the time he and Kathryn had finally settled into their friendship, that he nearly lost her. On a small, nameless moon, Kathryn Janeway came as close to death as a person can and still survive the experience. For the rest of his life, Chakotay would never forget the utter terror that clutched his heart as he realized his frantic efforts to revive her were useless, that she was dying and he could do nothing to stop it. Again and again, his voice ragged with fear, he screamed at her to keep breathing, that she couldn’t leave him. The pain that ripped through his chest at the moment her heart stopped beating was worse than any he’d ever felt before. As he held her pressed tightly to him, sobbing her name, his heart shattered and he wanted to die as well. What was the point of living when she wasn’t there? His existence was inextricably bound with hers and he didn’t know if he could survive without her.

After the doctor revived her and they were able to return to the ship, Chakotay immediately retreated to his quarters. His emotions had been on such a rollercoaster that by then, he was mostly numb with shock, unable to feel anything but an overwhelming need to speak to his spirit guide. It was only after hours of meditation followed by a good night’s sleep, that he was able to put the entire experience into perspective and regain his emotional equilibrium. 

Feeling more comfortable himself, he impulsively replicated a peace rose, then headed in search of Kathryn to give it to her. When he discovered that, despite the doctor’s orders to rest, she was working in her ready room, he wasn’t really surprised. That was pure Kathryn, using work as a way of dealing with her emotions; time and again on this journey, he’d seen her do the same thing. Hoping to find some way to coax her into talking about her experience, he headed for deck one, rose in hand.

Perhaps it was an attempt to distract him from trying to draw her out – he didn’t know and most likely never would – but on the spur of the moment, she suggested a moonlight sail on the holodeck. He was delighted, thinking that maybe she would be more willing to discuss her feelings in a relaxed setting, but it didn’t happen. Instead, they ended up going over ship’s business for almost the entire two hours. By the time they left the holodeck, they had figured out a maintenance schedule for engineering for the next few months, had reorganized stellar cartography as well as the science lab, and reworked the duty roster, but not once had Kathryn mentioned her recent experience. 

Unwilling to force the issue more than he already had, Chakotay allowed her to set the tone of their conversation, although in hindsight, he wondered if that had been a mistake. She could be incredibly stubborn, as he knew only too well, but so could he, if he had to be. Should he have brought up the subject of her feelings? Despite knowing her so well, he had no idea. The bottom line was that if she didn’t want to talk, he couldn’t force her without possibly damaging their relationship and that was something Chakotay wouldn’t risk. In the end, he let it go, and Kathryn kept her own counsel. 

*****

The weeks rolled by, ship’s crises came and went, but for the most part, their lives settled once more onto an even keel. Only later did the crew realize they had been experiencing the calm before the storm, which in their case, manifested itself as the Borg.

*****

Stardate 50984.3 – the day their lives changed forever, the day that began the sequence of events leading to division and discord in the command team. The day they met the Borg.

It began innocently enough – a long-range probe that Voyager had launched two months earlier suddenly stopped sending back data. However, an engineering team was able to retrieve the last few seconds of transmission. What they saw made their blood run cold. 

The first image was of a Borg cube, which soon changed to the inside of the cube – apparently, the probe had been tractored in for examination. Finally, a drone appeared, moving close to the probe, obviously preparing to begin analysis. 

“Get the captain,” was Chakotay’s quiet order, in an unnaturally calm voice. 

“This is it,” he told her, when she hurriedly arrived in response to his urgent message. “Borg space.”

At a hastily convened staff meeting, Janeway was blunt. “Our course leads us directly into the heart of Borg space. It’s vast, there’s no going around it. But…there may be a way through it.” Bringing up a star chart, she indicated an irregular passage. “This region here, which we’re calling the Northwest Passage, is clear of Borg cubes. It’s full of quantum singularities, sudden gravitational shifts, and subspace potholes, in short, a very difficult area to navigate. But it’s our best chance, our only chance really, to get across Borg territory unscathed.” She glanced around before her eyes came to rest on Chakotay sitting beside her. “Any questions or comments?”

Rising to his feet, Tom Paris moved to examine the sensor readings more closely, before nodding his head. “It won’t be easy, but with a little luck, we should be able to find a way through.” His face broke into his usual, irrepressible grin. “Should be fun. I’ll be able to really put this ship through its paces.”

Janeway nodded, then began a systematic poll of each staff member in turn. One by one, they examined various possibilities, each contributing a suggestion on how to cope with the new threat. By the end, everyone was feeling confident that while the coming confrontation would be difficult, it wouldn’t be impossible to win. “I have faith in all of you and your people,” declared Janeway earnestly. “Now…let’s do it.”

Very quickly, the ship became a hive of activity as supplies and energy were stockpiled, and every system was checked and checked again to make sure each was in perfect working order. 

And none too soon, as they had yet to finish the final upgrades when fifteen cubes suddenly descended on them from a transwarp corridor. Voyager was tossed about like a toy boat in a bathtub as the huge ships raced past, only one pausing to scan them briefly before hurrying to join the rest. As the ship bounced up and down in the wake of the cubes, the crew stared at each other, at a loss to understand what was happening.

Never one to look a gift horse in the mouth, Janeway finally shrugged and ordered Tom to maintain course, before handing over command to Chakotay. “I’ll be in my ready room,” she announced as she headed to the door.

Nodding, Chakotay watched her go before settling back into his seat, his eyes fixed on the viewscreen.

*****

Several hours later, long after the end of Alpha shift, the captain was brought out of her study of the Borg by the persistent ringing of her door chime. Shaking her head to clear it, she ordered the door open, not surprised to see her first officer standing on the other side.

He wasted no time getting to the point. “You’ve been in here for hours, Kathryn, come and have some dinner.”

But her eyes were already focusing once more on the data displayed on the terminal. “No thanks. I’ve got a lot of work to do.”

For a moment, Chakotay hesitated, debating whether to argue the point. However, he had learned to pick his battles where Kathryn was concerned, and this wasn’t one of them. He would give her another hour, and if she were still cooped up in here, then he would come and roust her out. He was turning away when her voice stopped him; although unwilling to leave, apparently, she was in the mood to talk.

“I’ve been reading everything I can on the Borg,” she explained, “Picard, Amisov, whatever I can find.” She began to quote both captains as Chakotay started to smile. His quiet chuckle caught her attention and she stopped in mid-sentence to glare at him. “What?”

“You’re sounding just like them when you read from their logs,” he explained, grinning.

“I do not!”

“Yes, you do. Each time, you’re using their inflections.”

“Really?” Kathryn’s mouth curved slightly in her characteristic half-smile, as she looked to him for confirmation. Shaking her head at her own quirks, she rose to her feet, moving to stand in front of the viewport. For a moment, she stared silently at the stars, before turning to face Chakotay who had followed her. “This day was inevitable, wasn’t it? Sooner or later, we were going to meet an enemy too strong, too formidable for us to take on. What do we do, Chakotay? Turn around? Try to find some nice, safe planet and never get home?”

“The crew would understand, Kathryn, if that’s what you decided.”

Sighing, she let her head drop forward, almost touching his chest. “I feel so alone, so lost. How do I tell them we’ve reached the end of our journey, that we’re never going to see the Alpha Quadrant again?”

Gently, he gripped her shoulders, drawing her into his embrace. “You’re not alone, Kathryn,” he murmured softly, as he stroked her back. “Whatever comes, we’ll face it together.”

For a long moment, she let herself rest against him, drawing on his strength, letting him support her until she could stand by herself once more. As she reluctantly moved away, she smiled at him, reaching up to tenderly caress his face. “I don’t know what I’d do without you here beside me, if I didn’t have your love and strength to hold me together.”

Dropping his head, he kissed her lightly. “I’ll always be here, Kathryn.”

For a few delicious seconds, she returned the kiss, before stepping back once more. As she did, her combadge chirped.

“Kim to Janeway.”

“Janeway here.”

“Captain, there’s something on scanners I think you’ll want to see.”

“On my way.”

*****

Hours later, Kathryn stood once more in her darkened ready room, pondering what to do. A species more powerful than the Borg! It didn’t seem possible and yet the evidence had been incontrovertible. The wrecked remains of the fifteen cubes which had hastened past them earlier in the day drifted outside her viewport.

Species 8472 – telepathic, capable of unleashing unimaginable destructive energy which could incinerate entire planets in seconds. Kes was in communication with them, in a manner of speaking, although their only pronouncement so far had been chilling. “The weak shall perish.” 

As for the Northwest Passage, they had discovered there was a very good reason why the Borg were avoiding it – the quantum singularities there were actually conduits from the realm of Species 8472. Face the Borg or face Species 8472 – neither was a viable option. Her only other choice was to turn around and hightail it out of Borg space as fast as her ship could go. And yet – there had to be another alternative, she was sure of it. 

Cudgeling her tired brain, Kathryn tried to find a solution to her dilemma, but without success. Finally, she decided Chakotay was right; maybe she should go to bed, although she knew she wouldn’t sleep. Suddenly she remembered her da Vinci holoprogram. Well, why not? Perhaps a little fifteenth-century logic would shed new light on her problem, or at least give her a different perspective. Hurrying to the holodeck, she activated the program and stepped in to find the Maestro also contemplating alternatives. Much to her surprise, however, the eventual solution she discovered came not from da Vinci but from the shadows dancing on his wall. 

An alliance with the Borg. It could work, if they stuck to their guns and forced the collective to agree. The doctor had already successfully modified nanoprobes to target and eradicate the alien cells infecting Harry Kim, after Species 8472 had attacked him. If Voyager and the Borg together were to develop and build a weapon powerful enough to deliver thousands of altered nanoprobes, they should be able to destroy the aliens one by one. Most likely, they wouldn’t need to kill all of them, just a few, as an example.

Revitalized, Kathryn hastened back to her ready room, convinced that her idea was sound. 

Several hours later, when she put it to the senior staff, her enthusiasm overcame their initial astonished reluctance. “This will work, people,” she declared. “The Borg learn by assimilation, but in this case, they can’t. Species 8472 is immune to assimilation, indeed they end up killing the Borg by infecting them with their own cells, in effect, assimilating them. But, thanks to the doctor’s efforts, we have figured out a way around that. We have found a way to stop Species 8472. It’s my belief we can use that knowledge to negotiate for safe passage through Borg space. In return, when we’ve reached the other side, we’ll give them the data on the doctor’s discoveries.”

As she overcame each objection, Janeway could see them gradually coming around to her point of view. She would need their full cooperation, she knew, if this was to work. Turning her head, her eyes swept over her staff as heads began to nod, before coming to rest on the last person, standing quietly behind a chair, his face twisted in a scowl. Chakotay. Sighing, Kathryn knew he would be the hardest person to convince of the merits of her plan, but somehow, she would have to find a way.

As the rest of the staff filed out of the briefing room, he remained still, obviously preparing his arguments. Stepping up to him, she attempted to lighten the tense atmosphere. “You were awfully quiet just now.” 

“I didn’t think you would appreciate the others hearing what I have to say.” His tone was even, yet held an undertone of urgency. “This is not a good idea, Kathryn, it’s incredibly risky and on top of that, it’s morally wrong. You can’t deliberately set out to eradicate an entire species simply for your convenience. That’s how we ended up out here in the first place, so we could prevent that very thing from happening to the Ocampa. Remember?” His voice rose as he got into his argument. 

“We won’t be eradicating an entire species!” she snarled, her temper rising in spite of her good intentions. _‘Good lord, how dense could the man be?!’_ Pacing around the table, she waved her hands to emphasize her point. “As I see it, this is a unique opportunity to get through Borg space. Right now, they’re on their knees, and we have something they need. Even a month from now may be too late. We have one chance, Chakotay, and I don’t intend to waste it.” 

Even before she finished speaking, he was shaking his head. “I can’t believe what I’m hearing, Kathryn. Listen to yourself! There are other alternatives. We discussed them only yesterday. Let’s turn around. We’ll find another way home.”

Her features contorted with rage. “I’m not telling this crew we’re adding untold years onto our journey merely to soothe your moral qualms!” Pausing, she fought to control her anger, well aware of sudden discord opening up like a chasm between them. She had to win him over, any way she could, even if it meant resorting to emotional blackmail. “Do you trust me, Chakotay?” 

“That’s not the issue.” 

“Oh, but it is. Only yesterday, you promised to always be at my side, supporting me.”

His face paled at the implied accusation. “I have to tell you what I believe,” he argued in a desperate voice, “I’m no good to you if I don’t.”

“But now? When I’ve told you my decision?” Her voice hardened with resolve. “I’m not changing my mind. This is my call and I’m making it!” Pausing for breath, she attempted to bring her voice down to a reasonable level. “Now, are you with me?”

Even as she watched, Chakotay’s face smoothed into a neutral mask, although his eyes still glittered. “I’m your first officer, I’ll follow your orders.”

Kathryn swallowed once, forcing aside every emotion that was screaming at her that what she was doing was wrong. The good of the crew had to be her first consideration and she would do whatever she had to in order to ensure their well-being. Even if it meant sacrificing the man she loved. “Then I guess I am alone, after all,” she muttered, her eyes never leaving his. “Dismissed.”

White with horror, Chakotay couldn’t speak. For several seconds, he stared at her before pivoting on his heel and leaving the briefing room. Kathryn gazed at the door for several minutes after it closed behind him.

*****

Although the alliance with the Borg did achieve the hoped-for result, Chakotay could not get past his heartsick realization that Kathryn had been willing to sacrifice their personal relationship on the altar of ‘getting home’. For several weeks, even after Kes threw them ten thousand light years across Borg space, he found himself at a loss, unable to forgive or even understand Kathryn’s actions. 

Day after day, he went through the motions of his job, but there was no joy in it and no smile ever graced his face. Even B’Elanna couldn’t cheer him up, although she made several attempts to coax him out of his melancholy. When he wasn’t on duty, he spent most of his time alone in his quarters, trying to meditate. Here too, however, his efforts met only with failure. Miserable and unhappy, when the opportunity arose for him to take a shuttle and scout ahead, he seized it gratefully – at least he would have only his own thoughts for company. 

It took drastic action, in this case his capture and subsequent brainwashing by the Vori, to finally shake him out of his depression and begin the process of mending his relationship with his captain. 

After his eventual rescue, during which he nearly killed Tuvok, Chakotay sat silently in sickbay, trying to make sense of his experiences, while the doctor explained what had actually occurred. “They had you so confused you would have believed your own mother was a turnip,” was his graphic description of the mind control techniques the Vori had used. 

The people on that planet – Brone, Rafin, Karya – had all been simulated, artificial people, not real. The entire scenario had been manufactured with the sole intent of making him blindly hate a species which he’d never even met! And he’d fallen for it – hook, line and sinker. Again! How could he have been so gullible? 

Even though his feelings towards Kathryn were still conflicted, when she leaned into him, her hand on his thigh, he responded instinctively, grateful for her familiar presence in a galaxy suddenly turned upside down. Her voice, reassuring him that he hadn’t been responsible for his actions, helped to calm him until, inexplicably, Neelix brought the Kradin ambassador to see him. Immediately, Chakotay felt his stomach churn with hatred; it was all he could do not to go for the alien’s throat. Dashing into the corridor in a desperate attempt to maintain some shred of self-control, he was hurrying toward the turbolift when he heard Kathryn call him. Reluctantly, not wanting her to see him in such a state, he turned back to face her.

Her eyes were full of concern as she questioned him briefly, before promising to come and see him later. “Right now, I have to deal with the ambassador, but I’ll be by later. You’re off duty, Chakotay, go and rest.”

Wordlessly, he nodded before turning away. 

It was several hours later when she arrived at his quarters, obviously determined to put their recent disagreement over the Borg behind them and help him in whatever way she could. Still muddled and confused, Chakotay was in no state to turn down her offer. As she wrapped her arms around him, drawing his head down onto her shoulder, all he could feel was relief as he inhaled her scent. This was the Kathryn he loved, his anchor, the reason for his existence. Desperately, he clutched her in his arms, needing her familiarity to anchor him. 

Slowly, over and over, she stroked his head and back, murmuring softly, telling him in that husky voice he loved so much how frightened she’d been when they couldn’t find him, how she would have done anything to get him back. “I love you,” she whispered, as he buried his face in her neck.

Gradually, aided by her proximity, his sense of self returned until he was able to lift his head to gaze on her, his heart full. “I’ve tried to stop loving you, and I can’t,” he told her. “No matter what I do, I can’t live without you. God help me, my heart and soul are yours, Kathryn.”

“I know.”

Leaning forward, she kissed him long and hard, her tongue sliding between his lips.

At once, he responded, gathering her tightly against him as he deepened the kiss. 

For a second, she stiffened as if about to resist, then melted into him. Chakotay needed no further invitation. Getting to his feet, he pulled her up with him, then led her into the bedroom, pausing only briefly. “Protocols?” he murmured hoarsely.

“Tonight let’s forget about those,” came her sultry reply. “But Chakotay,” she added, her smile fading, “only tonight. We can’t make a habit of this.”

He didn’t care. “I’ll take whatever you’ll give me,” he promised, “as long as you remember your promise of ‘someday’.” 

“I’ll remember.” 

*****

After that night, their lives once again settled into routine. In the cold light of day, Chakotay couldn’t help wondering if he’d been manipulated yet again, before deciding he really didn’t care. Kathryn was well aware how to manage him like putty in her hands. He was a hopeless case, he told himself, a lost cause where she was concerned. But lost cause or not, her reaffirmation of her love had served to restore his emotional centre, making him feel whole again. He would compromise a great deal to have that stability in his life once more.

*****

With the unity of the command team obviously reestablished, the mood of the entire ship lifted. Although Voyager continued to stumble through one crisis after another, her crew was able to survive every one with minimal losses. By now, they had learned to work together as a smooth, efficient unit, able to rely completely on each other for support. What differences there had been initially between Maquis and Starfleet had long since disappeared. Now, everyone on board thought of themselves as Voyager’s crew. Likewise, inspired by the stubborn resolve of their captain, and despite the uncertain fate some of them faced, they were all equally determined to get back to Earth. 

When, thanks to an ancient, mysterious network of relay stations, which allowed them to communicate with the Alpha Quadrant, the ship was actually able to send a message to Starfleet in the person of the doctor, every person waited just as anxiously as the next to learn the results. With the doctor’s triumphant return and the news he brought, there was a ship wide celebration. Home, although still very far away, suddenly seemed much more attainable.

*****

Clutching several PADDs, Neelix entered the bridge, his manner one of importance. “Letters!” he announced dramatically. “I have letters here from home.”

Immediately, the attention of the entire bridge crew focused on the precious PADDs in his hands. 

“Commander Chakotay!”

Smiling his thanks, Chakotay grasped the PADD and sank back into his seat. In seconds, however, he was on his feet. “I’ll be in my office,” he announced briefly, hurrying into the turbolift. “Tom, you have the bridge.”

Several sets of eyes followed him in curiosity, but the only sound was Tom’s automatic reply. “Aye, sir.”

Shortly after, the captain strode onto the bridge, her face alight with anticipation as she clutched a PADD in both hands. “I’ll be in my ready room,” she spoke as the door slid open, allowing her to disappear inside.

Again, the crew watched with avid curiosity but no one said a word, although several sighs could be heard echoing around the bridge. 

One by one, the treasured PADDs were distributed until the Hirogen appeared, demanding Voyager stop using the relay network. In the resulting confrontation, the containment field around the quantum singularity, which was powering the network, collapsed, allowing it to be exposed as a black hole. Immediately, the four Hirogen ships were engulfed, as well as the nearby relay station, which in turn deactivated the entire network. Sadly, the crew watched as their only link with home disappeared. Once more, they were on their own. 

Later that evening, Chakotay found Kathryn sitting quietly in her ready room, her eyes bleak. At first, he assumed her sad expression was due to the loss of the relay stations, but her unusual stillness made him wonder if something else was bothering her. Not sure how to broach the subject, he asked the first question to pop into his head. “Who was your letter from?” 

For a moment, she didn’t answer before her eyes focused on him and she sighed heavily. “It was from Mark, the man I was engaged to when I left. He got married, about four months ago.” Wearily, she ran a hand across her face. “You know, Chakotay, I’ve been sitting here trying to understand why I’m feeling so…I don’t know…betrayed. It’s stupid. I mean, I haven’t exactly been faithful to him, have I?”

“You were with him for quite a long time, weren’t you?” Chakotay was careful to keep his voice even – Mark was not a subject they had ever discussed.

“Nearly thirteen years,” Kathryn was answering. “He helped me so much after Justin and my father died, and now I feel so conflicted – angry that he hasn’t waited for me, and then very guilty because I’ve done exactly the same thing, and I have no right to be upset with him.”

“Kathryn, you’re not making sense. For one thing, you and I loved each other long before Mark appeared in your life.” He paused as she held up a hand. 

“Actually, that isn’t so. I’ve known him all my life, since we were children.”

“But you weren’t in love with him, were you?” retorted Chakotay.

“No, that’s true, I wasn’t,” her voice was soft. “I realize I never was, not the way I’ve always loved you. Maybe that’s why I feel so guilty.” She sighed wistfully, before turning to face him and assuming an interested expression. “But that’s enough about me. What was in your letter? Better news than in mine, I hope.”

Chakotay’s face fell into grim lines. “No, it wasn’t.” He hesitated, then blurted out. “About a year ago, there was a massacre. The Maquis were wiped out. They’re dead, all of them, except for the few in prison – and us.”

“Oh, Chakotay!” Kathryn’s voice was filled with horror. “That’s dreadful! What happened? Who did this?”

In reply, he handed her the PADD he’d been clutching in his hand. “Read it.”

Quickly, her eyes scanned the message before she got to her feet and came around the desk to stand in front of him, reaching for his hand. “Come sit on the couch while I get us some tea. Talk to me, Chakotay, don’t bottle this up underneath that stoic façade of yours. Tell me about them, about your friends.”

With a soft sigh of relief, he let her lead him to the upper level. Somehow, she would be able to help him sort through his jumbled feelings and put them all in perspective. Settling down with the tea in his hand, he began to talk.

*****

Although the crew was unhappy that their link with home had been so abruptly terminated, after they’d had several days to rationalize their disappointment, they were infused with a new sense of purpose. There was a connection now, however tenuous, with the Alpha Quadrant. Their friends and families knew they were still alive. Where previously they had lurched from one crisis to the next, never able to look ahead more than a few days, now they were able to share more fully in Janeway’s vision – that one day, they would get home. Optimism filled the corridors, perking up even the most downtrodden spirits.

It couldn’t last, of course; the Delta Quadrant had a way of throwing unexpected and very nasty surprises at this ship. However, in the meantime, they told each other, they could dream of home and hope that someday, they would see their loved ones again. 

*****

Constant night. The blackness of space unrelieved by any light, any star, nebula, comet – nothing. Two years it would take Voyager to cross this region, this ‘void’, as the crew called it, two years of unrelenting darkness. 

Alone in her quarters, Kathryn Janeway stood at her viewport, staring into the night, her mind focused inward as she acknowledged her guilt. She had stranded her crew in this godforsaken quadrant, ripping them from their homes and families, and most likely condemning them to never see either again. 

Over and over she berated herself for her selfishness, her stubborn insistence that she, she! almighty Kathryn Janeway, had to protect the Ocampa. That it had to be her way or no way. She remembered Tuvok warning her on the Caretaker’s array, right after the Caretaker had died, that they were in danger of breaking the Prime Directive if they intervened on the side of the Ocampa. But oh no! she’d refused to heed his words. “We’re already involved,” she’d told him, and believed it too…then. Now, however, over four long years later, she wasn’t so sure. 

Heaving a mighty sigh, she slumped down onto the couch, although her eyes remained fixed on the blackness surrounding her ship. _‘They’re such a wonderful crew, they never complain, but they must hate me. Hate me! How could they not? I know I would, if some captain had done to me what I’ve done to them….’_

The door chime rang, echoing in the stillness of her quarters. She decided to ignore it; she was in no mood to talk to anyone. 

It sounded again and then a third time. Whoever was there, and she had a pretty good idea who it was, wasn’t going away. Grimacing in disgust, she rose to her feet, then gave the order for it to open.

Sure enough, standing on the other side was Chakotay, PADD in hand. Why he persisted in bringing her these reports on a regular basis, she didn’t know. He was more than capable of handling any problem himself, and as for her…well, she certainly wasn’t much of a captain, was she? She should probably just turn over the pips to him right now; the crew were far more at ease with him anyway. They hated her – she was the one who’d gotten them stuck out here.

“Captain,” murmured his soft voice, “here are the latest reports from engineering and ops. Tuvok detected a band of theta radiation a little while ago – I suggested we investigate. It’s not much off our course and it would give the crew something to do.”

Stretching out a hand for the PADD, Kathryn nodded as her eyes skimmed down it. “Very good, Commander. I’ll let you run the project.”

Turning away, she resumed her stance at the viewport, obviously expecting Chakotay to leave, but he didn’t. Instead, he advanced to the middle of the room.  
“I have some holodeck time saved up,” he began in a cajoling sort of voice. “I thought we might find something to do there. We could play velocity or maybe enjoy a stroll down a country lane. Or, if you’d rather, we could go join in one of the activities Neelix has organized in the mess hall. I think tonight there is some sort of old-fashioned dance, what Tom calls a ‘sock hop.’” 

She opened her mouth to reply, but he cut her off, reading her objections in her face, the same objections she repeated every time he suggested she should leave her quarters. 

“You need to get out, Kathryn,” he told her firmly, “and the crew needs to see you. They’re becoming nervous and restless, concerned that you stay in here all the time. If for no other reason than the sake of morale, I think you need to walk the ship.”

Glaring at him, she drew herself up to reply. “How can you possibly suggest that?” she demanded, going on the attack. “They hate me and I don’t blame them. Destroying the Caretaker’s array was wrong, just plain wrong, and a lot of people have died because I couldn’t keep my nose out of someone else’s business. Well, no more. I think the crew functions much better without me around.”

Chakotay threw up his hands in exasperation, then placed them firmly on his hips. “For heaven’s sake, Kathryn, give yourself a little credit. You’re making a mountain out of a molehill. No one hates you.”

“How can you be sure?”

“Because I’d hear about it if it were true!” Moving closer to her, Chakotay reached up to rub her shoulders gently. “Sweetheart, you’re letting your fears overpower you, and that’s not the Kathryn Janeway I know. Now, come walk with me and see for yourself how respected and admired you are.”

But she backed away, her face shutting down. “Noo, no. I’ll stay here and leave the ship in your capable hands.”

He gave in, as he always did, even though he knew it was a big mistake. But she was the captain, and his respect for her as well as her position would not allow him to force her to do something she really didn’t want to do.

Sadly, he turned to leave, pausing as the door opened. “If you change your mind, doesn’t matter what time it is, please…contact me.”

“I will,” floated softly through the open doorway behind him as he walked into the corridor.

*****

As had happened many times before, a crisis brought the captain out of her depression and allowed Voyager to take a shortcut which brought the ship out of the void only a week later. 

Having regained her energy and drive, Janeway threw herself into the effort to get the ship home faster. She encouraged B’Elanna to experiment with more alien technology which they’d acquired, in an effort to develop a slipstream drive. Although several of the engineers expressed concern to Chakotay about safety protocols, the captain had no such reservations. If sheer determination could make the drive function, then it would work.

As a result, Voyager was nearly destroyed when the drive malfunctioned only a few minutes into their flight in the slipstream. Only ‘divine intervention’, in the form of a Harry Kim from the future, saved them from complete disaster. The shock of almost losing her ship was enough to bring Janeway to her senses, forcing her to listen to Chakotay’s warnings. There would be no shortcut home, but if they could be patient, they would get there eventually.

*****

Nearly a year passed as Voyager steadily plodded alone through the Delta Quadrant, never deviating from her course. Memories of the brief moments when the crew had actually communicated with their families had faded; the people at home hadn’t been forgotten, but rather put aside so as not to be a distraction in the never-ending struggle to return to the Alpha Quadrant. 

There was another run-in with the Borg, as well as a curious interaction with Species 8472, which started badly and ended up allowing the crew to briefly pretend they were on Earth once more. This interlude was particularly memorable for Chakotay who, for the sake of his crewmates, became closer to one of their hosts than he could possibly have imagined. 

For days after, Kathryn delighted in teasing him about kissing a Species 8472. “I really don’t know how you did it, Chakotay,” she’d grin. “I mean they don’t even _have_ lips!”

“You know perfectly well she was in human form at the time, Kathryn,” he’d retort, “and her lips were quite kissable.”

When Voyager was forced to travel through Devore space, the chief representative of the Imperium, Inspector Kashyk, showed a more than passing interest in her captain. 

Now it was Chakotay’s turn to tease, as he ribbed Kathryn mercilessly about her ‘admirer’. “You better be careful, you know, or you’ll find yourself having to _kiss_ him!”

Kathryn shuddered at the thought, although when Chakotay’s prediction actually came to pass, she was able to put on a convincing performance. However, once the Devore had left, she made a quick stop in her quarters to thoroughly clean her mouth. At the time, she wasn’t going to tell Chakotay what had transpired in the shuttle bay, but one look at her face and he knew anyway.

Although his expression showed nothing but sympathy and he gripped her hand tightly for a moment, he couldn’t quite hide a mischievous twinkle in his eye. While at first, she was angry that he was treating the Inspector so lightly, it also made her realize that she was probably over-reacting to one unpleasant moment.

Leaning across the command console, he muttered for her ears alone. “Don’t worry, Kathryn, I still love you, even if you did kiss him.”

She started to glare at him, but his grin distracted her, and instead she grinned back. “Thanks, that’s very reassuring.”

“Don’t mention it.”

After that, she was better able to put Kashyk in perspective and even savor her eventual triumph over him. 

*****

Equinox. Ransom. Nucleogenic aliens. 

In later years, whenever Chakotay heard any of those words, he always felt an involuntary shiver run down his spine. Without a doubt, Voyager’s encounter with the Federation starship Equinox represented the absolute nadir in both his personal and professional relationship with Kathryn Janeway.

The behaviour of Ransom and his crew evoked a blind fury in Kathryn that left Chakotay gasping in disbelief. If he hadn’t witnessed it himself, and indeed, borne the brunt of her rage, he would never have believed her capable of such brutality. After so many years together, he thought he knew her very well indeed. However, as he was to quickly discover, there was a side to her that he didn’t know at all. 

She was strong-willed certainly – that had been evident right from the first day he met her – and on occasion, she could be incredibly stubborn. But those were characteristics typical of most Starfleet captains; she would never have finished Command School without them.

But it was her attitude toward the crew of the Equinox, in particular Noah Lessing, which absolutely dumbfounded Chakotay. There was a streak of ruthlessness in her makeup that was completely at odds with the compassionate, caring woman he’d always known. For the first time, he realized that this woman, to whom he’d given his soul so long ago, was quite capable of committing the cold-blooded murder of a fellow officer merely to extract some information. It was torture, pure and simple, and went against every principle of the Federation, principles which she professed to follow so faithfully.

Chakotay actually found himself seriously considering the possibility that at some point, somehow, she had metamorphosed into someone else entirely. To all outward appearances, she was still Kathryn, but underneath she was a complete stranger.

He didn’t stop loving her – he couldn’t – but it took a long time after the affair of the Equinox before he was able to _like_ her again.

*****

A male voice laced with static echoed through the Astrometrics lab. “This is Captain Ransom of the Federation starship Equinox. We are under attack. We need assistance.”

There was a brief pause before the distress call began to repeat itself.

The command team stared at each other in disbelief, before Janeway snapped at Seven of Nine. “Where’s that signal coming from?!”

Borg fingers flashed across the console. “The signal is located approximately 3.2 light years away.”

“Janeway to bridge. Tom, set a course for the coordinates Seven is sending you now and go to maximum warp.” She nodded at the woman as she spoke, conveying an unspoken order to transmit the location of the Equinox to the bridge.

“Aye, Captain, course set.” 

She could feel the increased vibration through the deck plates before Tom spoke again. 

“We’re at warp 9.975, Captain.”

“How long before we get there?”

“At present speed, about two and a half hours.”

“Thank you. Maintain course and speed. Janeway out.”

Turning to Chakotay, she nodded to the exit, silently indicating he should accompany her as she began to move toward it. “Equinox….” she muttered half to herself, “I’m trying to remember….”

“If I’m recalling the right ship, she’s a science vessel, Nova-class,” he answered in reply to her unspoken question.

Her pace picked up as they neared the turbolift. “You’re right; it’s coming back to me now. Ransom was credited with making first contact with the Yridians, after everyone thought they were extinct. A promotion to captain and the Equinox were his reward for his discovery.”

“How do you suppose she ended up out here?” he asked the obvious question. “The same way we did?”

Kathryn shrugged. “I guess we’ll find out pretty soon, if they’re still alive when we get there.”

*****

By the time Voyager finally arrived at the coordinates of the distress signal, the Equinox had been badly damaged. Searching through darkened corridors littered with smashed equipment and broken bulkheads, with pieces of conduit hanging from the ceilings, the rescue teams found that most of the crew were dead. Here and there, someone would be discovered alive, trapped underneath the rubble, but for the most part, what they pulled out were desiccated bodies. Out of an original complement of some eighty persons, perhaps fifteen had survived. 

Listening first to Chakotay’s report on the casualties and then Torres’ on the overall state of the ship, Janeway’s mouth tightened. “In brief, what you’re saying, B’Elanna, is that the Equinox is too badly damaged to repair properly without being completely overhauled in a state-of-the-art drydock.”

Torres was blunt. “In one word, Captain – yes. We can patch her up, more or less, but anything more would require facilities that simply aren’t available to us. And without those repairs, she won’t be able to make it back to the Alpha Quadrant. Her structural integrity is simply too compromised.”

“I’ll need to meet with her captain before coming to any final decision to abandon her. Keep a tractor beam on her and make sure she’s completely enclosed by our shields.”

“That will mean a massive drain on our power supply, Captain.” Torres’ tone left no doubt about what she thought of the captain’s order. “We won’t be able to maintain it for long unless we dip into our energy reserves.” She knew how much Janeway hated doing that. “How long do you expect to utilize the tractor beam?”

Janeway scowled, quite understanding what B’Elanna wasn’t saying. She was most reluctant to use up valuable energy towing a nearly-dead ship, but…this wasn’t just another ship – it was a Starfleet vessel. She couldn’t simply abandon it without making at least some effort to salvage it. However, she didn’t voice her feelings to the others, merely replying, “Until I’ve had a chance to talk to her captain and find another option.”

Torres recognized the tone of dismissal in her voice and nodded reluctantly. “Very well, Captain.” Spinning on her heel, she stalked to the nearest console and began punching a series of commands.

Turning away, the captain headed for the door. “I’m going to sickbay, Commander. Join me?”

“Aye, Captain,” he replied as he moved to follow her out the door.

*****

Hours later, the captain sat in her ready room, mulling over what course of action she should take. Captain Ransom had been quite adamant that, with a little help to fix up the worst of the damage, he and the remnant of his crew would be just fine on the Equinox. In vain, Janeway had argued that they would be much better off abandoning his ship while he and his people relocated to Voyager. But Ransom wouldn’t hear of it. Even when Janeway quoted the pertinent Starfleet regulation governing such a situation, he refused to change his mind.

“I don’t know about you, Captain,” he told her bluntly, “but I find that Starfleet rules and regulations tend to get a little blurry out here. Frankly, we pick the ones that best apply to our situation and ignore the rest. I’m surprised you don’t do the same.”

Scandalized at his cavalier attitude, Janeway stared at him, appalled. “Just because we’re far from home doesn’t mean we abandon our principles, Captain,” she began in a forthright voice, before he cut her off.

“Please, Captain, don’t start quoting the Federation Charter to me.” His tone bordered on sarcastic as he glanced around the ready room. “From where I sit, it looks like you’ve had a comparatively easy time of it out here. I lost half my crew in the first week! Since then, it’s been one fight after another. How we’ve survived this long, I have no idea, but I will not abandon my ship now. She’s just as much a part of my crew as anyone else.” His face assumed a determined expression, as he leaned back in his chair. 

“As senior officer, I could order you….” began Janeway softly, not yet willing to provoke a direct confrontation.

“You could,” agreed Ransom, although his tone told her he would not hesitate to disobey that order.

Trying to find some ground for compromise, Janeway took a different tack. “How about we have our engineers examine the Equinox thoroughly, conduct an evaluation to determine what exactly needs to be done and whether it’s practical to do it? Would that satisfy you?”

Ransom shook his head firmly. “No, Captain, it would not. Either help us repair my ship or give us the tools to do it ourselves.” He rose to his feet and stalked out the door before she could think of another argument that might change his mind.

Although on one level she could understand his evident attachment to the Equinox, Starfleet captains were trained to be practical. In the end, a ship was a piece of equipment – if it had to be abandoned or destroyed for whatever reason, then a captain should do so. Even in the Delta Quadrant, where their ships served as homes to their crews as well as starships, she hadn’t hesitated to order the self-destruct when it seemed the best alternative. Her instincts were all screaming at her that there was something else at work here, some other random factor she wasn’t aware of. Deciding a covert investigation of the Equinox might be in order, she tapped her combadge.

“Janeway to the doctor.”

His reply was prompt as always. “Sickbay here. What can I do for you, Captain? You’re not actually planning to take your physical early, are you? You have another week, you know.”

“No, Doctor, I need to talk to you. Come to my ready room at once.”

By the tone of his voice, she knew the EMH was obviously intrigued. “On my way.”

On the doctor’s arrival, the captain quickly explained her concerns. “It’s a gut feeling, I know, but I’m convinced there’s something going on over there that Captain Ransom doesn’t want us to know about. I want you to beam onto the Equinox and poke around, see what you can find out. We know parts of the ship have been flooded with radiation, which is why you have to be the one to go.”

“Certainly, Captain, I’ve always wanted to try my hand at spying.”

She winced slightly at his sarcasm, but beyond glaring at him, made no mention of it. “Off you go then, Doctor.”

With a nod, he left the ready room while she sat back down in her chair. Now she would just have to wait.

However, the doctor was back much sooner than she’d expected with a story which chilled her bones. At once, she summoned Ransom back to her ready room, calling Tuvok to join them. “You’ve been experimenting on these alien creatures that are attacking you, using their bodies as an alternate fuel source. They’re simply trying to survive!” Getting to her feet, she began to pace before stopping to glare at the other captain. “What the hell were you thinking? How could you _do_ this?”

Leaping to his feet, Ransom moved to face her nose to nose. “My ship was in pieces, our dilithium gone. We were running on thrusters only. We hadn’t eaten in days. By dumb luck, we happened to encounter a species called the Ankari, who helped us as best they could, even summoning ‘spirits’ from another realm to bless our journey. Only we discovered they weren’t spirits at all, but nucleogenic life forms, emitting high levels of anti-matter.” His voice fell to a growl. “Tell me, Captain. How long would you have been able to watch your crew starve to death before doing whatever you could to keep them alive? How long?!” Turning to look out the viewport, he continued in a voice she could barely hear. “Maybe you could stand seeing them die while citing your almighty Starfleet principles, but I couldn’t.”

Janeway remained unimpressed. “There must have been other alternatives,” she argued, trying to keep her voice calm. “There are always – ”

Spinning around, he interrupted her ruthlessly. “There weren’t. Believe me, we searched. But the only solution we had was to kill these aliens one by one and use them as a source of energy. And that’s exactly what we did.” 

She stared at him, quite unable to understand his actions. Finally, she jerked her head at Tuvok. “Confine him to quarters along with the rest of his crew.”

As she gazed blindly out the window, cold rage seeped through her body. Such behaviour from any Starfleet officer, never mind a fellow captain, was completely incomprehensible to her. _‘He should have let his crew die, dammit, rather than commit mass murder. And his actions reflect on them as well. What on earth was he thinking?!’_ Determined to right this terrible wrong, she resumed her seat behind her desk and tried to decide what to do next. 

However, within a few minutes, her pondering was interrupted by an urgent hail from Tuvok. The Equinox crew had escaped back to their ship and were powering it up.

“Tractor them!” shouted Janeway, as she sprinted through the door. 

In the time it took to trot up the steps to her chair on the bridge, Harry was reporting that the tractor beam was malfunctioning. In disbelief, she watched as the Equinox angled away from Voyager before going to warp.

“I thought their engines were off line!” Her voice rippled with barely-controlled fury.

Chakotay glanced up from their shared console. “So did we.”

“Follow them, Mr. Paris.”

“Yes, ma’am,” muttered Tom, as his fingers danced across the helm.

A moment later, Tuvok’s steady tones uttered damning words. “Captain, our shields are becoming erratic and weakening in several areas of the ship. We are in danger of attack ourselves from the aliens.”

Her head whipped around at his words. “Can you strengthen them? Reroute power from other systems?”

At ops, Harry’s hands were already flying across his console. “I’m trying, Captain, but we have an unexplained power drain right across all systems.”

“Janeway to engineering. B’Elanna, we have fluctuating shield strength and an unknown power drain. Do you know what’s going on?”

For several seconds, there was silence before B’Elanna responded. “Torres here,” she panted. “Captain, we’ve got systems going down all over the ship. I can’t explain it! It’s almost like…sabotage! Or something.”

Janeway’s face paled as she glanced at Chakotay. “Sabotage,” she echoed in a whisper. “Given what’s happened, that would make sense.”

“Captain,” announced Tuvok once more, “shields are starting to fail. We should prepare for attack.”

“Very well. People, arm yourselves. B’Elanna,” she spoke into her open combadge, “sabotage is a good possibility. Ransom and his crew have escaped to the Equinox, leaving us to fight these aliens alone. Do what you have to, but our top priority is shields.”

“Aye, Captain. Torres out.”

A second later, a whining sound could be heard, growing louder and louder, before fissures began to pop open all over the bridge. “Remember!” shouted Chakotay, as he took aim at the nearest alien, “don’t let them touch you!” 

Quickly, the crew dived for cover and began to fire their phasers, systematically picking off the aliens one by one even as more poured through the fissures. 

“I am initiating a deflector pulse,” came Tuvok’s voice from tactical, “to reinforce the shields.” 

After several tense minutes, the fissures began to close and the aliens disappeared; at the same time Torres hailed them. “Engineering to bridge. I’ve stopped the power drain and got back partial shields. They’re pretty fragile, but with any luck, they should hold until we can get the energy flow stabilized.”

Janeway quickly replied. “Thank you, B’Elanna, not a moment too soon.” As she closed the link, she sent a brief smile of thanks to Tuvok for his quick thinking, before asking. “Anyone hurt?”

A muffled groan from behind made her turn to see Chakotay lying unconscious on the deck, with Tom Paris, tricorder already in hand, moving to kneel at his side. 

“He was hit by one of the aliens,” reported Harry Kim, who had seen the creature diving for Chakotay and shot it just as it attacked. 

Janeway nodded, willing herself to focus on their dire situation; she couldn’t afford to be distracted by anything else right now. “Get him to sickbay.” As Paris initiated an emergency transport, she turned to ops, asking Harry. “Any sign of them?”

“No, Captain,” he replied steadily, “they seem to be gone – for now.”

“All right, then. I’ll be in my ready room, trying to figure out where we go from here. Tuvok, you have the bridge.” 

“Aye, Captain.”

As she started down the steps, she glanced behind her. “If anyone has any ideas, no matter how outlandish, I want to hear them.”

“Yes, ma’am,” echoed from various areas of the bridge, as faces tightened in concentration.

*****

An hour later, when no further sign of the aliens had been detected and she had gone over the preliminary damage reports, the captain finally allowed herself to relax and contact sickbay. Much to her relief, the doctor was able to report that Commander Chakotay would make a full recovery. 

“Ask him to come to my ready room as soon as you discharge him, Doctor,” she ordered, her eyes already returning to her monitor. 

However, the doctor quickly explained that the commander would not be leaving in the immediate future. “He has suffered internal injuries, Captain, and needs to undergo further regenerative treatment before I can release him to his quarters.” The holographic voice held a prim note that she could not recall hearing in a long time, from their earliest days in the Delta Quadrant. 

For a second, she debated querying him before deciding she had more important concerns to deal with. “Very well, Doctor, then I’ll come to him. Janeway out.”

Moments later, the captain trotted into sickbay, only to stop at the sight of crewmen scattered all over the room. Although she had received a casualty report from Tuvok, she hadn’t been prepared for the grim reality of badly injured men and women, faces scarred and blistered from the aliens’ attack. Slowly, she moved forward, stopping to speak to one, or give an encouraging pat to another. At the far side of the room, she could see Chakotay lying motionless on a biobed.

When she eventually reached his side, she laid a gentle hand on his cheek for a brief moment. At her touch, he opened his eyes, his face breaking into a weary grin as he saw her leaning over him.

“The doctor said you’ll be fine, Chakotay,” she reassured him in a low voice. “So hurry up and get well because I need you.”

Too tired to speak, he smiled slightly and nodded, before closing his eyes once more.

“My patient needs to sleep now, Captain,” ordered the doctor in a no-nonsense tone. “Please come back tomorrow.”

Again, Janeway was struck by his formal tone of voice. For several seconds, she stared up at him speculatively. “Are you feeling all right, Doctor?” she finally asked.

He looked somewhat startled, but replied smoothly. “Of course. I’m a hologram. I always ‘feel’ all right.”

“Your subroutines haven’t been malfunctioning again, have they?”

For a split second, she would have sworn a guilty expression swept across his face before it smoothed into blandness. “Please excuse me, Captain. As you can see, I have a lot of work to do.”

Turning away, he picked up a medical tricorder and began to scan the crewman nearest to him. 

Scowling, Janeway gave it up. When they had a moment, she would ask B’Elanna or Harry to run a diagnostic on his program.

Unbeknownst to her or anyone else on Voyager, as soon as he was alone, the EMH, who actually belonged to the Equinox, contacted his own ship for instructions. Shortly after, he instructed the computer to continue in a program of systematic sabotage.

*****

By early the next morning, Voyager’s luck had finally begun to turn. Close examination of Ransom’s file had shown Janeway a consistent pattern of behaviour – when cornered, he tended to hide until the danger had passed. She had Seven search for the nearest good hiding spot, then set a course for it. Sure enough, there was the Equinox.

Again, the smaller ship managed to escape but not before Voyager was able to capture three crewmen. Two apparently had very little information on the ship’s status, but the third, Noah Lessing, was a bridge officer. However, he refused to talk at all beyond telling her that he would never betray his captain. In desperation, she took him to the cargo bay and had him handcuffed to a chair.

“I want you to sit here for a while, Mr. Lessing, and think about what could happen to you if I…oh, dropped the shields around this room, for example. I’ll be on the bridge, but there’s an open comm line so you can contact me at any time.”

Still, he remained silent, although his eyes followed her intently as she walked through the door.

When Janeway reached the bridge, she was delighted to discover Chakotay sitting in his chair, looking only slightly the worse for wear. “Commander!” she exclaimed. “It’s good to have you back. Join me in my ready room, please, there are several ideas I want to run past you.”

At once, Chakotay rose slowly to his feet, his face contorting slightly in pain. However, as the captain was leading the way to her door, she didn’t notice his grimace.

Once inside, he immediately settled into the chair in front of the desk, before letting his eyes follow Janeway, who was retrieving a cup of coffee from the replicator. “Want anything?” she asked as she placed the order.

“No thanks,” he answered softly.

“Did you hear that we finally had a piece of luck early this morning?” she inquired gaily. “We were able to retrieve three of the Equinox crew during the latest skirmish with them. Two seemingly don’t know much but the third, Lessing, is a bridge officer.”

“What have you found out?”

Her face contorted in a brief scowl although her voice remained confident. “At the moment, he’s still holding out on me, but I’ll break him!”

Chakotay shuddered at her tone, not liking the hint of ruthlessness he was hearing. “Is he in the brig?”

“No, I’ve got him tied up in cargobay one. I’m letting him stew for a while in the hope he’ll see reason and talk.”

“Why would he? What’s in the cargobay?” He couldn’t stop a slight note of suspicion from creeping into his voice. “What have you done, Kathryn?”

“Nothing yet,” she answered, quite oblivious to his growing discomfort. “But I’ve told him to think about what might happen if, for instance, I dropped the shields around the cargobay.”

Despite his recent injuries and the pain he was still experiencing, Chakotay leaped to his feet. “You what?!”

Janeway’s head snapped up at his exclamation and her eyes narrowed. Although the level of her voice never changed, her tone dripped with ice. “I have him confined in cargobay one. If he continues to refuse to cooperate, I will drop the shields and let the aliens pay him a visit.”

“For gods’ sake, Kathryn, that’s completely inhuman. It amounts to torture! You’re violating every protocol in the book.” 

As he stared at her in disbelief, she strode around her desk to meet him head-on. “And you’re out of line, Commander! Now get this straight. I will do whatever it takes to bring in Ransom and his crew. He is a Starfleet captain and he’s decided to abandon everything this uniform represents. Well, I won’t stand for it. And if I have to apply a little psychological pressure on one of his people to get the information I need, then that’s exactly what I’ll do!” Her eyes blazed with anger as she stared him down.

Without a word, Chakotay turned to the door, exiting the ready room. 

Breathing heavily, Janeway remained where she was, controlling her anger until she could see clearly. If Chakotay couldn’t understand why she was using such drastic methods, too bad for him. She would do what was necessary to ensure the safety of her crew and ship. That thought made her decide that she’d probably allowed Lessing to stew long enough. Time to see if he was willing to be a little more cooperative. Quickly, she exited the ready room and hurried to the turbolift.

When she reached the corridor adjacent to the cargobay, she was astonished to discover her first officer frantically punching codes into the panel beside the door.

“What are you doing?!” she demanded angrily.

“Trying to get in there, but you’ve put too high a clearance on the door code.” Chakotay continued to hit buttons as he spoke, trying to override her encryption.

“Stand away from the panel, Commander,” Janeway growled.

Despite her tone that warned him she would not be disobeyed, he kept on with his efforts. “Damn it, Kathryn, you have to let me in there! Or go in yourself!”

Deep in the recesses of her brain, a tiny voice told her to humour him for the moment. “Since you insist.” Reaching past his fingers, she quickly punched in her personal code, then turned to see the door sliding open.

Without waiting, Chakotay hurried inside, moving to bend over Lessing, who couldn’t prevent an expression of relief crossing his face. “Are you all right, Ensign?”

Lessing rolled his eyes. “As well as can be expected, sir, under the circumstances.”

In another second, Janeway approached from his other side. “I see you’re more willing to talk now, Ensign.”

At once, Lessing closed his mouth tightly, his eyes blazing defiance.

“Or not,” added Janeway silkily. “Very well.” She nodded to Chakotay, indicating the door, then strode into the corridor. Puzzled, he followed, unable to believe she would actually follow through on her threat.

“Computer! Seal the door. Authorization Janeway pi alpha.” 

Her voice warned him she would brook no independent action from him and yet he had to do something. Whirling to face her, he yelled in her face. “Dammit, Kathryn, open the door!” 

Her fingers danced over the control panel, as she spoke. “You’re panicking, Chakotay. He’ll break; we just have to wait him out.”

“Tuvok to Janeway. I’m detecting a breach in the shields surrounding cargobay one.”

Chakotay’s eyes widened in horror. “What the hell are you doing?!” he roared.

“Exactly what I said I would,” she replied, almost conversationally.

He reached for the panel, but couldn’t override her codes. In desperation, he grasped his phaser and aimed it at the panel.

Janeway uttered a shout of protest, but before she could move, he had fired, burning a massive hole in the middle, which effectively disabled it. Dashing for the door, he pressed the pad. To his profound relief, the door slid back and he was able to run inside just as fissures began to open. Firing at two of the aliens, he grabbed Lessing’s arm and hauled him rapidly out of the cargobay.

As the door slammed shut behind them, he sealed it, then contacted the bridge, telling them to raise shields again around the cargobay.

During the entire time, from the moment he fired on the control panel, Janeway never moved. But her disapproval was very evident – her lips were pressed tightly together and her eyes blazed furiously. As Chakotay and Lessing stood leaning against the wall, trying to catch their breaths, she stalked silently between them and disappeared down the corridor.

Miserable and heartsick at her actions, Chakotay shook his head, then gripped Lessing’s arm. “Let’s put you in the brig where you belong, mister.”

*****

Twenty minutes later, Janeway was once more ensconced in her ready room, her crew walking on eggshells. When she’d swept out of the turbolift, one look at her face had made the entire bridge staff quail and duck for cover. No one had made a sound or uttered a word until she’d disappeared through the ready room door, and even then, they communicated only in whispers. The captain was on the warpath and no one was foolish enough to draw her attention. No one, that is, except for the first officer.

When Chakotay returned to the bridge, after a brief conversation with Lessing before putting him in the brig, he headed straight for the ready room. In vain, Tom tried to catch his attention. The commander’s eyes were focused solely on his goal, while his face wore a very grim expression. He didn’t even bother to use the chime, merely entering his command override to open the door.

There was not the slightest doubt in anyone’s mind that a confrontation of major proportions was about to occur in the captain’s inner sanctum.

Inside the door, Chakotay came to a halt, his eyes focused on Janeway seated at her desk. Striving to keep his voice at a moderate level, he delivered his report. “I took the opportunity to question Lessing on how to contact the Ankari, the aliens who introduced the Equinox to the nucleogenic beings. He was quite willing to give me information on that subject. Therefore, I would suggest we try to reach them. Perhaps in that way, we can stop these attacks.” He dropped a PADD on her desk.

Her head had remained down the entire time he was speaking, but Chakotay knew she had heard every word. For a second after he finished, she remained silent, before looking up at him. “Very well. We’ll try it your way.”

Nodding, he turned to leave when she rose from her desk, catching his attention. “There’s one more thing, however” she began, her voice filled with authority. “What you did in the cargobay was completely out of line. You disobeyed a direct order. I’m warning you, Commander, if it happens again….” Her voice trailed off.

Chakotay had had enough. He was furious with her and unwilling to allow her any more leeway. His tone matched hers. “You’ll do what, Captain?” Not giving her a chance to reply, he went on. “You nearly killed that man just now. That would have been cold-blooded murder! Ransom isn’t worth what you’re doing. No one is!”

“It was a calculated risk,” she snapped back, “and it would have worked if you hadn’t interfered.”

“It was a bad call,” he replied defiantly, his voice rising with the heat of his anger. “And I’m warning _you_ , Kathryn, I won’t stand idly by and let you cross that line again!”

Staring across the suddenly wide gulf of their argument, Janeway gazed at him as if he were a complete stranger. “Then you leave me no choice,” she replied, her voice now devoid of all emotion. “I hereby relieve you of duty. You’re confined to quarters until further notice.”

He stared at her, aghast. “Kathryn! What’s the matter with you?!”

Unmoved, she gazed back at him steadily, her eyes like ice. “I was about to ask you the same thing.” Without another word, she brushed past him and out the door.

Chakotay had no choice but to follow, his heart filled with misery.

*****

In the hours that followed, for reasons unknown to anyone but himself, Captain Ransom had a sudden change of heart. When Voyager once more located the Equinox, he ordered his crew to cooperate with the other ship rather than inflict more damage. However, unwilling to face the certain wrath of Captain Janeway, his crew mutinied and seized control of the ship. The first officer, Burke, ordered Ransom thrown into the brig but instead, his captor, Marla Gilmore, took him to Engineering where he was able to beam her and five others, including a captive Seven and the doctor’s program, to Voyager. By then, the Equinox was once more under attack by the aliens, suffering mortal damage. With the warp core about to breach, Ransom’s last act was to angle his ship as far away as possible from Voyager before it exploded. 

On his return to his own vessel, Voyager’s EMH took a certain grim revenge in deleting the renegade Equinox’ doctor’s program permanently.

*****

Somehow, despite the odds, Captain Janeway had managed to save the day once again. However, she took no joy in her achievement, and Ransom’s death gave her equally little satisfaction. She had been wrong and she knew it. 

While she didn’t hesitate to reinstate Chakotay to the position of first officer, she never once found the courage to look him in the eye while she spoke the words. He was watching her carefully, she knew, with an air of wariness that he’d never shown her before. After the way she’d behaved, she could hardly blame him. Somehow, she was going to have to find a way to apologize for her outrageous actions, but as yet, there had been no opportunity.

Wandering across her bridge, still littered with broken bits of equipment, she paused at one side to pick up the ship’s dedication plaque, lying half-covered by debris. “Would you look at this?” she murmured softly, “It’s never fallen down before.”

From behind her, a large tanned hand reached around to grasp the plaque as Chakotay stepped to her side. Dusting it off, he held it up, then glanced at her. “Let’s put it back where it belongs.”

Janeway stared at him, his words clearly carrying a double meaning. Could it be that easy? Would he forgive her? Could he? Her eyes conveyed her uncertainty.

Smiling in reassurance, he moved to the wall and placed the plaque in its accustomed spot, holding it steady until the self-sealer activated. Letting go, he stepped back to admire it, then turned as her hand crept into his. His fingers tightened, letting her know that indeed, it was that easy. 

Relief poured through her and she suddenly found she had to fight back tears. “I don’t deserve you,” she whispered.

Chakotay’s smile broadened and he gave her hand one more squeeze before letting go. “I hear Neelix is organizing a party,” he told her. “I’m bringing a salad.”

Her smile matched his. “I’ll supply the croutons.”


	5. Part 5:  Delta Quadrant III

**2376-2378**

The journey continued.

In six years, Voyager had covered half the distance to the Alpha Quadrant. The crew had come to believe that it was no longer a matter of _if_ they would make it home, but _when_. And ‘when’ was a lot sooner than the original estimate of seventy years. With any luck, they would all see Federation space again before too many more years had passed.

It was during this year, the seventh of their long trip, that they were able to establish contact with Starfleet. The moment when the crew realized that the captain was actually speaking to Admiral Paris at Headquarters, in real time, was the best morale-booster any counselor could have ever devised. Once Voyager received Lieutenant Barclay’s data on how to re-create hyper-subspace technology and modified the communications system accordingly, regular contact with home became the highlight of every month. Even though the news wasn’t always good, the fact that the crew knew they were not alone, that their families and friends were aware they were alive and well, perked up everyone’s spirits. “We’ll get there” became a sort of mantra, used whenever someone seemed at all depressed. 

In the meantime, the crew had enough adventures that life aboard Voyager was never dull. Although the Borg seemed to have vanished for the time being, there were still plenty of other Delta Quadrant aliens to confront. The Hierarchy, the Vaadwaur, the Norcadians – the list went on and on. A few were friendly and willing to trade; most were not. By now, Voyager’s people were well accustomed to surviving in a hostile environment. Almost as a matter of course, they assumed that whatever race they encountered would attempt to steal their ship and technology, killing or enslaving the crew in the process. Occasionally, they were pleasantly surprised by a friendly species, which was genuinely interested in an exchange of goods as well as ideas. But those were few and far between. Most often, first contact consisted of a few well-placed shots across the bows of whatever vessels were currently attempting to shoot them down.

Over the course of the year, shipboard life settled into a comfortable routine, in which crises were considered a normal part of their existence. Although occasionally someone was injured, fortunately no one died. As Voyager approached the anniversary of her arrival in the Delta Quadrant, Captain Janeway was very grateful that this year at least, she would not have to add any names to the list of those crewmembers who had perished in the last six years.

On a personal level, the captain and commander were also able to reestablish their close relationship. Each had seen the worst side of the other – there were no more surprises. As Chakotay explained one evening when Kathryn’s guilty conscience prompted her to wonder aloud why he put up with her, he had learned to accept her for who she was. 

“I can’t say I’m happy about this streak of ruthlessness you display occasionally, but I guess that’s part of the price of survival in the Delta Quadrant,” he reassured her. “It won’t make me stop loving you, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

With his words, the haunted look in her eyes slowly abated. “I know I’ve told you this before,” she murmured softly, “but it deserves repeating. I could not make this journey and lead this crew if you weren’t here with me. I know I’ve been unfair to you, Chakotay, and treated you very badly at times….”

Reaching for her hands, he gripped them tightly between his. “Kathryn, listen to me. You’re a human being, which means from time to time, you will make mistakes. As long as you try to rectify them, that’s all anyone can ask.”

For a moment, she bowed her head, close to tears at the magnitude of his forgiving nature. She was so damn lucky to have him at her side, to be able to draw on his strength and love whenever she needed. “Someday,” she promised him, “when we get home, I’m going to make up to you for all that you’ve had to endure. Whatever you want, I will do everything in my power to give you.”

But Chakotay chuckled softly. “Kathryn, I’m not unhappy. How could I be when I’m here with you? You’re all I’ve ever wanted.” Leaning forward, he kissed her gently, then released her hands and rose to his feet. “It’s late and we both need to get some rest. See you in the morning.”

“Goodnight,” she replied, moving toward her bedroom as the outer door slid closed behind him. His gentle words had eased the ache in her heart, enough to let her fall asleep rather than tossing and turning all night, wracked with guilt, as she so often did. 

Lying in bed, her mind drifting, she tried to imagine what their lives would have been like if they’d never left the Alpha Quadrant. Not surprisingly, she quickly realized that, even if she could, she wouldn’t trade these turbulent years with Chakotay for a lifetime of the stability and security that she would have had with Mark.

*****

As had happened so often before, just as the crew began to believe that this time, the worst of the Delta Quadrant really was behind them, their lives were shattered yet again. An old enemy, the Borg, appeared in their path once more.

Unimatrix Zero. Such a technical name for a place of so much wonder and joy. When Janeway accompanied Seven there, through the medium of a bridging of minds facilitated by Tuvok, she was astonished at the sheer beauty of the place. A virtual construct it might be, but it was as close to utopia as any humanoid was ever likely to find. As soon as she arrived, she felt a sense of peace and contentment permeate her mind. No wonder the Borg queen wanted to destroy it. Such a place was the complete antithesis of everything the collective advocated. 

It seemed almost sacrilegious to plot the downfall of the Borg in such a marvelous spot, but there was no other way to communicate with the drones, or they with her and Seven. Grimly, they set about devising a plan to topple the collective, which would allow all drones to regain their independence. 

Seven’s close friend, Axum, together with his fellow conspirators had already designed a nanovirus which would hide the identities of all those who could access Unimatrix Zero. However, they had no means to deploy it, and they were running out of time, as the queen tracked down more and more of them. 

Janeway took his idea and modified it, adjusting the nanovirus so that in addition, it would permit the drones to retain their memories when they finished their regeneration cycles. Her part would be to devise a method of delivering the altered virus into the central plexus of a Borg cube, allowing it to instantly infect every other cube through the hive mind. From the start, she knew that the surest method of accomplishing this feat was to be inoculated with the virus and then allow herself to be assimilated.

When she broke the news of her plan to Chakotay, his face lost all colour as she described her role. “Kathryn,” he exclaimed in horror, “there must be another way! You can’t seriously be considering voluntary assimilation.”

Gripping her hands tightly together, she shook her head. “Believe me, Chakotay, I’ve examined every possibility and there isn’t. I don’t like the idea either, but we have to be sure that the Borg will be infected, and I can’t think of any other method that will guarantee results as well as this one. Someone has to do this, and that someone should be me.” 

He snatched at her last sentence. “Let me go. I can do this just as well as you….” His voice trailed off at the look of determination on her face.

“It’s my responsibility,” she declared forcefully. “I’m the captain. I won’t order anyone else to do this.” Eyes fixed on his face, she moved to stand in front of him. “We’ve had our disagreements, Chakotay, and I haven’t always followed your advice, but not this time. I won’t do this without your support, but before you make a decision, think about what’s at stake.”

Such an appeal to his sense of honour was impossible to resist. He was well aware that they could deal a crippling blow to the Borg, saving untold billions from the horrors of assimilation. One person was a small sacrifice to make in return, even if that person was Kathryn Janeway. Sighing resignedly, he nodded. “I’ll agree to your plan, Kathryn, but I don’t like it.”

His words brought a rueful smile to her face. “I know, neither do I. In fact, I’d almost talked myself out of it.”

“Somehow, I don’t think there was ever any danger of that.”

*****

An hour later, Seven located a cube in a nearby sector, indicating the Borg were present in the region. The senior staff gathered in engineering to discuss how best to implement the captain’s plan. However, when they heard what she proposed to do, Seven, Tuvok and Torres all objected simultaneously. 

“I should go,” declared Seven. “I have the most experience.”

“You’re needed here,” countered Janeway, “you’re our only connection with Unimatrix Zero.”

“Starfleet Tactical Directive 36,” cut in Tuvok. “ _‘The captain will not engage a hostile force without the protection of a security officer.’_ Our chances of success will increase if I go with you.”

Before the captain could respond, Torres interrupted. “You’ll need an engineer as well. Count me in.”

“B’Elanna….” Tom began to protest.

“Tactical Directive 36-A,” replied B’Elanna coolly, her eyes fixed on the captain.

“There’s no such directive,” argued Tom, his voice laced with sudden fear.

“There is now.” Her tone allowed no dissension.

Janeway gazed at their determined faces, her expression softening at their show of support. “I appreciate your loyalty,” she replied, “but I need to do this alone. The fewer people we put at risk, the better. You have your orders, now let’s get to work.”

However, a few minutes later, after she and Chakotay had left engineering and were walking to the turbolift, he caught her hand, swinging her around to face him. “Kathryn, I know I agreed to support you, but there are limits. Tuvok and B’Elanna are right – you’ll do better with them along.”

“And if I don’t?” Her voice held more than a hint of challenge.

He responded in kind. “I may only be the first officer, but I still pull a few strings around here.” His head tilted towards her. “The doctor could be persuaded to question your medical fitness….” He paused, knowing he had her cornered.

Her face twisted slightly. “I was hoping for your unconditional support.”

“Sorry, that’s as good as it gets.” His tone left her in no doubt that if she pushed him, he would carry through with his threat. This was one battle she wasn’t going to win.

“Very well,” she sighed. “Tell them to be ready at 0600 tomorrow morning.”

As she started toward the turbolift once more, Chakotay impulsively called her name softly. “Kathryn?”

Exasperated, she turned around. “What now, Commander?”

He smiled sweetly. “Have dinner with me tonight?”

At his words, the hard line of her mouth softened, curving slightly. “Of course. What time?”

“1930 hours, in my quarters. I want to make you something special.”

Her smile broadened. “You’ve got a date.”

*****

Over the course of the intervening hours in sickbay, Kathryn became increasingly anxious to escape the doctor’s endless instructions and advice. He was simply trying to prepare her for every eventuality, she knew, but the constant litany of worst case scenarios was depressing her to the point that she was ready to call the whole thing off. Only the fact that she’d already promised the desperate drones in Unimatrix Zero that she would help them in whatever way she could, made her continue with her preparations. Fortunately for him, he finally ran out of suggestions just as she was seriously considering taking him off-line. 

Patting her shoulder awkwardly, he tried to maintain a positive note, although he couldn’t quite hide the worry in his eyes. “I’m sure you’ll be fine, Captain, and the mission will be a success.”

“Agreed, Doctor,” she smiled gently; after all, he was doing his best to help her. “Thank you for all the advice. If we are successful, it will be due in no small part to you.” Quickly, she glanced at her chronometer. “Now, I have to go. I have an important meeting with the commander and I’m already running behind. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Captain,” replied the EMH, “and good luck.”

Waving a farewell, she strode out of sickbay, then bolted for the turbolift. She had exactly five minutes to get changed out of her uniform and present herself at Chakotay’s quarters. 

Although she was almost ten minutes late appearing at his door, Chakotay had planned for her tardy arrival, and was just lighting two tall tapers on his small dining table when his door chimed. “Enter.”

The door slid open, allowing Kathryn to hurry inside. “Sorry to be late,” she apologized, “the doctor….” Her voice trailed off as her nose inhaled the wonderful odors coming from across the room. “Have you actually cooked?!” she asked in incredulous delight.

Smiling, he picked up a bottle of wine and poured them each a glass. “I thought I’d try to make tonight a special evening,” he told her by way of explanation. “So I prepared a meal for us in the galley. I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to convince Neelix to let me loose among his pots and pans, but once I explained why, he was more than willing to let me do whatever I liked.”

“Oh, Chakotay! That was very thoughtful of you.” Her eyes were shining with pleasure as she sipped the wine. “What are we having?”

“It’s one of my favourites, from a recipe my mother used to make whenever someone in the family needed an extra bit of love and attention.”

“Comfort food,” declared Kathryn.

“Yes, that describes it very well,” he agreed. “It doesn’t have a name, just ‘Mama’s special stew’. It’s always served with cornbread and a green salad.” He grinned at her. “And especially for you, I also found the recipe for your mother’s caramel brownies in your database. They’re replicated, though, as I didn’t have time to bake them.”

Setting down her glass, she stepped up to him and put her arms around his waist, burying her face in his chest. “Thank you,” she whispered, her voice close to breaking.

Chakotay wrapped her tightly in his embrace, pressing a light kiss into her hair. “Tonight, I want you to be happy,” he murmured in reply.

After a moment, Kathryn lifted her head to gaze up at him. Tears of gratitude filled her eyes, but only one escaped to slide slowly down her cheek.

Very tenderly, Chakotay bent and kissed it away, his mouth barely grazing her skin. 

For a moment, she hesitated, then exhaled slowly. Tonight, she would put aside all her responsibilities and duties, and be just Kathryn. Reaching up, she pulled his head close enough to allow her lips to caress his mouth.

Chakotay needed no further invitation. Crushing her even tighter, he pressed down firmly on her mouth, deepening the kiss, before sliding the tip of his tongue across her teeth. An instant later, his tongue was inside her mouth, entwined with hers, wringing a moan of desire from her.

Several long moments passed before they raised their heads to gasp for breath. 

“Seems a shame to waste such a lovely dinner,” muttered Kathryn. “Maybe we should go eat….” Her voice faded as Chakotay bent to lick the erogenous spot behind her ear. “On the other hand, we could probably reheat it later, couldn’t we?”

“Mmm,” was his only answer.

Giving herself up to the moment, she twined her arms more firmly around his neck. Her last rational thought was that in light of what the next day was going to bring, tonight they both needed this. 

*****

Very early the following morning, Kathryn was roused by Chakotay’s movement beside her in the bed. Disoriented by the unfamiliar layout of the room, for a second, she couldn’t think where she was. However, even as she turned her head in puzzlement, his familiar scent reminded her that she never had returned to her quarters. Rolling over to face him, she gazed lovingly on his features, once more relaxed in sleep. Her heart ached at the thought that this might be the last time she ever woke up beside him, but then her iron determination came to the fore. She would beat the Borg at their own game, if for no other reason than that she had no intention of abandoning either her crew or this man next to her, whom she loved so deeply. Very gently, she traced his tattoo, her fingers hardly touching his skin. “I promise you,” she murmured softly, “I will come back to you.”

Sighing, she eased away from him, then slid carefully out of bed, anxious not to wake him. Silently, she moved into the other room, retrieving her clothing, before ordering a site-to-site transport to her quarters. Very soon after, showered and dressed, she was on her way to the bridge.

An hour later, Chakotay gradually woke up, unsure at first whether the vivid memory of Kathryn in his bed had been merely a dream. However, her scent lingered on the pillow beside him, and he knew her presence had been no dream. For several moments, he lay still, savoring memories of the night before, memories which might have to last him a lifetime. That thought was enough to galvanize him into motion – they had so little time left and here he was wasting it, lolling about in bed. Hurriedly, he went through his morning routine before departing for the bridge. He didn’t even have to ask the computer to know that was where she would be.

Although Chakotay was nearly half an hour early for the official start of his shift, as soon as he arrived on the bridge, he noticed that most of the senior officers had already appeared. Apparently, everyone felt a need to be at their posts extra early this morning.

In her chair, glancing through reports, Kathryn spared him a quick smile before returning her gaze to the data displayed before her. 

_‘Except for a slight increase in tension,’_ Chakotay thought as he took his seat, _‘today might be just another normal day in the Delta Quadrant.’_

Their peace lasted another five minutes until Tuvok shattered it. “Long-range sensors are detecting a Borg cube on an intercept course.”

Automatically, the entire bridge crew stiffened at the ominous words, which invariably heralded trouble. No one spoke, the tense silence broken only by an occasional beep as sensors tracked the cube. 

“We’re in visual range,” stated Tuvok several minutes later, his voice almost unnaturally loud.

Ignoring the building tension, Janeway ordered in a firm tone, “Magnify.”

On the viewscreen loomed the familiar threatening shape of the cube, clearly aimed straight for them. 

Taking deep breaths, Chakotay fought to keep his emotions under tight control. Although he had seen cubes before, several times in fact, knowing what was coming made this one appear even more menacing. His eyes flickered sideways to Kathryn, whose face was turned resolutely forward, her attention focused intently on the screen. At that moment, he wanted nothing more than to pull her into his arms and never let her go. Silently, his heart cried out to her in deepest anguish, begging her not to leave him. Biting his lip forcefully, he pushed down all feeling, determined to maintain a façade of calm control. At this moment, on her bridge, it was the only gift she would accept from him. Although the effort nearly killed him, he would do this for her.

“Torres to bridge.” B’Elanna’s voice echoed across the command deck.

“Go ahead,” replied Kathryn, her voice steady.

“The Delta Flyer is ready for launch.”

“On my way.” 

Placing both hands on the armrests, Kathryn made to stand before abruptly slumping back in the chair. Almost fearfully, her eyes sought Chakotay’s, silently begging for support and reassurance that what she was about to do would be successful. “Guess I’d better be going,” she muttered, her voice betraying her reluctance.

Attempting to keep the mood light, he smiled gently and replied, “Anything you’d like done around here while you’re gone? Gravity plating recalibrated? Carpets cleaned?” The words meant nothing; while he spoke, his eyes were fixed on hers, sending silent messages of his profound love for her that would never waver, no matter what happened to them. 

For a moment, Kathryn stared back just as intently, then suddenly stretched out her hand. Without thinking, Chakotay reached to take it, grasping her fingers tightly, giving unstintingly of his strength which she would need in her coming ordeal. 

“Surprise me,” she whispered, the fear deep in her eyes belying her light tone.

Desperately, she hung on to his hand, loath to let go even when she rose to her feet. Standing up with her, he held on just as firmly, invigorating her, willing into her every bit of stamina and courage he could. 

For a few more seconds, their fingers clung together tenaciously before she relaxed her grip and released him. “You have the bridge, Commander,” she ordered in a calm voice. Still their eyes remained glued to each other, unwilling to look aside for even an instant. 

_‘Kathryn!’_ he screamed inside, his heart close to breaking, but his steady expression never changed. He remained standing as Kathryn finally turned away enough to navigate the steps to the upper level, collecting a silent Tuvok as she headed for the turbolift.

A last glance was exchanged before the doors slid closed, breaking their connection. Hardly able to breathe past the lump in his throat, Chakotay nearly collapsed into his chair, fighting to hold back the emotions threatening to overwhelm him. At this moment, he wanted nothing more than to curl up in some dark place and cover his head, but he couldn’t. The captain had given him her ship and her crew; it was up to him to look after them as best he could until she returned.

*****

Waiting. 

Watching on sensors as the Flyer approached the cube, closer and closer.

Waiting.

“They’re inside,” reported the doctor, his tone curiously triumphant.

Waiting.

Voyager shuddering with the impact of Borg weapons fire against the shields.

From ops. “Direct hit on the port nacelle! We’re venting plasma!”

“Should I back us off?” queried Tom in an oddly soft tone.

“Not yet,” replied Chakotay, pacing slowly across the command deck. “We need to stay close.”

Waiting.

Again, from the doctor, his tone now a mixture of fear and relief. “Their lifesigns are destabilizing.” 

Another strike on the shields.

Although Chakotay knew there was no point in staying longer, he vacillated, reluctant to give the order. However, the ship was suffering needless damage – it was time to go. Somehow, he forced out the words. “You can take us out of here, Tom.” 

Although his expression was grim, without hesitation, Tom Paris engaged warp drive. 

Instantly, the ship leaped forward.

*****

Minutes crawled by slowly, seeming like hours, as Voyager’s crew waited for the moment when the virus would infect the collective.

“Time?” asked Chakotay finally.

“Seventeen minutes. We should have heard something by now,” complained Paris.

“Their higher brain functions are stable,” interjected the doctor, from where he was monitoring the sensor readouts.

_‘Small comfort,’_ thought Chakotay, unable to stop his imagination from picturing Kathryn as a drone. Her body pierced with Borg implants, limbs cut off, eyes removed…. _‘Spirits, no!’_ Desperately, he forced himself to focus on the ship, their plan, anything, to get those images out of his mind. But all he could do was wait.

*****

Waiting.

In the ready room, Chakotay sat at Kathryn’s desk, trying to maintain a tight grip on his emotions. He wasn’t sure how successful he was. In here, where every inch of the room – the walls, the floor, the desk, table, sofa, everything – reeked of her presence, he was almost overwhelmed by a torrent of feelings. Love, joy, laughter, anger, misery, resignation, determination, resoluteness – he’d experienced them all and more in here. His mind turning inwards as he focused on memories, he presented a picture of calm, although inside, he felt anything but. It was a relief when the door chimed.

“Enter.”

Tom Paris strode in, his face displaying every emotion that Chakotay was feeling. However, despite his obvious impatience, Tom made an effort to observe the pleasantries before getting down to business. “Busy?”

“What’s on your mind?” replied Chakotay, even though it was perfectly obvious why Paris had appeared.

“The away team. The plan was to give them two hours. It’s been two and a half.” 

Chakotay bit back a retort – did Paris think he wasn’t aware down to the millisecond how long the away team had been gone? “The doctor’s keeping an eye on them. We’ll give them a little more time.” Getting to his feet, he added, “Unfortunately, things don’t always go according to plan.”

But Paris hadn’t finished. His eyes bored into Chakotay with an intensity at odds with his casual tone of voice. “You know, it occurs to me that with you in command and Tuvok off the ship, that makes me first officer – technically speaking.” 

Aware he would probably regret asking, nevertheless Chakotay allowed Paris to continue. “What’s your point?”

Tom got into the meat of his argument. “It’s my duty to give you an opinion, and in my opinion, I think we should pull them out now before it’s too late.”

“I appreciate your diligence, but I’ve made my decision. We wait.” Fervently, Chakotay hoped Paris would leave the matter at that – he should have known better.

Leaning forward on the desk, Tom’s voice raised with annoyance. “How long? A day? A week?!”

Chakotay shrugged noncommittally. “As long as it takes.”

Tom didn’t bother to conceal his anger. “This mission isn’t worth their lives!” 

Keeping a firm hold on his own temper, Chakotay replied in a tight voice. “You’ve made your point.”

Disgustedly, Tom turned away toward the door, muttering. “Apparently not.”

That did it! “Lieutenant!” rang out Chakotay’s voice, making Tom turn back to face him. “A first officer could get in a lot of trouble talking to his captain that way.” He was trying very hard to keep their discussion professional, but Paris had an absolute genius for getting under his skin, usually at the worst possible time. 

In a voice bordering on insubordination, Tom retorted, “I’ve learned from the best.” 

Gritting his teeth, Chakotay fought down his anger, trying to be conciliatory. “I appreciate your concerns, Tom, but I need your support on this.”

To his relief, Paris nodded, accepting the olive branch. “Aye, sir.” Without another word, he spun around and left the ready room.

With a heavy sigh, Chakotay collapsed into the chair behind the desk.

*****

Long periods of waiting interspersed with brief, frantic bouts of fighting with the Borg cube. 

At times, Chakotay felt as if he were in some surreal universe, where nothing happened as expected. Friends became the enemy; enemies became allies, and somehow, through it all, he had to find a way to retrieve the away team. When sensors went down, his heart plummeted to his boots, only to soar upward in relief when Neelix reported he was able to partially restore them. 

From there, his emotions went into a tailspin at the sight of a flickering projection of Kathryn in sickbay, telling him Unimatrix Zero could no longer exist. Desperately, he clamped down on all feeling in order to concentrate on what she wasn’t saying. He knew her so well; even in holographic form, he had no trouble understanding her underlying message – destroy Unimatrix Zero. 

There was no question he would obey – what else could he do? But underlying his steady voice was a thread of fear that he was permanently condemning the away team to the collective. Who knew what would happen when virtual reality ceased to exist?

However, to his profound relief, at the moment Unimatrix Zero disappeared, Neelix announced joyfully. “I’m picking up the away team!”

A second later, Harry confirmed the readings. “I’m isolating their biosignatures.”

“Get a lock,” ordered Chakotay, hope flaring that Voyager’s transporter could now bring them home. However, his optimism was premature. 

“I can’t penetrate their inner shields!” exclaimed Harry in frustration.

_‘Spirits! Would this nightmare never end?’_

After yet another exchange of phaser fire, by which time Chakotay’s self-control was ready to snap, a Borg sphere manned by renegade drones arrived, offering assistance. With the additional firepower, the cube was destroyed and the away team recovered. 

His muscles stiff with tension, Chakotay ordered Tom to set a course for the Alpha Quadrant before sitting back wearily in his chair. With the ship and crew safe from the Borg, finally, he could relax. 

*****

After going over preliminary damage reports, as well as writing a brief report of his own, Chakotay finally turned the bridge over to Lieutenant Ayala and headed to deck five. If he were honest, he would admit he’d been stalling, actually afraid to venture down to sickbay for fear of what he’d see. The idea of Kathryn as a drone was so appalling that he was forced to make a determined effort to overcome his revulsion. In the end, what drove him to visit her was the thought of her disappointment if she woke up to find him absent from her side. Up to now, every time she’d been injured, he had been there beside her biobed when she regained consciousness. He couldn’t let her down now merely because of his own squeamishness.

Striding down the corridor, he hurried into sickbay, determined to get it over with. Maybe it wouldn’t be too bad; maybe the doctor had already removed the implants…. 

As the door closed behind him, Chakotay’s eyes flew around the main bay, coming to rest on the nearest biobed where Torres rested on her back. He knew immediately it was B’Elanna – even assimilation by the collective couldn’t hide her brow ridges. To his relief, although she had no hair, her face appeared to be unmarked, with no sign of recent surgery to remove any implants.

His hopes rising that Kathryn would be in the same condition, he moved further into the bay with a bit more confidence. 

Tuvok’s dark skin identified him as easily as Torres’ brow ridges, and Chakotay continued on to the third biobed.

There, curled up on her side, was Kathryn, her face turned away from him. At his approach, she rolled over but didn’t look at him; now he could see the full extent of her impairment. Part of her face, including one of her eyes, was hidden by bandages, she was completely bald, and an implant, a cylinder of some kind, stuck out from above her right ear. The only recognizable part of her head was her chin – that stubborn, pointed chin which he’d always thought defined Kathryn Janeway. 

As he took in the full extent of her injuries, Chakotay gasped with horror. Although she wasn’t missing any limbs – and thank the spirits for that! – her injuries were as bad as anything he’d imagined in the long hours while she’d been gone. His gaze traveled slowly over her small frame, which suddenly looked very fragile lying there, finally coming to rest on her poor, mangled face. “Oh, Kathryn,” he breathed, “What have they done to you?”

“Not pretty, is it?” commented the doctor, obviously overhearing Chakotay’s dismay as he came up behind him. “Don’t worry, though. I’ll soon have her looking much more like the captain you know.” His voice was almost too cheerful, as if removing Borg implants were part of normal life.

At the sound of their voices, Kathryn moaned slightly and opened her one good eye. Much to Chakotay’s relief, it was still the same dark blue it had always been. “Ohhh….” she groaned as her body made her aware of all that it had undergone in the last few hours. “I think I’m getting too old for this sort of thing.”

At her words, he visibly relaxed. The figure on the biobed might not look much like Kathryn right at the moment, but underneath, she was still there and very much alive. Stretching out a hand, he grasped her fingers gently. “I’m glad to hear it. Now maybe you’ll start listening to your first officer when he tells you to stay on the bridge.” 

“Don’t bet on it,” she retorted, before grimacing in sudden pain. “On the other hand, you may have a point.”

“What is it?!” exclaimed Chakotay worriedly. 

“The captain’s back is still very tender where the Borg spinal clamps were attached,” interjected the EMH. “If she moves even a little bit, the pain is excruciating.”

Chakotay gazed at her, making no attempt to hide his concern. “Kathryn?” he muttered.

Taking a deep breath, she clutched his hand tightly. “I’m fine, Chakotay, just a little sore.”

“You don’t look fine,” he retorted bluntly.

That remark earned him a scowl but a moment later, she was gasping in pain. 

Quickly, the doctor injected her with a strong sedative and painkiller. “There, that should help.”

“Thank you, Doctor,” Kathryn murmured softly as her eyes drifted closed. Gradually, her body relaxed into sleep, her hand easing its grasp on his fingers.

“Don’t worry,” reassured the doctor, “the captain and Lieutenant Torres will make a full recovery. In a couple of days, you’ll never know they’d ever been assimilated.”

“What about Tuvok?” 

“That will take a little longer. The Borg queen managed to overwhelm Tuvok’s defenses, allowing her to fully assimilate him. Fortunately, we were able to retrieve him before the damage became too severe to repair. With time, he too will recover completely.

For a moment, Chakotay’s eyes lingered on Kathryn, before he nodded. “Thank you, Doctor. Please keep me updated on their condition.” As he spoke, he turned for the door.

“Very good, Commander.”

*****

Life went on.

Within days, Voyager, along with her crew, had recovered completely from the confrontation with the Borg, resuming normal operations and continuing the journey toward the Alpha Quadrant.

It always amazed Kathryn how every member of her crew was able to absorb the most brutal blows, yet always bounce back. They made it appear almost too easy, as if constantly fighting for their lives was simply part of daily life. Perhaps out here it was, she reflected, as she sat down in her ready room one morning a week later. Shaking her head at the amazing resiliency of her crew, she picked up a PADD from the top of the pile on her desk. One constant of every Starfleet vessel was the never-ending production of reports – that was a part of daily life, too. Chuckling to herself, she settled down to read.

*****

Inevitably, the crew faced more crises – that was a fact of life in the Delta Quadrant. However, no matter how dire the situation, how terrifying the enemy, they always knew they could count on each other. Every person on board had complete faith in his or her fellow officers; their mutual trust was the bedrock upon which the ship functioned.

However, there came a day, some weeks after the confrontation with the Borg, when their loyalty to each other was challenged in a way it hadn’t ever been before, even at the very beginning of their journey. In a matter of days, the harmony of Voyager’s close-knit family was replaced by suspicion and distrust.

It began with a series of inexplicable physical attacks on the Maquis members of the crew. After a thorough investigation by Tuvok in his role as chief of security, an investigation which only led to more questions, it was discovered that Tuvok himself was the perpetrator. 

Stunned and unsure what to do, the captain decided her first priority was to try to work with Tuvok in order to acquire more information and learn how and why he was attacking the Maquis. As a result, she forgot to pay attention to the victims of his assaults until it was too late and she had lost control of her ship.

*****

Kathryn Janeway sat in the cell recently occupied by Tuvok, trying desperately to make sense of what was going on.

An hour ago, Chakotay – Chakotay, for heavens’ sake! – had turned on her, shot her security officer, pointed his phaser at her face and hustled her into her own brig. Rubbing her hand across her eyes, she paused in her musings as a shadow darkened the open space at the front of the cell. Nervously, her eyes flew up to see Lieutenant Ayala standing in front of the control panel at one side. A second later and the force field dropped. Immediately, Kathryn forgot everything else as she sought to find a means of escape. However, Ayala’s gaze remained trained on her as he carefully placed a tray of food and water on the floor before withdrawing. Quickly, the force field flashed on again. Damn! Kathryn slumped back on the small cot, her hopes dashed. 

Round and round revolved the thoughts uselessly in her brain, flitting from one topic to another, but always leading back to Chakotay’s unimaginable betrayal. She should have known something was wrong, she chastised herself bitterly, from the moment he’d said “your crew” to her in sickbay two days earlier. His eyes alone should have been enough to warn her, but in all the confusion and concern over one crewmember after another being assaulted, she’d had no time to think about what his suddenly closed expression might mean. _‘Oh Chakotay!’_ she mentally wailed to herself. _‘How could you?!’_ A moment later, her reasonable side kicked in. _‘He is not in control of his actions. He can’t help what he’s doing.’_

Sighing heavily, she rubbed her eyes again, then pinched her nose in a futile effort to ignore the incipient headache. On top of that, she thought, there was the whole issue of Tuvok’s betrayal. Her old friend, whom she had always trusted implicitly. In a way, he was the reason why Voyager was in the Delta Quadrant in the first place. If she hadn’t been sent on a mission to retrieve him from the clutches of the Maquis – of Chakotay – her life would never have been turned upside down. And she would be sitting safely at home in San Francisco, no doubt married to Mark. _‘Oh god!’_ flashed the thought through her head, _‘what a boring prospect.’_ Despite her current dilemma, she couldn’t regret the past six and a half years, although at times she did wish her life in the Delta Quadrant was a little less eventful. _‘No, you don’t,’_ whispered her traitorous brain, _‘remember how miserable you were in the void! That was dreadful!’_ Her mind jumped once more to her present predicament. Oh god, what was she going to do?! She had to find a way out of this mess, but how?

Feeling Ayala’s watchful gaze on her, she focused her eyes on her boots and attempted to think rationally. But try as she might, she could see no way out of this horrible situation. Through the medium of mind control, she was completely at the mercy of a mad Bajoran vedek, thirty five thousand light years away. Unconsciously, she sighed again. How much worse could this get?

No sooner had that thought settled in her brain than the door from the corridor slid open, admitting Crewman Josa. Indicating Janeway with his phaser rifle, the Bajoran ordered Ayala to drop the force field. “Chakotay wants her,” he explained briefly as he stepped forward, holding the rifle at the ready.

Nodding, Ayala silently complied.

Josa moved beside the cell. “Captain,” he began, automatically using her rank, “come with me.”

“Why?” she demanded, on her feet but unwilling to move until she had some idea what was going on. “If Chakotay wants to talk to me, why can’t he come here?”

Again, Josa waved the phaser rifle in her direction. “He ordered me to bring you to the ready room,” he replied, as if that explained everything.

Briefly, Kathryn debated whether to argue further, maybe even try to break through Teero’s hold over them, before abandoning the idea. Better to talk to Chakotay; she knew him so well that the possibility of sundering the grip Teero’s mind control had on him would be much more likely to succeed.

Feeling a little more optimistic, Kathryn strode decisively out of the cell, her head high. She might be a prisoner, but by golly! she was still the captain and no one better forget it! At her glare, Ayala automatically retreated slightly before remembering their changed roles. However, he continued to stand where he was, behind the main console.

As she preceded Josa into the corridor, Kathryn moved with a determined stride towards the turbolift, trying to ignore the phaser rifle pointed at her back. If she were lucky, maybe she could catch Josa off-guard and wrestle the rifle away from him. However, a swift glance over her shoulder found his eyes focused steadily on her, obviously watching for just such a move. She would have to wait.

A few moments later, they arrived at the corridor entrance to the ready room, activating the door but not moving forward. 

Confused, Kathryn looked at her companion but he said nothing. From inside, she could hear the murmur of familiar voices, immediately recognizing Chakotay’s soft tenor as well as Tuvok’s deeper baritone. At once, she strained to hear what was being said but her efforts were useless. Try as she might, she couldn’t quite make out what they were discussing. A moment later, however, she heard Chakotay call out clearly, “Bring her in.”

Instantly, Josa gently nudged her forward with the tip of the phaser rifle.

Her head jutting forward, eyes glaring with anger, Kathryn slowly walked into her own ready room to find Tuvok and Chakotay standing together on the upper level, each holding a glass. Apparently, they’d been drinking, which seemed quite out of character for them both. What was going on? What did they want with her?

Ignoring her, Chakotay reached in his belt to pull out his phaser and set it before handing it to Tuvok. “Consider this a test of your loyalty,” he challenged, “it’s set to kill.”

Kathryn forced back a gasp of horror. “You said you wouldn’t hurt anyone!” she protested angrily, her eyes focused on Chakotay.

Still ignoring her, he prompted the Vulcan. “Tuvok…?”

Carefully, Tuvok set down his glass on the coffee table before turning to face Kathryn. Without the slightest hesitation, he raised his arm, pointing the phaser at her head.

_‘Oh god, no!’_ screamed every fibre of her being. _‘No, Tuvok!’_

Making a supreme effort to keep her voice steady, she looked him straight in the eye. “You are in control of your actions, not Chakotay, not Teero. Don’t do this!”

However, like Chakotay, Tuvok ignored her protests and pressed down on the firing button. There was a faint sizzle of static, but no beam. “This phaser is defective,” he remarked calmly as he handed it back to Chakotay. 

With a quick jerk of his head, Chakotay nodded to the corridor exit. “Take her back to the brig,” he ordered Josa, before turning to the desk and picking up a PADD.

Trying to keep her knees from buckling, Kathryn walked slowly out the door. Moments later, she was back in her cell, with Ayala once again raising the force field. Uncaring now of appearances, she collapsed onto the cot in shock, as the reality of what had just transpired set in. 

They had tried to kill her! She couldn’t believe it! The man who loved her more than life itself, with whom she had an unbreakable bond of faith and trust, had just ordered one of her best friends to kill her, and he had obeyed implicitly. The two people whom she trusted most on this ship! Rolling on to her side to face the wall, she curled up in a ball as the enormity of their betrayal nearly overwhelmed her.

A few tears escaped to slide down her cheeks before she brought her emotions under control. However, the horror of her situation continued to haunt her. _‘What am I going to do?!’_ she thought frantically. _‘How can I fight against a force so evil, so all-pervading?’_ In abject misery, she lay quiet, unable to comprehend such appalling treachery.

Some time later, while her mind was still mired in a black pit of despair, she heard the door open. Although she wasn’t sure if she even cared what happened now, force of habit drove her to her feet. Before her stood Tuvok and Chakotay, the latter deactivating the force field. At this point, all she could think was _‘Oh god! Now what?!’_ She couldn’t have been more surprised when Chakotay extended his hand, obviously inviting her out of the cell.

“I thought you might like your ship back,” he spoke almost conversationally, as if he hadn’t ordered her execution less than half an hour before.

Not wanting to look a gift horse in the mouth, Kathryn wasted no time in questioning this sudden turn of events; obviously, something had happened to restore both officers to sanity. She could find out the details later, but right now, she had a ship to retake. However, as she passed Chakotay, she couldn’t resist glaring at him with a look that could have melted titanium. “No more rebellion?” she growled. 

Although he didn’t respond, his guilty start at her words told her she’d struck a nerve. Good! She would deal with him presently.

*****

Once Tuvok mind-melded with the remaining Maquis who had fallen under Teero’s control, the mutiny was over. Several officers, including Lieutenant Ayala and Crewman Josa, requested brief meetings with the captain in order to apologize for their actions. 

To each one, she made the same reply. “It wasn’t your fault. I know you had no control over your actions.” The warm smile that accompanied her words reassured them that she really had forgiven them.

An hour later, Tuvok arrived, his face even more emotionless than usual. “Captain,” he intoned as she invited him into the ready room. “I wish to apologize for my unseemly behaviour. It – ” 

Kathryn interrupted. “Tuvok, it’s over. Let’s put all this behind us and move forward.”

As he began to protest, she cut him off again. “No one knows better than I how hard you tried to break Teero’s control, and you succeeded. You saved Voyager, Tuvok, you saved all of us. You have nothing to apologize for. Now, let’s get back to running the ship, all right?”

Recognizing that his captain didn’t wish to discuss the incident further, Tuvok moved smoothly on to discuss the ship’s status.

Once he’d left some twenty minutes later, Kathryn sat back in her chair, finally able to believe the whole sorry mess was over. However, there was one person who had not yet put in an appearance – Chakotay. Wondering if he might be on the bridge, she walked out of her ready room. However, a quick glance around the deck showed her that beta shift was on duty. Nodding to the command officer, who had started to rise to his feet, she kept moving to the turbolift. Once inside, she asked the computer for Chakotay’s whereabouts.

“Commander Chakotay is in his quarters.”

Frowning, Kathryn ordered the lift to deck three. A moment later, she was walking down the corridor towards her cabin. As she passed his door, she slowed, debating whether to confront him. However, she wasn’t at all sure if either of them was ready yet for the inevitable showdown. She continued to her own door where she paused once more to look back. On impulse, she spun around to retrace her steps. The sooner they got this over with, the sooner they could get back to normal. Before she could change her mind once more, she pressed his door chime.

When nothing happened, she lifted her hand to press it again. However, at the same moment, the door slid open.

Moving forward hesitantly, Kathryn stepped into the darkened room, which was lit only by the stars outside flashing by at warp speed. As her eyes adjusted, she spotted a form, huddled on the couch.

“Chakotay?” she murmured diffidently.

A loud sigh sounded from the couch before he rose slowly to his feet.

Squinting in the gloom, she asked. “Can we have some light in here?”

“Computer, lights at one quarter illumination.” Chakotay’s voice was hoarse and low-pitched, edged with a scratchy quality.

Although soft, the lighting was enough to show Kathryn his anguished features, causing her to gasp in shock. His eyes were red-rimmed and sunken deep within their sockets, his face drawn with misery. Although his cheeks were dry, she could easily make out traces of recent tears. “Oh, Chakotay!” she exclaimed, automatically moving forward, arms outstretched to comfort him. Every thought of anger and recrimination flew out of her head at the sight of his terrible distress.

Holding out his hands, he tried to ward her off. “Kathryn, I don’t deserve any sympathy. What I did – ” 

Ignoring his protest, she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled his head down onto her shoulder. “Ssh, sweetheart, it’s all right. Hold on to me.”

A violent shudder ran through his body as he clung to her, his face buried in her neck, letting her soothe and calm him.

Rubbing his back rhythmically, she continued to whisper words of love and encouragement, feeling her skin grow damp with his tears. “It’s over, Chakotay. Everything will be all right.”

After a few minutes, he lifted his head to gaze at her. “Spirits, Kathryn, how can you say that? I told Tuvok to kill you! How can you simply brush that aside?”

Letting her arms drop, she stepped back and reached for his hand to lead him to the couch, then sat down beside him. “It’s very simple, really. I love you.”

“I don’t know how you still can,” he replied, obviously unconvinced she could forgive him so readily. 

Extending a hand, she grasped his chin firmly and looked him straight in the eye. “A year ago, Chakotay, you forgave me. Now, it’s my turn.” At his soft gasp of understanding, her face broke into a warm smile. Leaning nearer, she brought her lips close enough to brush his in a gentle kiss.

“Thank you,” he murmured when she moved back.

Her eyes searched his. “Would you like me to stay tonight?”

But he shook his head. “No, although don’t think I don’t appreciate the offer. But tonight, I think I need to go on a vision quest.”

Nodding, she rose to her feet, her mouth curved in his favourite smile. “Then I’ll say goodnight.” Her hand moved to caress his cheek before she turned for the door.

“Sleep well, Kathryn,” he murmured.

As the door opened, she turned and gave him a relieved grin. “I will now.”

*****

Over the next few months, superficially at least, the command team resumed their close friendship. But friendship was all it was. On a deeper level, something had changed; the spark that had always flashed between them, powering their unique relationship, had disappeared. 

At first, Kathryn was hardly conscious of its loss. When she did realize that the dynamics of their relationship had altered, she put it down to residual feelings of distrust which, apparently, she still harboured in her subconscious. She loved Chakotay deeply but she was no longer aware of the intense physical craving she’d always felt in his presence or the sense she’d so often had of losing herself in the warmth of his eyes. Unsure of his feelings, she hesitated to say anything, afraid she might regret raising the subject. In the end, she did nothing, hoping that eventually they would somehow find their way back to each other.

For his part, Chakotay was even more uncertain. He yearned for Kathryn desperately, yet was very aware that a certain reserve had crept into her manner towards him. Still feeling dreadfully guilty, he believed he was in no position to force a confrontation. He would have to wait for her to make the first move, all the while praying that he hadn’t lost her for good.

Matters continued to drift between them for some time, leading the crew to speculate that perhaps the great romance of the Delta Quadrant had finally sputtered out.

*****

Seven of Nine strode through the corridor on deck six, her goal holodeck two. After considerable preparation, her new holoprogram, Seven Alpha Three, the latest of several ‘socializing’ programs, was ready. Her heart fluttered and she found herself rubbing the palms of her hands against her legs. Arriving at her destination, she nervously ordered the computer to run the program. The doors slid open. As she entered, her catsuit was covered by a standard science uniform of blue, and her implants disappeared. The room around her was a simulation of standard crew quarters on Voyager but containing only a bed and a couch, without any kind of décor.

A moment later, the chime rang and at her command, the door opened to admit Neelix, who bustled in cheerfully. “Seven!” he exclaimed excitedly, glancing quickly about his surroundings before starting to offer numerous suggestions on how to decorate the room. 

While he was still tossing out ideas, the chime rang again. This time, the door opened to reveal the imposing figure of Voyager’s first officer, holding a large bag in one hand.

“Commander Chakotay!” Seven greeted him warmly.

“Am I interrupting?”

“Not at all. Please come in.” Seven’s manner was gracious to a fault as she welcomed her second guest.

Reaching into the bag, he pulled out a circular object decorated with feathers. His smile seemed to embrace her as he spoke. “I’ve brought you a housewarming gift.”

Her smile matched his as she accepted it. “Thank you. A dream catcher. According to Native American mythology, it wards off nightmares.”

His eyebrow rose approvingly. “I’m impressed.”

Her smile broadened. “I have familiarized myself with your culture.” 

Sensing that he had become the odd man out, Neelix made haste to depart.

After he’d gone, under the guise of evaluating her work, Seven issued a dinner invitation to the commander for the following evening.

His eyes raking over her, he accepted at once, promising not only to bring the wine but requisition a replicator for her as well.

Very soon after his departure, the computer’s voice echoed through the nearly empty room. “Warning. Your holodeck time is about to expire.”

Hurriedly, Seven ended the program and encrypted it to ensure that no one glancing through the list of holoprograms might run it accidentally. Her dream of a romance with Chakotay was not something she wished to share with anyone.

*****

Over the next week, Seven spent nearly all her time on the holodeck, indulging her newly-discovered passion for the commander. To anyone who might ask what she was doing, she had an answer prepared – research. However, no one questioned her outright until the doctor discovered her lying unconscious in the simulation, with the holographic Chakotay hovering over her in concern. 

Once the doctor realized that the Chakotay he was conversing with was a hologram, it didn’t take him long to put two and two together. However, citing doctor-patient confidentiality, Seven bound him to secrecy. Frightened by her own feelings, she had already decided to end her experiments in intimate human relations. 

Her secret would have remained undiscovered if the captain hadn’t decided to examine Seven’s ‘research’ in a little more detail. Intrigued by the idea of a new gravimetric array, Kathryn worked through the list of Seven’s programs, over-riding encryptions as she activated each one in turn. 

At first, she was merely puzzled, thinking that Seven’s tastes were certainly broadening. However, when she discovered what the former drone had been doing with Chakotay, she exploded in fury. Without pausing to consider the cause of her extreme anger, she demanded that Seven report immediately to her ready room. Her tone of voice left no doubt about the subject to be discussed.

Although feeling very nervous, a state of mind disconcerting in itself, Seven knew she had no choice but to obey. All the assumptions she’d been using to rationalize her recent behaviour suddenly appeared to be very flimsy. In self-defense, she fell back into her Borg persona, striding self-confidently onto the bridge and down the steps to the door of the ready room. Although she might be feeling apprehensive, she was making very sure no one around her could possibly detect it. 

Watching her from his chair, Chakotay wondered vaguely why she wanted to see the captain, before dismissing the subject as the latest engineering report reclaimed his attention. If Kathryn wanted him to know, she would tell him in good time.

The door opened to admit Seven and she stalked into the ready room, her defenses up. 

Kathryn was seated behind her desk, her eyes studying a PADD. For a moment, she remained silent before looking up, her narrowed eyes and thinned lips clear evidence of just how angry she was. 

From where she stood, Seven could see the PADD was a record of holodeck usage, undoubtedly _her_ holodeck usage. Sighing inwardly, she prepared herself for the battle to come.

“I found your program, Seven Alpha Three,” began Kathryn abruptly, her tone remarkably level given the turmoil in her head. “Not exactly what I’d call a new design for a gravimetric array.” Getting to her feet, she paced out from behind the desk before pausing in front of Seven, then suddenly roared in her face. “So tell me, just what the hell did you think you were doing?!”

Startled by the sudden verbal attack, Seven couldn’t help jumping back slightly. By the look of satisfaction on the captain’s face, obviously she’d meant to knock her off-balance. Taking a deep breath, Seven marshaled her arguments. “I wanted to explore another aspect of my humanity. After careful consideration, the commander seemed to be the best choice to assist me in that exploration.”

“Really! And did it not ever occur to you that you were breaking several ship’s protocols by creating a hologram in his image? By unauthorized use of his personnel file and, no doubt, his medical file?!” Pausing only to catch her breath, Kathryn continued to vent her rage. “I assume, of course, that you did not request his permission.”

When Seven remained silent, Kathryn snarled. “Well?! Did you have his permission? Answer me!!”

The drone’s voice was barely above a whisper. “No, Captain, I did not.”

Eyes blazing, Kathryn stepped into Seven’s personal space, forcing her back toward the door. “I’ve put up with an awful lot from you, Seven, far more than I’ve been willing to put up with from anyone else. But you have crossed the line!” 

Before she could continue her rant, however, Seven went on the offensive. “You ask what I was doing? I was following your example, as I so often have. I know that at one time, you and the commander were involved in a very close personal relationship. I wanted to find out what it was you saw in him, what qualities he possessed which attracted you to him initially. From various discussions among the crew, I know that your relationship with him is long-standing, pre-dating your arrival in the Delta Quadrant. At times, I have seen for myself how you have looked at him and he at you.”

Stunned, Kathryn stared at Seven in astonishment, swallowing several times until she could speak. “And why do you think we aren’t still involved…in a ‘close, personal relationship’?” Her voice dropped to a growl on the last words.

“Since the events surrounding the attempted Maquis takeover of the ship, you and the commander have seemed to be less friendly. Quite a number of the crew have commented on it.” She shrugged. “I assumed that, for whatever reason, the nature of your relationship had changed to purely professional.”

“Well, you assumed wrong!” declared Kathryn forcefully, before hesitating as her recent behaviour towards Chakotay flashed before her eyes. Pushing aside the thought that Seven had hit closer to home than she liked, she concentrated on dealing with the drone first. “And even if you hadn’t,” she continued, “it is still wrong to make a hologram of someone without their permission. Starfleet protocol is very clear on this point, Seven.” 

Moving behind the desk, she stared her straight in the eye and in a voice of steel, delivered her verdict. “Your holodeck privileges are rescinded for the next month. Any free time you might have will be devoted to studying Starfleet rules and regulations. Commander Tuvok will be assigned to ensure that you are fully aware of every one. At the end of a month, he will test your knowledge, in detail, in a series of examinations, both written and oral. If you fail to achieve less than one hundred percent in each and every one, you will repeat the entire procedure until you do. Understood?”

“Yes, Captain.”

Kathryn took her seat and picked up the nearest PADD. “Dismissed.” 

However, a moment after the door hissed closed, she slumped in her chair, her mind whirling. Had she been avoiding Chakotay? On a conscious level, she hadn’t realized it, but if others on the ship were discussing it, she must have been. She was well aware that the crew was very quick to pick up on every little nuance of her behaviour, particularly where Chakotay was concerned. Rubbing her eyes, she tried to think objectively about her actions around him, and soon had to acknowledge that Seven had been right in her observations. _‘I have been keeping out of his way,’_ she admitted to herself. _‘Staying off the bridge during duty shifts, heading straight to my quarters afterwards, eating in the mess hall only when I’m sure he won’t be there…. And I wasn’t even aware of it.’_

Getting to her feet, she ordered a cup of coffee from the replicator, then sat down on her couch to consider what she should do. _‘I have to talk to him,’_ she decided. _‘Maybe he hasn’t noticed….’_ But even as the thought ran through her head, she knew he would have and no doubt was feeling very hurt. He would never say anything either, especially since it had been his actions, however unintentional, which had precipitated their current estrangement. 

Before she could change her mind, she tapped her combadge. “Janeway to Chakotay.”

“Chakotay here,” he responded immediately.

“Commander, report to my ready room at once.” Her tone made it sound as if she merely wanted to discuss ship’s business. No point in giving the crew something else to speculate about.

“Aye, Captain.”

When he appeared a few seconds later, Kathryn made a point of welcoming him with a warm smile and an offer of tea. 

Unsure what to expect, he declined, remaining standing near the door.

“Come and sit down, Chakotay,” she invited as she settled onto the couch.

Still wary, he approached her carefully, his eyes watchful. 

Mentally, she cursed herself for not realizing sooner how fearful of her he must be to behave so hesitantly around her. “Chakotay,” she murmured gently, “I promise I won’t bite. Please. Come and join me.”

Her words coaxed a reluctant smile from him. Feeling more confident, he sat down beside her. “What’s this all about, Kathryn?”

Reaching forward, she laid a gentle hand on his knee. “Us,” she replied, her eyes focused on his face. Although his expression didn’t alter much, she could sense relief emanating from him. 

Relaxing against the cushions, he covered her hand with his. “Go on.”

“I had a little chat with Seven of Nine just now,” she began, “which I’ll tell you about later. However, something she said in the course of our conversation made me realize that I’ve been shutting you out for some time now. Ever since….” She paused, trying to find the most tactful words.

“Ever since I tried to kill you,” Chakotay continued bluntly. 

Her mouth twisted slightly before she nodded. “Yes. I wasn’t aware of what I was doing until she mentioned it, but subconsciously I’ve been avoiding you, and I didn’t even know it. I thought I’d forgiven you long ago, but I understand now that I hadn’t and I’m sorry. It took Seven’s words to make me realize how unfairly I’ve been treating you.”

As she spoke, Chakotay felt the tight band of misery, which had been wrapped around his heart for months, finally begin to loosen. They were over the worst of it – now, they could begin the healing process. Gripping her fingers tightly, he moved a bit closer to her. “I had noticed some time ago, but I didn’t know how to tell you. I was afraid of making a bad situation worse.”

“Oh, Chakotay,” she murmured remorsefully, raising one hand to stroke his face.

Reaching to grasp it, he lifted it to his lips, kissing the backs of her fingers before turning it over in order to nuzzle her palm. “What did Seven say to bring it to your attention?” he asked.

Taking a deep breath, Kathryn launched into a description of what she had found when she’d innocently accessed Seven’s program. “I thought I’d be examining a design for a new gravimetric array. Instead, I found a simulation of crew quarters, with a holographic version of you very comfortably ensconced in the bed. When I asked your alter ego what was going on, he rather smugly replied that he was waiting for Seven to join him so that he might instruct her further in human interaction. As you can imagine, I shut down the program immediately and called her in here.”

Speechless, Chakotay stared at her in horror. “Kathryn!” he exclaimed when he finally found his voice. “That would never happen! I’ve never had any interest at all in Seven, or any other woman for that matter. You are more than enough for me.” An angry scowl darkened his features. “Damn her anyway! She had no right to make a hologram of me.”

“She knows that, Chakotay, believe me. I gave her a very severe lecture, then ordered her to study Starfleet regulations and protocols; I intend to tell Tuvok to keep her occupied reviewing them for the next month or two.” Patting his hand, she reassured him. “Through all these years, Chakotay, I’ve never had the slightest cause to doubt your faithfulness, and I know I never will.” As she finished speaking, she leaned forward to kiss him gently before wrapping her arms around his shoulders.

Heaving a mighty sigh, he buried his face in her shoulder. “Thank you,” he whispered into her hair, his breath tickling the lobe of her ear.

For several minutes, they remained wrapped tightly together, as they reassured each other that the breach caused by Teero Anaydis had finally been healed. 

*****

The following day, after debating what he should do, Chakotay decided to confront Seven of Nine. Since her arrival on Voyager over three years earlier, she had repeatedly run roughshod over the sensibilities of her fellow crewmembers without the slightest consideration for their feelings. As far as he was concerned, everyone had cut her a lot of slack. This time, however, she had gone too far and he was determined to call her to account.

Eventually cornering her in cargo bay two, Chakotay tried to explain her error as calmly and objectively as he could. “You cannot use my image in any of your holoprograms, Seven. Over and above any ethical ramifications, which are a whole separate issue, is the fact that for me, there can be no other woman except Kathryn Janeway. Ever.”

Gazing at him in curiosity, Seven responded. “But what if she should die? Surely then….”

Chakotay cut her off. “It wouldn’t matter. She’s my soul mate. We’re joined together by bonds so profound that nothing, not even death, can break them.” 

Obviously unable to comprehend such depth of emotion, Seven stared at him with a very puzzled expression on her face. “I do not understand.”

He smiled almost ruefully. “It’s not something that can be easily explained. You have to experience it to really understand what I’m talking about. In the meantime, however, I must have your solemn word that you will delete my holoimage.”

“Of course, Commander,” replied Seven formally. “In fact, I have already done so. I…am sorry…to have caused you and the captain distress. That was never my intention.”

“I’m sure it wasn’t. Thank you, Seven. Goodnight.” Not wanting to prolong the conversation, Chakotay hurried out of the cargobay. 

Kathryn was waiting for him – all was right in the universe.


	6. Part 6:  Delta Quadrant IV

**2378**

The greatest adventure of Voyager’s seven-year journey started innocently enough with the discovery of a large nebula almost directly ahead of the ship. 

Following long-established procedure, Harry Kim alerted the helm right after notifying the captain, knowing she would want to investigate just as she always did. 

“Mr. Paris!” rang out the captain’s voice, when she arrived on the bridge a minute later. “Set a course for that nebula and proceed at maximum warp.”

“Aye, Captain. Course is already laid in.” 

“Very good. Engage.” Settling into her chair, Janeway alternated her attention between the viewscreen and her console.

At first, the readings appeared to fall within standard parameters and the crew relaxed into established routine. However, they soon discovered that this was a nebula with a difference. 

“Sensors are detecting extremely high neutrino emissions,” reported Seven from astrometrics.

“Source!” demanded Janeway, her voice suddenly tense.

“The nebula directly ahead.”

Janeway turned to Chakotay. “Care to join me for a look, Commander?” she invited, as she rose to her feet.

Grinning, he gestured her to precede him up the steps and into the turbolift. “Astrometrics,” he ordered, as the doors slid closed.

Literally bouncing in anticipation, at first Kathryn wasn’t aware of his amusement until he chuckled out loud at her impatience. The sound made her glance up, his grin puzzling her. “What’s so funny?” she asked, her brows knitting together in a frown.

“You are,” he replied briefly.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” she demanded, when he didn’t elucidate.

Reaching for her, he grasped her arms to still her motion. “Kathryn, look at yourself. You’re actually jumping up and down with excitement.”

Her face fell as she realized he was right, and she turned away to face the door. “Sorry,” she apologized in a tight voice.

Damn! He hadn’t meant to hurt her feelings. Maneuvering around her so he could see her face, he stretched out a hand to brush her cheek lightly. “Kathryn, I wasn’t trying to criticize you. It’s only that…well…your enthusiasm is sort of emblematic of you and the way you approach life – head on and damn the torpedoes! I’ve always gotten a chuckle out of that aspect of your personality.”

A reluctant smile crept across her face. “I guess I do come on as the over-eager type sometimes. But just think, Chakotay!” her voice crackled with anticipation, “Those emissions could mean a wormhole! One that might actually lead to the Alpha Quadrant. That’s worth getting excited about, isn’t it?”

Gripping her hands, he squeezed them tightly, his voice warm. “Yes, it certainly is. But don’t expect me to start bouncing off the bulkheads, and, as my mother used to say, don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”

She nodded ruefully, acknowledging how many times before they’d been disappointed. “I know. My mother used to say the same thing.”

At that moment, the turbolift halted and the doors opened. Striding out, they hurried down the hall to astrometrics.

*****

The nebula soon proved to be even more intriguing than initial scans had indicated, and as they approached the edge of it, the captain wasted no time issuing orders to proceed on a heading that would take the ship inside. Creeping forward carefully at quarter impulse speed, Voyager entered the opaque, swirling mass. Nebulas could be dangerous places for the unwary, as too many ships had learned the hard way.

Quietly, the bridge crew concentrated on their individual consoles, each focused on the task at hand.

Suddenly, Harry’s voice rang out, unnaturally loud in the near-silence. “There’s a tritanium signature right on top of us!”

Even as he spoke, the ship began to vibrate, shaking so hard that it seemed the hull would split apart. The kaleidoscope of colour on the viewscreen suddenly resolved into an enormous Borg cube, directly in front of them on a collision course. 

“Tom!” shouted the captain desperately, praying her helmsman’s reactions would be fast enough.

Voyager heeled over at an angle, just missing the leading edge of the cube.

Gasping at their close call, the crew picked themselves off the deck and dived for their consoles. 

“Get us out of here!” roared Janeway frantically.

Tom Paris didn’t need to be told twice. Setting impulse engines at maximum, he reversed course and charged out of the nebula, heedless of any other possible danger, intent only on getting away from the cube as quickly as possible.

The few seconds it took to exit the nebula felt like hours, but soon the ship was once more in open space.

“Astrometrics, any sign of that cube?” asked the captain nervously.

“Sensors show it is proceeding on a completely different heading from ours,” reported Seven. “It would appear it did not detect us.”

“How is that possible?!” exclaimed Paris. “We came within ten meters of it.”

Janeway shrugged. “I have no idea, Mr. Paris, but I’m not willing to stay around to find out. Set a course away from the nebula until the cube is beyond sensor range, then return to our original course for the Alpha Quadrant.”

“Aye, Captain.”

However, in the next few minutes, the captain learned from Seven that there was not just one Borg cube inside the nebula, but many. What could be attracting them, like a Ferengi to latinum? Something was in there, something that might be a shortcut home. The idea tickled the back of her mind for several minutes until abruptly, she ordered Paris to stop and hold position. 

From his chair, Chakotay glanced over, wondering what was bothering Kathryn. Although most likely no one else had noticed, he could see she was fidgeting restlessly. Reaching across the console, he lightly brushed her hand, attracting her attention. His eyes held hers, as he gripped her fingers steadily, making her realize what she’d been doing. 

Smiling sheepishly at his gentle reminder, she squeezed his hand in return before settling back in her chair. 

With a nod, Chakotay went back to studying the readouts, frowning at the lack of information. 

While they were still mulling over the peculiar behaviour of the cubes, Harry’s voice rang out once more. “Captain! I’m detecting tachyon emissions directly ahead. There’s a rift of some kind opening….” He trailed off as the viewscreen showed a great gash opening in the fabric of space.

Tuvok spoke up from behind the captain’s shoulder. “I’m detecting nadion discharges on the other side of the rift.”

“Weapons fire?” asked Chakotay of no one in particular. “What…?”

He was cut off by Harry. “There’s a ship coming through the rift. With a Federation signature!”

Her eyes glued to the screen, Janeway rose to her feet and moved down beside the helm, as if she might better be able to figure out what was going on.

A small ship – a shuttle – shot out of the rift.

At the same time, Harry reported, “We’re being hailed.”

“On screen,” murmured Janeway.

Still another surprise. The face on the viewscreen was an aged version of her own. “Seal the rift!” ordered her double. “Recalibrate your deflector to emit an anti-tachyon burst.”

The captain stood her ground. “Who are you?”

“Do as I say! In case you hadn’t noticed, _Captain_ ,” the other woman growled, “I outrank you.” 

Her attention drawn to the uniform her elder was wearing, Janeway saw the rank pips. “Yes, Admiral. Tuvok, do as she says.”

A second later, a burst of energy shot out from Voyager, obliterating the rift. 

Once more, space was intact.

“I followed your orders,” stated Kathryn in a no-nonsense tone. “Now I want answers!”

The admiral smiled almost sadly. “Beam me aboard and I’ll give them to you.”

*****

Some twenty minutes later in sickbay, the doctor carefully scanned Admiral Janeway a second time, then turned to his captain. “There can be no doubt. My scans indicate the two of you are genetically identical. She is you, twenty-six years from now.”

Kathryn sighed heavily, wondering what the fates had in store for her now. 

From behind, she heard her own voice. “Now that my identity is confirmed, Captain, we need to talk – privately. Let’s go to the ready room.” As she spoke, the admiral hopped off the biobed and moved to face the captain.

Nodding, Kathryn turned on her heel and led the way out the door. In the turbolift, she began to automatically call for the bridge before suddenly changing her mind. For the moment, she preferred to keep the admiral away from her crew as much as possible. “Deck one,” she ordered, adding “We’ll use the back entrance.”

Shrugging, the admiral silently acquiesced.

A few minutes later, seated behind her desk and armed with a cup of coffee, Kathryn stared at her older self. “All right, so far we’ve done it your way. Now, talk.”

Settling herself in the chair in front of the desk, the admiral took a moment to glance nostalgically at her surroundings, before leaning forward to gaze intently at her younger self. “Very well. Here it is in a nutshell. There is a shortcut home inside that nebula,” she stated with absolute conviction. “And all you have to do is go back in and take it.”

Kathryn’s stomach twisted. Too easy! There had to be more…. “And if I don’t?”

“You will be condemning this crew to years more in this godforsaken quadrant! Some of them will die. Is that what you want?” she sneered.

“Of course not!” Kathryn snapped impatiently. “You’re giving me information about the future, Admiral, in the process breaking the Temporal Prime Directive, but you’re not telling me what I need to know. That nebula is littered with Borg cubes! What can possibly be in there that allows us to get home?” Her tone warned that she was running short of patience. What she forgot was that she was talking to herself.

Rising from her chair, the admiral meandered up to the couch and stood looking out the viewport. “I’d forgotten what it was like to see the stars from here. Nowadays, there’s a nice view of the bay.”

Blinking, Kathryn tried to puzzle through the non sequitur. “Excuse me?”

“Voyager is a museum on the grounds of the Presidio.” She turned to face Kathryn. “Take your crew home, Captain. That’s the only thing you should be concerned about. Everything else is…irrelevant.”

Pinching her nose, Kathryn tried to ward off the incipient headache. Arguing was getting them nowhere, and yet she wasn’t prepared to just dive into a nebula that she knew for a fact was crawling with Borg, solely on the word of an admiral from the future. Even if that admiral was an older version of herself. What it came down to was she didn’t trust herself – not one inch.

“Either you tell me now what I want to know,” she snarled, “or you can just get into that shuttle and leave. I will not move until I have answers.” Her voice dropped even lower. “And don’t even think about pulling rank. May I remind you that this is still my ship! On Voyager, I am in command.”

The admiral’s tone was conciliatory. “I wouldn’t dream of such a thing.”

_‘The hell you wouldn’t!’_ thought Kathryn fiercely. 

Her future self continued to speak. “Very well, I’ll give you answers. Inside that nebula is a transwarp hub, which controls thousands of conduits connecting to every part of the galaxy. All we have to do is find the one leading to Sector 001 in the Alpha Quadrant and we’re home free.”

Kathryn stared at her in disbelief. “A transwarp hub?” she repeated carefully. “Seven once told me there are only six in the galaxy.” Her voice trailed off as her brain jumped into high gear. “If we could destroy it….”

“Damn you!” roared the admiral unexpectedly, her eyes glaring. “Don’t even think it, Captain. You get your crew home. That’s the only thing that need concern you.” 

Quite unmoved by the older woman’s bluster, Kathryn glared right back. “Remember who you’re dealing with,” she retorted, “and don’t try to browbeat me because it won’t work!”

“For god’s sake, listen to me! I came back specifically to this point in time to warn…to instruct you how to use this hub. Ignore my words at your peril.” 

Kathryn’s ears perked up. “What do you mean – warn? What is there to warn me about?” 

The admiral stared at her counterpart but remained silent.

“Is there something you’re not telling me?” Kathryn’s eyes narrowed as she tried to puzzle out what the admiral wasn’t saying. “Obviously, we’ll get home eventually – the fact you’re here proves that. It seems to me that a longer journey is a small sacrifice to make in return for striking such a powerful blow against the Borg.” 

For several seconds, the two women faced each other before the admiral backed down. Slumping onto the couch, she seemed to deflate like a balloon which had been pinpricked. Suddenly, she looked every day of her seventy-three years and more. “I should have remembered how stubborn you…I…could be,” she sighed heavily. “Very well, Captain. Yes, you’re right, there is another reason.” 

Nodding in vindication, Kathryn rose to her feet and moved to stand before her. “I thought there might be. Let’s have it.”

“Are you sure you want to hear this? What about the Temporal Prime Directive?” 

Kathryn ignored her taunts. “To hell with it!”

“Fine!” retorted the admiral, then added unexpectedly, “but Chakotay needs to hear this, too.”

“All right. It’s late; why don’t we meet in my quarters for dinner?” 

For the first time since her precipitate arrival on Voyager, the admiral smiled, her expression nostalgic. “That would be nice, just like old times.”

*****

Rather to her surprise, Kathryn found that dinner with a future version of herself was not the trial she’d expected it to be. 

At first, Chakotay had been suspicious, subjecting the admiral to a series of questions, designed to test her knowledge of obscure information that only Kathryn Janeway could know. However, as she successfully answered every one, the discussion changed, becoming less of an interrogation and more an exchange of reminiscences. By the time they’d finished an hour later, all three were feeling considerably more at ease with each other. 

“Why don’t we move to more comfortable seats for our talk?” suggested the admiral, rising to her feet as she spoke and moving across the room. 

Following her lead, Kathryn and Chakotay sat down on the couch side by side, their faces wearing identical expressions of curiosity. 

Opposite them, the admiral settled into the armchair, leaning forward slightly as she began to speak. “Do you recall how your relationship changed after Teero Anaydis achieved control over the Maquis, when they seized the ship?”

Kathryn and Chakotay both winced at the mention of the vedek’s name – it was not a time either liked to remember.

The admiral continued, her words directed specifically at Kathryn. “And do you remember how, despite your reconciliation, you still harboured feelings of distrust toward Chakotay?”

Grimacing slightly at the memory, nevertheless Kathryn nodded, conceding the truth of the admiral’s statement. 

Lacing her fingers together, the older woman went on. “And after you learned of Seven’s use of Chakotay’s hologram for her study of intimate relations, do you also remember realizing how far you had drifted apart from each other? Although you were extremely angry with Seven, in a way you were also grateful, since her conduct served to bring you together again.”

Her eyes glued to the admiral’s face, Kathryn waited for the other shoe to drop. 

“However,” continued her older self, “what you have not acknowledged yet is that, subconsciously, you still have not forgiven him for what he did. Never mind that he was not acting of his own volition, that he was under the control of a madman. His actions struck at the core of your relationship.”

Chakotay shivered at her words, well aware how terrified he’d been that this was precisely how Kathryn would react. Lately, he had begun to wonder if she really had forgiven him as readily as she’d declared. From what the admiral was saying, apparently not.

Beside him, Kathryn bit her lip, knowing that what the admiral said could well be true and she’d been trying not to admit it. Tonight, there was no hiding from the brutal truth, for either her or Chakotay.

The admiral kept on implacably, describing what had happened at that crucial point in her timeline. “Despite our apparent reconciliation, slowly, over the next year or so, Chakotay and I turned away from each other once more. Oh, we were still friends, but that was all. I didn’t even realize what was happening. Chakotay continued to support me and be there for me just as he always had. We still had dinner together on a regular basis, and I went on my merry way, completely oblivious to the fact that our relationship was changing, this time permanently.” 

Her mouth twisted in pain as she paused to take a deep breath. Clearly, this wasn’t easy for her. “It was about fifteen months after we’d bypassed the hub that he came to my quarters late one night, obviously upset. He said he had to talk to me, that he’d put off this conversation for too long. I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about, and so I was completely unprepared for what he said next.

“He’d come to realize that, despite all our promises of fidelity to each other, the parameters of our relationship had changed irrevocably. For some time, he’d been wondering if I was even aware of our altered feelings. I stared at him in stunned disbelief – I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! I told him I loved him just as I had for nearly thirty years – my entire adult life.” Her voice quivered suddenly, and she had to take a deep breath to steady it. “I’ll never forget the look in his eyes – they were so sad. ‘Do you, Kathryn?’ he asked. ‘Be honest with yourself.’ I opened my mouth to protest that of course I did…but I couldn’t get out the words. As I thought about it, I realized he was right; we had become two separate individuals.

“I agreed that maybe we weren’t as close as we’d once been, but…. He wouldn’t let me finish. ‘It’s not enough, Kathryn, you can’t force it. Please, don’t feel guilty. There are many different kinds of love. I think ours has simply changed, mutating into something other than what we had before.’ My heart sank into my boots, and I knew I didn’t want to hear what he was going to say, but I had no choice. I told him to go on. 

“He said that although it wouldn’t be easy, we should accept that our feelings had changed, that it was time to move on. ‘I’ve started to see Seven of Nine,’ he continued implacably, his voice never changing its soft, even tone. ‘We’ve had several dates and find we enjoy each other’s company.’ He shrugged and added, ‘She’s not you – no one can be – but I need to love someone, Kathryn, and if I can’t have you, well…I need someone. I hope you can understand.’

“I remember staring at him in absolute disbelief, numb, with no idea what to do next! He took my silence as acquiescence. ‘I realize this is most likely a shock for you, but I wanted to tell you before our association becomes public knowledge, so that you’re prepared when the crew finds out.’ I nodded, still unable to force out a sound past the huge lump in my throat. He left then, and I continued to sit there, for how long I don’t know.”

Again, the admiral stopped speaking, as a single tear trailed slowly down her cheek. After a moment, she shook her head. “Don’t mind me,” she muttered almost inaudibly, “it’s only…it still hurts, even after so many years.” Taking a deep breath, she went on, obviously determined to finish her narrative. “To make a long story short, Seven and Chakotay were married a year after starting their relationship, and no, not by me – he wasn’t that insensitive. By then, he knew he’d hurt me deeply, but he’d made a commitment to Seven and he wasn’t about to betray her as well. They were married very quietly on one of the many planets we visited. Soon after, they made the decision to leave the ship for good, at the next planet we stopped at. 

“I think my heart broke permanently that day. By the time we said our final goodbyes, I was on the verge of collapse. If it hadn’t been for the senior staff, in particular Tom and B’Elanna, I don’t think I would have survived. They all united to pull me through. Somehow, together, we kept going. Eventually, the pain dulled, although it never went away – it never will.”

By the time the admiral had finished, Kathryn’s eyes were filled with tears, her heart aching. All too easily, she could imagine what her older self had endured.

Next to her, Chakotay clutched her hand tightly, his grip a silent promise that the events of the admiral’s timeline were not going to happen in theirs.

The admiral gazed steadily at them both. “You see now why I’m so insistent that you use the hub to get home,” she declared. “This is your only chance to cut this journey short and avoid what I’ve just told you will happen. This is the crux right here, right now. Please, don’t throw it away.” Her voice faded away as she covered her face, trying to hold in her emotions.

At once, Chakotay moved to perch on the arm of her chair, his hands stroking her shoulders. “We won’t,” he murmured softly, his eyes finding Kathryn’s. At her confirming nod, he bent closer to the white head, whispering reassurance as he wrapped his arms around her.

Turning her head, the admiral buried her face against his jacket, her tight grip on her feelings finally loosened by the comfort of the man she’d loved so deeply for so long. For several minutes, she allowed her tears to fall, before biting back sobs and easing away from him. Looking up, she gave him a grateful smile. “Thank you,” she murmured softly, as he wiped her cheeks dry with his thumb. “Dear god, I have missed you so much!”

Bending lower, very gently he brushed her lips with his own, giving her the final closure that she needed. “He always loved you,” he murmured softly. “Don’t ever doubt that.” Rising, he moved to sit beside Kathryn once more and took her hand, pressing it between his own.

For several minutes, the three sat in silence as various thoughts raced through their heads. 

The admiral relaxed in her chair, her face filled with a peace which had been absent for a long, long time.

Sitting opposite, Chakotay’s eyes were fixed on her, although in fact he was trying to comprehend a situation in which, apparently, he had finally given up on Kathryn. Despite the many strains on their relationship, they had stuck together for so long now that it seemed impossible they would ever go their separate ways. And yet, according to the admiral, they had.

Beside him, still clutching his hand, Kathryn stared absently at the floor. Although she had been as shocked as Chakotay at the admiral’s revelations, she understood much more easily how it might have happened. If she were honest with herself, she had to admit she was still finding it difficult to get past his actions while under Teero’s control. Every time she told herself she was over-reacting, a few niggling doubts would creep into her head, and she would remember her fear and horror at the moment he’d ordered Tuvok to kill her. Glancing up, she noticed his gaze focused on the admiral, which brought her mind back to the original topic about whether or not to use the Borg shortcut.

“There has to be a way,” she muttered half to herself. “Surely, somehow, there must be a way we can destroy the hub and still use the transwarp conduit to the Alpha Quadrant.” 

Her mouth twisting at an old memory, the admiral contemplated her words, then shrugged resignedly. “I did think of one once, but at the time, it seemed too risky.”

Eyes brightening, Kathryn leaned forward. “Really? Tell me more….”

*****

Very early the following morning, Captain Janeway assembled the senior staff in the briefing room. 

Silently, the admiral followed them in before moving to one side and propping herself against the viewport.

“A long time ago,” began the captain, glancing around at her officers, her friends, “I made a decision that stranded us all in this quadrant. While for the most part, I don’t regret that decision, now I want to know that each of you agrees with what I’m going to suggest. 

“Admiral Janeway has told me there is a Borg transwarp hub inside that nebula we found yesterday, that is our best chance of getting home in the next sixteen years. She has given me compelling reasons why we should use it. But…there is a choice here. Right now, we have the opportunity and the ability to strike a devastating blow at the Borg by destroying the hub. If all goes according to plan, we should be able to do both, but I won’t lie to you – it’s a big gamble. It may be that the ship won’t escape the destruction, although we’re trying to raise the odds of success as high as possible. More likely, it will mean that our journey will continue for a good many years yet, and that perhaps some of you won’t survive to see the end of it.” 

She spread her hands wide, encompassing them all. “I know I could make a command decision, and you would follow my orders without hesitation. But this time…I’m asking you.”

Eyes flickered back and forth as everyone glanced about, wondering what was going on. The captain was _asking_ them to obey?! It didn’t make any sense. 

In the corner by the viewport, the admiral stirred but said nothing. 

“Captain?” Harry Kim spoke up from the other side of the table.

Silently, she inclined her head, giving him permission to speak.

Pacing forward, he began slowly, trying to articulate his thoughts. “I think it’s safe to say that no one has been more _obsessed_ with getting home than me.” His words elicited several smiles. “But when I think of everything we’ve been through, maybe it’s not the destination that matters, maybe it’s the journey….” He paused for a moment to look at each of his crewmates in turn. “And I can’t think of any place I’d rather be, or any people I’d rather be with. Even if it does take another sixteen years, I think we should do whatever we can to destroy the Borg.”

The nods of agreement around the table resolved the last of Kathryn’s doubts. Once more her crew had come through for her, just as they always did. Smiling her thanks at their continued confidence in her leadership, she moved to the head of the table. “Then come and sit down, people, while I explain how we’re going to defeat the Borg.” 

Intrigued, everyone took their seats in a hurry, wanting to learn what rabbit the captain was going to pull out of her hat this time. 

“Based on a suggestion of Seven’s,” she began, “we are going to attempt to collapse the interspatial manifolds in the hub. The idea is that by destroying the first few, we will initiate a cascade reaction which will annihilate the entire structure.

“B’Elanna and Seven, download the specs for the armor plating and weapons technology from the admiral’s shuttle, and adapt them to Voyager. They will protect us from the Borg and give us the firepower we need to destroy any cube which attacks.” 

Nodding, B’Elanna took the PADD the captain handed her.

“Tuvok and Harry,” continued Janeway, “work with Seven to upgrade the photon torpedoes, making them transphasic.” 

Tuvok’s eyebrow shot up at that, but he made no comment, merely reaching for the PADD she was handing him.

The captain turned to her helmsman. “Tom, while those manifolds are collapsing, your job is to get this ship through the conduit leading to Sector 001 in the Alpha Quadrant, ahead of the shockwave. You will have less than ten seconds. Think you can do it?”

His eyes starting to gleam, Tom grinned with more than a trace of his old arrogance. “Yes, ma’am!” 

“Good, because there won’t be any second chances.” For a second, her grin matched his before she looked at Chakotay. “Commander, you will coordinate our efforts, ensuring that every member of this crew knows exactly what is going to happen. I don’t want any problems caused by lack of knowledge.”

“Aye, Captain.” Chakotay’s voice was calm and steady, giving no hint of the trepidation he felt inside. The admiral had been right about one thing – it was a very risky plan. But, even after estimating that their chances of success were not very good, he agreed with Kathryn that they had to try to destroy the hub. And maybe, just maybe, they might get lucky…one more time.

The captain continued to speak, “The admiral and I will be working on an ace we have up our sleeve. When the time is right, we’re going to spring a little surprise on the Borg.” Her eyes glinted with determination, a look that was reflected on the admiral’s face. 

Stepping forward to address them, the older woman stated softly. “It’s been ten years since I last commanded all of you, and I must admit I’d forgotten what a loyal, devoted group of officers you are. Thank you for the reminder.” 

As one, they all gathered around to press her hands or, in Tom’s case, give her a quick hug. 

Smiling her thanks at each of them, she turned to face Kathryn as the others left the briefing room. “They’re the best crew in the galaxy, Captain. You’ll succeed, I’m sure of it.”

“With a critical bit of help from you,” replied Kathryn, adding, “Are you sure I can’t talk you out of doing this? We could find another way….”

“We both know there’s no other way to increase the odds. Besides,” she chuckled ruefully, “Voyager isn’t big enough for both of us.”

Chakotay stepped forward, catching an arm of each woman. “How about we get some breakfast in the mess hall? It’s going to be a long day, and we’ll all work better with a little food in our stomachs.”

Chuckling, the admiral patted his hand as she addressed Kathryn. “He’s such a mother hen.”

From his other side, the captain retorted. “Yes, but we love him for it.”

“Indeed, we do.”

*****

Thirty-six hours later, the admiral sat in her shuttle, running a final systems check as she waited for her counterpart to arrive.

Captain Janeway entered through the hatch, a hypospray clutched in her hand.

“It’s about time,” grumbled the admiral good-naturedly, “I’m not getting any younger, you know.”

The captain chuckled briefly as she lifted the hypospray, holding it to the admiral’s neck and depressing the plunger. For an instant after she was done, she paused, as if wanting to say something but unable to find the words. Finally, she settled for the mundane. “Good luck, Admiral.”

The older woman glanced back, a sardonic smile crossing her face. “You, too.” But then the cynicism slid away, replaced by an almost shy expression. “Captain,” she called softly to her counterpart, “I’m glad I got to know you again.”

Pausing in the hatch, Kathryn grinned back at her older self before she stepped out of the shuttle. 

A moment later, the hatch was sealed and the engines were warming up. By the time Kathryn had reached the exit to the corridor, the shuttle had lifted off the deck and was heading out through the forcefield and open doors of the shuttlebay into space. “Goodbye, Admiral,” she whispered, “I’m glad I got to know you, too.”

Upon her return to the bridge, she took her seat as Chakotay glanced across the console at her.

“Everything go according to plan?” he murmured softly.

“Yes,” she replied in a low voice. “She’s on her way.”

Straightening up, she stared at the viewscreen which was filled with the swirling mass of the nebula. From here, she couldn’t make out the tiny speck of the shuttle, although sensors continued to track its path. When it disappeared inside, she waited another few minutes, then ordered Tom to follow.

“All hands!” she announced on a ship wide channel, as Voyager went to full impulse. “Shortly, we will begin our plan to destroy the Borg transwarp hub, which is hidden in the nebula ahead of us, and then attempt to use the conduit that will lead us to the Alpha Quadrant. Each of you has been fully briefed on the expected sequence of events as well as what part you will play in this effort. However, I also want you to know that no matter what happens, whether or not we succeed, I have never been more proud of all of you than I am at this moment. No captain could ever ask for a finer crew than this one; I have been truly honoured to command you. For all that you have given, and all you have yet to give, thank you. Janeway out.”

Beside her, Chakotay reached across the space between them to quickly squeeze her hand and give her a warm smile. _‘What you said goes for us, too,’_ was his silent message.

Nodding her understanding, Kathryn turned her attention to the sensor readings that were beginning to flash across the console screen beside her. The admiral’s shuttle was in position – it was time.

For several minutes, the only sounds were the steady clicks and beeps of the different consoles as every person on the bridge concentrated on the displays in front of them.

Keeping one eye on the readouts, Kathryn watched as the ship was enveloped in the maelstrom of gases within the nebula. At first, that was all she could see – endless whirlpools and eddies of colour surrounding the ship and blinding them. Then, moments later, Voyager broke through the worst of it, enough to let them locate the spider web of the transwarp hub, its countless apertures leading in every direction.

When Harry spoke, his voice seemed unnaturally loud in the tense silence of the bridge. “The aperture to Sector 001 in the Alpha Quadrant is six degrees to starboard.”

“I see it,” replied Tom. “Changing course.”

Again, quiet fell as Voyager angled on to the new heading. The portal loomed before them, suddenly growing larger by leaps and bounds. As the ship crossed the threshold, everyone let out their breath. They had successfully entered the transwarp corridor. Now, for step three.

“Tuvok,” ordered Kathryn, “fire transphasic torpedoes at the interspatial manifold. Tom, go to maximum warp _now_!”

As Tuvok fired, the ship leaped forward, fleeing for her very existence from the maelstrom of fire and destruction which was exploding right behind. Desperately, Tom tried to keep her steady, but the conduit itself began to destabilize.

“Captain!” he shouted. “I’m having trouble holding course. I need more power!”

“Harry! Help him!” she answered, raising her voice to be heard over the increasing vibration. “Take power from wherever you can, including life support. We won’t need it anyway if we’re all dead.”

A second later, Tom reported that he’d lost the heading for the Alpha Quadrant. “It keeps shifting so quickly that I can’t follow it.”

Janeway glanced behind her. “Seven, help us! Give him a course!” 

For a moment, the woman didn’t answer; however, just as Kathryn began to turn around, wondering what was going on, Seven’s voice rang out. “Course six six mark six. We will need to come about.”

“Oh great!” muttered Tom sarcastically, as he laid in the new heading.

Swinging around as tightly as possible, he threw the ship on to the altered course.

“Tuvok!” rang out the captain. “Target as many interspatial manifolds as you can, and fire!”

Wasting no time, Tuvok was quick to comply. “Torpedoes launched.”

An even larger ball of fire exploded practically on Voyager’s tail. As the ship hurtled through the conduit, Kathryn knew that if Tom lost the heading again, they would most likely be destroyed. In the unlikely event they did survive, the chances were overwhelming that they would find themselves on the other side of the galaxy again, seventy thousand light years away from home. _‘No,’_ she decided, _‘this time we will simply have to end up in the Alpha Quadrant. Voyager’s crew has been wandering long enough!’_

“Captain!” Tuvok sounded the alarm from tactical. “There’s a Borg sphere directly behind us. It is opening fire.”

Even as he spoke, the ship shuddered with the force of a direct hit. 

“Aft shields are failing.” Tuvok’s voice maintained a steady tone despite his dire warning. 

Nodding calmly, Janeway acknowledged his report, although her eyes never left the viewscreen.

Another jolt grazed the hull, knocking out several consoles in a shower of sparks and throwing two crewmembers to the deck.

“Position, Mr. Paris?” she asked a moment later.

“Right where we expected to be,” he replied, his voice strangely subdued.

*****

Deep within the unicomplex, the admiral stared in consternation at the Borg queen. While her strategy to dupe the Borg had been successful up to a point, unfortunately they had discovered her hiding place much more quickly than she’d expected. Now she was trapped in the centre of the hive with no chance of escape or hope of rescue. Heaving a sigh of resignation – after all, she hadn’t had any real expectation of surviving this final confrontation – she focused all her formidable will on the main goal. She would defeat this evil once and for all, and if the effort cost her life, so be it.


	7. Part 7:  Alpha Quadrant

**2378**

His heart pounding with unaccustomed trepidation, Admiral Paris hurried into the research lab where the Pathfinder Project was located. “Mr. Barclay!” he demanded. “Report!”

From his position behind the main sensor console, Reg Barclay tapped in several commands, then activated the viewscreen. An external view of the immediate area around the station appeared. At once, he adjusted the sensors to focus on one particular location in the starfield, where an angry-looking green spot was growing exponentially. “That’s it, Admiral,” explained Barclay. “There’s a transwarp aperture forming right there.”

Beside him, the admiral peered uncertainly at the place indicated. _‘Dear heaven!’_ he thought in appalled realization. _‘It’s less than a light year from Earth!’_ Swallowing his fear, Paris steadied himself and asked, “Can you determine how many Borg vessels?”

“No, sir, but the graviton emissions are off the scale!”

There was no time to waste. Keeping his gaze focused on the expanding area of green, Paris tossed orders rapidly over his shoulder to his aide. “I want every ship in range to converge on those coordinates at maximum warp!”

“Aye, sir.” The aide scrambled to the nearest communications console and issued a priority one red alert. Within minutes, he was receiving confirmations from all over the sector. Returning to the admiral’s side, he handed him a PADD. “In the immediate area, sir, there are eighteen ships, which are presently assembling at these coordinates. Nine more are on the way.”

Nodding, Paris ordered, “Open a fleet-wide channel.”

“Channel open.”

“This is Admiral Paris. Sensors show a transwarp conduit is forming, indicating a Borg attack is imminent. Use all necessary force. I repeat – all necessary force!”

Acknowledgements of his orders began to come in even as the various ships continued to maneuver into the most advantageous defensive position.

His stomach churning with alarm, Paris had to force himself to remain silent. Those captains out there knew their jobs – there was nothing he could tell them that would make them any more effective. Glancing about, he saw that every person around him was focused on the aperture, now clearly visible as its light continued to swell and brighten. 

In the tense silence of the lab, Barclay’s exclamation echoed off the walls. “Sir! There’s a ship coming through!”

This was it! 

A Borg sphere shot out of the aperture, aimed directly at the armada facing it.

“All ships!” The admiral’s voice was firm. “We have visual confirmation of a Borg vessel. Target and fire!”

As one, every vessel opened up against the sphere, the orange lances of phaser fire and the lighter trails of photon torpedoes crisscrossing against the blazing green of the aperture. However, the sphere’s shields were more than a match for Starfleet firepower.

“Phaser fire is having no effect,” reported Barclay.

“Recalibrate weapons and – ” Paris stopped in mid-sentence, his jaw falling open in astonishment. 

The sphere was starting to disintegrate, great chunks of metal flying off in all directions, before it suddenly exploded in an enormous pillar of fire. 

For several seconds, there was complete silence as every eye watched in amazement. What had happened? What weapon had so completely demolished the Borg?

Finally, the admiral found his voice and ordered the fleet to cease fire. Something had saved them from certain annihilation, although as yet, he had no idea what it could be. Certainly, no Starfleet ship possessed such formidable firepower.

From amidst the wreckage, a lone starship appeared, the graceful ovoid bow deflecting debris as she headed towards the waiting ships.

“Voyager!” Reg was the first to recognize her, his voice filled with undisguised joy as his eyes swept over the familiar lines. “It’s Voyager!”

Stunned into silence, all the admiral could do was shake his head in stupefaction. Mere words could not express the turmoil of emotions roiling through him at this moment. However, after a minute or two, a lifetime of Starfleet training kicked in. “Hail them,” he ordered, his tone uncharacteristically soft.

*****

Astonishment reigned on Voyager’s bridge. 

“We did it,” whispered several voices, including the captain’s, filled with wonder. After so many years, so many disappointments, so many lives sacrificed to reach this point, they had achieved their ultimate goal. They were home.

The eyes of every person on the bridge were glued to the viewscreen, where Earth could be seen, hanging like a blue and white jewel in the blackness of space. 

Thoughts and emotions whirled randomly through each mind – complete stupefaction that they had finally achieved the seemingly unattainable, followed by the beginnings of incredulous joy. _‘We did it! We’re home!’_

“Captain,” spoke up Harry Kim, his voice slightly strangled, “we’re being hailed.”

“On screen,” murmured Janeway, as if she still couldn’t believe that what she was seeing was real.

The planet was replaced by a sight almost as surreal – Admiral Paris and Lieutenant Barclay, their faces reflecting the crew’s stunned expressions. “Captain,” greeted the admiral, “welcome home.”

“It’s good to be here, sir.”

“How did you…?” he hesitated, at a loss for words to describe the destruction of the sphere.

“It will all be in my report, sir,” replied Janeway quickly, unable to even start explaining recent events.

“I look forward to reading it,” responded Paris, his tone regaining some of his usual authority. His eyes flickered across the crew on Voyager’s bridge, lingering for a moment on the face of his son. Although he made no comment, everyone could see his body slump slightly, as if finally, a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders and he could relax.

The channel was closed and the viewscreen switched back to show Earth once more. However, now the crew could see the size of the armada which had been assembled to fight the Borg. Twenty-seven vessels, large and small, and in several different configurations, surrounded their ship, providing an escort for the last light year of their long journey from the Delta Quadrant. 

Despite herself, Janeway felt her eyes fill with tears. “Thank you, Admiral Janeway,” she whispered in a voice no one else could overhear. Pinching her nose, she swallowed several times in an effort to maintain control. However, one tear managed to escape and roll slowly down her cheek.

Movement beside her caught her attention and she turned her head to find Chakotay standing next to her, his eyes fixed on her. Lifting his hand, he reached forward to wipe her face gently. “This is a momentous occasion,” he muttered, “I think the captain can be excused if she sheds a few tears.”

She gave him a warm smile of thanks, and for a moment, leaned on his arm, before straightening up. “Mr. Paris!” Her voice rang out with her familiar tone of command. “Take us home.”

“Yes, ma’am!” Tom acknowledged, his face breaking into a huge grin. “Yes, ma’am,” he repeated softly as his fingers danced across the console.

Brushing Chakotay’s hand to get his attention, Kathryn indicated their command chairs with a nod of her head. Together, they walked across the deck and sat down side by side, just as they’d done so many times over the course of the last seven years. 

*****

Two hours later, as Voyager and her escort neared Earth, yet another hail came from Starfleet Command. 

Over the intervening time, the ship had received numerous greetings from the captains of the vessels surrounding her, assorted members of the admiralty at Headquarters, and latterly, the President of the Federation, who had been hurriedly awakened in the middle of the night.

This time, however, the communication was from Admiral Paris. “Captain,” he boomed jovially, as she answered the hail. “Permission for Mr. Barclay and me to come aboard and welcome you home in person.”

A smile spread across her face. “Permission granted, Admiral.” 

As the comlink closed, she glanced at Tom. “Care to join me in the transporter room, Lieutenant?” 

“I, uh….” Although he began to rise to his feet, Tom was uncharacteristically tongue-tied.

Patting his arm, Janeway turned to Chakotay, telling him to gather the senior staff in the briefing room to meet their visitors, before leading the way to the turbolift. Once inside, she glanced up at Tom, her brow furrowed slightly in concern. “You’re going to have to meet him sooner or later, Tom. I thought it might be easier this way, when there are fewer people around.”

“Yeah, I know, Captain, it’s just…the last time I saw him, I was being sentenced to prison.”

“A lot has changed since then. I think you’ll find he’s so grateful you’ve come home safe and sound that past history isn’t going to matter.”

As they exited the lift, Tom muttered half to himself. “I wonder what he’ll think of his new daughter-in-law.”

Janeway grinned at him, but didn’t reply. They’d find out soon enough.

Entering the transporter room, she nodded to the technician on duty. “Energize.”

Seconds later, two figures materialized on the pads. 

“Admiral,” greeted Kathryn, stepping forward and holding out her hands in welcome. “Lieutenant Barclay. Now I know we really are home.”

Grasping her hands in his, the admiral pulled her into a bear hug, whispering heartfelt words in her ear. “Katie, my dear! I am so very glad to have you here at last.” 

Releasing her, his eyes fell on his son standing solemnly behind. Without hesitation, he reached out to embrace him warmly. “My son, I have longed for this day!”

Exhaling a big sigh of relief, Tom hugged his father back. “So have I, Dad, so have I.” 

Although he had himself well in hand, nevertheless, the admiral’s eyes were suspiciously bright as he stepped back. “We have much to talk about, Tom, but first I want to meet this young lady who finally tamed you.”

From where she stood speaking to Reg Barclay, Kathryn overheard him. “She’s already waiting for you in the briefing room, Admiral, along with the rest of my senior staff. Shall we go?”

“By all means, Captain, lead the way!” 

As they walked through the corridor to the turbolift, Kathryn was intrigued to see Reg stroke the bulkhead several times with something approaching awe. In the lift, she made a point of standing next to him. “Is there something in particular that strikes you about my ship?” she asked, as his eyes swept over their surroundings. 

Reddening with embarrassment, he looked down at the floor. “I…no…yes…she’s a-a sp-special shi-ship, Captain,” he stuttered, “to me, anyway.”

“She’s a very special ship to me as well, and to everyone in her crew,” replied Kathryn with pride and affection. “There won’t ever be another like her.” 

The lift door opened to admit them to the bridge. Lieutenant Rollins rose from the command chair. “The senior staff is assembled in the briefing room, Captain,” he reported.

“Very good, Mr. Rollins,” she replied as she ushered her guests across the bridge. 

*****

After introductions had been made and congratulations proffered to the entire crew on behalf of Starfleet, Admiral Paris wasted no time in getting down to business. “Although there hasn’t been time for a formal meeting, I have been authorized to tell you that the former Maquis will receive unconditional pardons. The Federation Council will be meeting later today to formalize Starfleet’s recommendation. By sending us your logs as well as monthly updates, Command has had time to review and evaluate your crew’s records. Considering the present political situation as well as the outcome of the war with the Dominion, there was no doubt in anyone’s mind that the few remaining Maquis should all be pardoned.” Pausing, he glanced around beaming. “Therefore, I can tell you that, at the same time your pardons are announced, those Maquis still imprisoned will be released.”

For a brief second, Chakotay and B’Elanna glanced at each other in profound relief. One of their biggest concerns had just been alleviated. 

“Thank you, Admiral,” responded Chakotay, “that is good news indeed!”

Beside him, Kathryn slid a hand into his lap to grip his fingers tightly. Although she had been reasonably sure Starfleet would grant pardons to the Maquis in her crew, she hadn’t been absolutely certain and was very grateful to whoever had engineered their absolution.

Paris continued. “Plans haven’t been finalized as yet, but just before I beamed over, I received a message that Voyager is to land at the Presidio. Even as we speak, hundreds of thousands of people are gathering to welcome you home. And, I might add, as many of your families as can get there in time will be front and centre.”

At the surprise on the faces around him, he explained. “You must understand that the return of this ship from such an unimaginable journey is the first good thing to happen to the Federation in a long, long time.” 

His voice grew solemn. “Stranded as you were in the Delta Quadrant, you missed a terrible war, one in which the loss of life numbered in the billions. As well, the devastation of dozens of worlds, the displacement of whole populations, and the incalculable financial cost of endless fighting left the Federation in extremely dire straits, both in terms of manpower and economically. In short, although the war ended over a year ago, it will take much longer for the Federation to recover. 

“Ever since Starfleet was able to establish regular contact with Voyager, people throughout the Federation, ordinary citizens, have been following your journey avidly. Your names and faces are already easily recognizable to most of the population. However, with your return now, especially in such a spectacular fashion, there will be celebrations beyond anything ever seen before. You should prepare yourselves and your crew for the fact that you all will be idolized as heroes.” 

His words were met with a stunned silence. From the similar expression on each face, obviously the same thought was running through every head. _‘Heroes? Us??’_

“But…” objected Harry, voicing the feelings of the others, “I don’t feel like a hero! I just feel very, very lucky.”

The admiral smiled. “Like it or not, Mr. Kim, in the eyes of everyone in the Federation, you are a genuine, real-life hero. So get used to it.”

“Yes, sir,” replied Harry automatically, his expression concerned. Clearly, he was wondering just what they were getting into.

Rising to her feet, the captain paced around the table to stand behind his chair, placing one hand on his shoulder. “Don’t worry, Harry,” she advised, “I imagine there will be all sorts of changes we’ll have to get used to. And after all, it’s not like we have a lot of choice, unless, of course, you want to go back to the Delta Quadrant?”

Her remark made Harry smile even as he shook his head, and earned chuckles from the others. “No, ma’am!” he responded firmly.

Admiral Paris rose to his feet. “I think that covers everything for the time being. I’m sure you have many questions, and I promise they will all be answered in the next few days. Captain, if you can spare a few minutes, I wouldn’t mind a brief tour?” 

Although his words were phrased as a request, Janeway took them as a command. “Certainly, Admiral, right this way. Mr. Barclay, I assume you’d like to come along as well?”

At Reg’s enthusiastic assent, she called over her shoulder. “Mr. Paris!”

At once, Tom moved to her side. “Yes, Captain?”

Giving him a quick smile, she suggested, “Why don’t you join us until we’re on final approach for Earth?”

“Aye, Captain.” 

The admiral paused to glance behind him. “Now where’s my daughter-in-law? I’d like her to come with us, too, so I can have a chance to get to know her a little bit before we arrive.”

Hesitantly, B’Elanna stepped forward to stand beside Tom. 

Knowing she was nervous, he discreetly gripped her hand, lacing his fingers through hers, and squeezing them reassuringly. 

His father smiled benignly. “Come along, B’Elanna, I can tell already you’re going to be a most welcome addition to the family.”

At his evident approval, B’Elanna relaxed enough to smile slightly as she followed Tom through the door. 

Pausing behind them, Janeway glanced back at Chakotay. “You have the bridge, Commander,” she called out.

“Aye, Captain,” he replied in his most professional tone.

Following behind, he overheard the admiral remark to the captain, as the little group headed towards the lift. “You know, Katie, I can guarantee you’re going to get a promotion for pulling off this feat.”

Startled, Janeway turned her head towards him. “Promotion?!”

“Indeed!” he beamed with pride. “I’m looking forward to having an Admiral Janeway once more in Starfleet Command. You’ve earned it, Katie, every bit.”

Chakotay felt his heart turn over and had to bite back a cry of protest. _‘Starfleet is going to make Kathryn an admiral? But what about us?’_ It took every ounce of self-control he possessed to walk calmly across the bridge and take his chair. As he sat there in silence, seemingly engrossed in the readings on his console, no one could tell that inside, his emotions were in complete turmoil. All his hopes and dreams, which he’d nurtured for so long, were disappearing like smoke. If Kathryn were made an admiral, Starfleet wouldn’t want a former terrorist hanging around her, no matter how forgiving they were. 

Taking a deep breath, he steeled himself to let her go. His happiness hinged on her well-being – he would rather not have her at all than have her stay with him out of a sense of obligation. But, oh spirits! he was going to miss her dreadfully! His joy at their homecoming was rapidly turning into the sorrow of impending loss.

*****

“Voyager, this is Starfleet Command.”

The hail from Headquarters brought Chakotay out of his mournful reverie. Nodding to Harry to open a channel, he sat up straight to respond. “This is Voyager.”

The eager face of a young lieutenant, obviously the duty officer, appeared before them. “I have your orders for the landing procedure, sir. I’m transmitting them now.”

“Understood.” Chakotay glanced behind him. “Harry?”

“I have them, sir.”

“Very good.” The commander turned back to the viewscreen. “Thank you, Lieutenant, Voyager out.”

As the view changed back to show Earth, now close enough that it filled the screen, Chakotay tapped his combadge. “Bridge to captain.”

“Janeway here,” came her instant reply.

“We have just received landing instructions, Captain. I would suggest it’s time for Lieutenant Paris to return to the helm.”

“Understood, Commander. He’s on his way. Janeway out.”

Less than two minutes later, the turbolift doors opened and Tom stepped out quickly to take his station. “The captain will be along in a minute,” he reported to Chakotay. “She’s just giving B’Elanna orders to prepare for landing. Reg Barclay is staying down in engineering.”

Barely had he finished speaking when the lift doors opened again to allow the captain and Admiral Paris to hurry on to the bridge.

Automatically, she began to move to her chair before turning around to glance inquiringly at the admiral. However, he waved her away, settling himself to lean comfortably against the tactical station. Smiling her thanks, she took her seat, her hands slowly rubbing the armrests. Obviously, she was realizing that this might be the last time she would sit here.

“Mr. Kim,” she called out. “What is our position?”

“We are on approach to San Francisco, Captain. Distance twenty thousand kilometers. I have taken the liberty of sending the landing coordinates to the helm.”

Janeway tapped her combadge. “Bridge to Engineering. Confirm that the warp core is offline and all plasma has been vented from the nacelles.”

Immediately, Torres replied, “Confirmed, Captain.”

“Very good. Mr. Paris, lay in a course, engage atmospheric thrusters, and begin descent on a gradual trajectory. And remember, Lieutenant,” she added, “You have an audience.”

“Yes, ma’am!” replied Tom, a grin evident in his tone. “Atmospheric thrusters engaged.” He was going to enjoy putting on a show.

Realizing that not everyone had a window, Harry quickly patched the view from the bridge to every terminal in the ship, so no one would miss a moment of their welcome home.

Steadily, the sleek starship glided lower and lower, her bow up as she slid through the ever-thickening atmosphere. As he made minute adjustments, Tom’s hands flew across the console like those of a concert pianist. Down, down came Voyager, homing in on the Bay Area, which for once was remarkably clear and free of cloud.

On the ground below, massive crowds watched in silent awe, as the silver speck in the sky gradually grew larger and larger. Through every heart ran the same refrain. She was coming home. Finally, after traveling seventy thousand light years, this amazing ship was in the last minutes of her incredible journey. 

As the Golden Gate Bridge became visible, Tom steepened the glide. 

The captain opened her mouth to ask what he was doing, but thought better of it. _‘What the hell? Let him show off.’_

Slowly, Tom allowed Voyager to drop down until she was almost level with the deck of the ancient structure, then, at the last minute, he lifted the bow, letting her soar gracefully between its twin towers. 

Above, below and all around them, fireworks began to explode in great blossoms of colour – reds, greens, blues, golds, silvers – every colour of the rainbow reflecting off the battered hull. 

Now, the crowds broke into raucous cheers and shouts, raising their arms to welcome home the triumphant heroes. 

From wherever they stood, the crew peered out the viewports in wonder and amazement. Although they couldn’t hear the noise, the sight of so many open-mouthed faces left no doubt about the wave of sound accompanying the ship. On every side, all they could see were people waving enthusiastically, some with flags and banners, others with quickly created home-made signs. 

Keeping Voyager angled upward, Tom set inertial dampers at maximum and eased the ship into a graceful roll, her hull reflecting the myriad lights from below. 

From behind the helm, the captain cleared her throat but made no comment. 

“It’s an ancient tradition, Captain,” Tom felt the need to explain.

“I’m well aware of the tradition, Mr. Paris,” she replied, her voice laced with evident amusement, “but think of all those people waiting for us to land….”

“Yes, ma’am.” Making several adjustments to their course, he nodded he was ready to begin the landing procedure. 

Janeway glanced at tactical, where Tuvok was watching for her silent order. 

“All hands, Blue Alert,” he announced, his voice not varying one iota in inflection even on this monumental occasion. “Go to Code Blue stations and prepare for landing.”

“Course plotted,” responded Tom from the helm, his hands a blur of motion as he began the landing sequence. “Atmospheric controls are at standby. Landing mechanisms are online and inertial dampers are at maximum.” 

“Mr. Paris.” The captain turned her attention back to the helm. “Take her down.”

“Aye, Captain, here we go.”

A second later, he announced. “Speed sufficiently reduced.” 

“Extend the landing struts and lock,” ordered the captain.

Two dull thuds echoed through the ship in quick succession.

“Landing struts are in place and locked,” reported Harry Kim from ops.

Her speed gradually slowing, Voyager sailed downward, her bow lifted slightly, giving the appearance of floating lightly towards the ground below.

“Harry, prepare to release inertial dampers.”

“Aye, Captain, dampers released and adjusted to Earth gravity.”

Lower and lower she came, her landing struts seeming to stretch out to touch solid ground. A slight bump was felt, a faint rocking motion briefly swayed the ship, then all was still.

“Captain, the ship has landed,” sounded Harry from behind the command team.

In front, Tom’s voice trembled slightly as he reported that engines had been disengaged and thruster exhaust secured. Turning in his chair, he rose to his feet and moved towards the captain, holding out his hands. “We’re home.”

For a second, she stared up at him, her expression almost confused; then, as he reached to grasp her hands, she let him pull her up and into a big hug. 

“You did it, Captain,” he whispered in her ear. “You kept your promise and got us home.”

Gratefully, she returned his hug, before stepping away to gaze around at her crew. Her eyes fell on Tuvok and she smiled warmly, knowing he would not appreciate any stronger display of emotion, especially in front of others. From there, her eyes traveled about the bridge, to Ayala, Dudley and Jenkins at the rear stations. At ops, Harry Kim was grinning like a madman, his face nearly split in two. Movement close by caused her to look next to her and her heart gave a mighty thump of joy. There stood Chakotay, his face filled with pride and love at her accomplishment. At once, she turned toward him, reaching to wrap her arms firmly around him. Crew be damned! She loved this man and finally, she didn’t have to hide it anymore.

Although for an instant he hesitated, obviously surprised, very quickly he responded, holding her tightly in his embrace. “You did it, Kathryn,” he murmured.

Leaning back enough to look up into his face, she answered softly, “No, _we_ did it.” 

For a moment longer, they remained still, gazing at each other intently. The bridge, the crew around them, their homecoming, all fell away as their universe narrowed to include just the two of them. It was only a few seconds, but to Kathryn and Chakotay, still finding their way back to each other, it felt like an eternity. Each had the same thought – _‘now I feel like I really am home.’_

“Captain!” sounded Admiral Paris’ voice, which served to hurriedly pull them apart. “May I be the first to formally congratulate you and your entire crew on a tremendous achievement.”

Moving onto the command deck, he gripped her hands tightly for a moment before turning towards the turbolift. “Any time you’re ready, Captain, the Federation is waiting.”

“Lead the way, Admiral,” replied Janeway, nodding to her crew to secure their consoles before tapping her combadge. “All hands! I don’t imagine I need to tell you that finally, at last, we’re home. However, before we leave the ship, I would like to commend you all for a job well done and tell you what a very fine crew you are. It’s only through the efforts of each and every one of you, as well as those of our comrades who are no longer with us, that we have succeeded in our goal.

“Now…I suggest we don’t keep the Federation waiting a moment longer. Lower the ramps and let’s go! And hold your heads up, people! We’re Voyager’s crew!”

Shouts and cheers echoed through her combadge as her words were taken up on every deck. Backs straightened and heads snapped up as the entire crew began to file off the ship into the brilliant glare of floodlights, illuminating the entire area where the ship had set down.

Bringing up the rear, the bridge crew, led by Admiral Paris, paced slowly through the corridor, two by two, the command team at the very back of the line. As befitted tradition, they would be the last to leave the ship.

However, as they approached the hatch, Kathryn slowed, reaching for Chakotay’s hand and tugging him to a halt. “Chakotay, before we go out there…I want to say something.”

His brows came together in a slight frown as he steeled himself for her words. Now she was going to tell him she would be accepting the promotion to the admiralty. 

Her eyes fixed intently on his face, she spoke softly. “A long time ago, I made you a promise, and although it might not always have seemed like it, I never forgot. Now, finally, I can fulfill it…if you still want me….” As her voice trailed away, she saw his expression change from fear to incredulity to utter delight. 

“Want you?” he exclaimed ecstatically. “Oh, Kathryn, of course I do! I’ve always wanted you!” Quickly, he pulled her into his arms and kissed her, his joy fueling his kiss and transforming it into a vow to stay with her forever. 

As she ardently returned his kiss, she felt the missing spark that had always fueled their passion come alive, dancing between them as it joined them together. At that moment, she knew their bond was still strong and true.

“I love you,” she whispered, when they paused for air.

His eyes shining with happiness, Chakotay echoed her words. “I love you, too. And I will for the rest of my days and even beyond.”

As they gazed blissfully at one another, a great swell of sound came from outside the open hatch. Stepping apart, they smiled a bit guiltily.

“I guess we better go,” sighed Kathryn reluctantly. Taking Chakotay’s hand firmly in hers, she stood by his shoulder. “Ready?”

“Yes, ma’am!” he replied, grinning.

“It’s not crunch – ” she began, only to have him interrupt her. 

“Oh yes, it is!”

Together, hand in hand, they strode down the ramp to face the Federation’s thunderous welcome. 

**Epilogue: Four weeks later**

Pacing outside the admirals’ boardroom on the fortieth floor of Starfleet Headquarters, Kathryn waited impatiently for Admiral Nechayev’s aide to summon her. She knew the admiral was not going to be happy with what she had to say, so the sooner it was over and done with, the better.

Back and forth she strode, her mind flitting over the last few weeks since Voyager’s arrival home. As yet, she’d hardly seen anyone other than the officers on the Board of Inquiry and their assistants. Debriefings had consumed nearly every waking hour of every day. Eager to finish, she hadn’t demurred when the Board had suggested sitting even on weekends. Starfleet was anxious to be done with the formalities so they might present Voyager’s crew to an adoring Federation, thereby gaining valuable points for public relations. However, although they might want to complete the inquiry just as quickly as she did, the members of the Board took their job seriously, well aware they must be thorough in their examinations of her and her crew, or the entire exercise could backfire completely. 

Yesterday, they had filed their interim report, which finally allowed Kathryn to go on leave. However, before she could contact Chakotay and arrange to take him to Indiana to meet her family, Admiral Nechayev’s aide had ordered her to a meeting this morning. Thanks to several pointed remarks dropped by Admiral Paris, Kathryn had a pretty good idea why the C-in-C of Starfleet wanted to see her.

At that moment, the door opened and the aide appeared, beckoning her forward. 

Wasting no time, Kathryn hurried into the room. “Admiral,” she greeted Nechayev politely before moving to stand at ease.

“Captain Janeway,” responded Alynna Nechayev, a petite woman who, despite her small stature, had a well-deserved reputation as a stickler for protocol who didn’t suffer fools gladly. Devoted to the greater good of the Federation and Starfleet, she was castigated by many as arrogant and unfeeling for her frequently highhanded methods, which included running roughshod over anyone who got in her way. 

At the moment, though, her eyes were smiling as she got to her feet. “Come,” she invited, “walk with me to my office. There is something I wish to discuss with you.”

However, as Kathryn paced slowly by her side, the admiral seemed in no hurry to get to the matter at hand. Instead, she chatted about several innocuous subjects, even making an oblique reference to the latest gossip. Only when they were safely ensconced in her inner sanctum did she turn to face Kathryn, her expression indicating she was ready to get down to business. 

“I won’t make you wait any longer, Captain,” she smiled. “I have seen the report from the Board of Inquiry. Opinion is unanimous that all your decisions in the Delta Quadrant be approved and confirmed.”

Although she had expected a favourable outcome, nevertheless Kathryn breathed a silent sigh of relief. She had just cleared a major hurdle. 

However, Nechayev wasn’t finished. Picking up a small box from her desk, she held it out to Kathryn. “Captain Janeway, I am pleased to offer you a promotion to the rank of rear-admiral.”

Well, there it was. The crowning achievement, the goal she had worked towards for almost her entire lifetime. For as long as she could remember, she had wanted to emulate her father, follow in his footsteps, and maybe one day, even surpass him. And now, at last, she had.

Stretching out a hand, she took the little box from the admiral. Slowly opening it, she peered down at the rank pin inside. Admiral Janeway – it had a nice ring to it. She’d thought so when her future self had shown up in the Delta Quadrant. For a second longer, she stared at it before closing the box carefully and setting it down on the desk. Without pausing, she reached up to tug the four pips off her collar, then pulled her combadge loose to lay them all beside the box. 

Lifting her eyes, she gazed determinedly at Nechayev. “Thank you, Admiral, for such an incredible honour, but I cannot accept. Indeed, as of this moment, I am resigning my commission and retiring from Starfleet.”

For one of the very few times in her life, Alynna Nechayev was completely speechless. In shock, she stood motionless, staring at Kathryn, her mouth agape in astonishment. It was nearly a minute before she could speak. “May I ask why?” she finally inquired, her voice tightly controlled, although her eyes were starting to snap with anger, which she made no effort to hide.

“A long time ago, I made a promise,” replied Kathryn tersely. “Now it is time to fulfill that promise.”

“And in order to do so, you are unable to remain in Starfleet?” 

“Yes, sir.” In such a delicate situation, Kathryn was careful to stick to protocol. 

For several seconds more, Nechayev stared at her before turning away to gaze out the window. “I hope you know what you’re doing, Janeway,” she declared ominously. “Dismissed.”

Her discomfort increasing with every passing nanosecond, Kathryn wasted no time in pivoting on her heel and striding out the door. Quickly she reached the turbolift and pressed the call button. Arriving at ground level, she walked quickly across the enormous, high-ceilinged lobby of Headquarters, heading for the main exit. 

As she passed through the door into warm sunshine, her heart lifted. Despite turning her back on her lifelong goal, she had no regrets. Raising her head, she glanced around, then spotted Chakotay standing at one side of the plaza. Her stride picked up as she hurried to meet him.

His face was solemn as he watched her approach. “All done?” he asked, as she reached him.

“Yes,” she nodded, smiling up at him. “Let’s go home.”

Taking his arm, they walked away side by side, neither looking back. That part of their lives was over. Now it was time to start a new life – together. 

**End**


End file.
